Well this is the deal, my best friend is getting married in august, I am the best man, and I need toasts. Nothing to do with her faimily because they are racist bastards and disowned her when they found out she was dating a white guy.(she is vietnamese)
so its just a bunch or white people, 3 of her cousins and thats about it.
Other than that, anything goes,
forgive my pointlessness, I have had 3 very very stiff mint julips, and a corona, soon to be a second corona. wheeeeeeee!
I was a best man two weeks ago. Here’s the outline I followed.
-Thank whoever threw the party you’re at.
-Comment on how nice the bride looks.
-Tell how you met the groom.
-Comment on what he means to you.
-Offer toast on eternal happiness, blah blah blah.
No stories, keep it short, don’t try to be too funny.
YMMV
Heard this one at a friend’s wedding. If you’re going for the mildly amusing opener you could try:
“They say being the best man is kind of like sleeping with the Queen Mother. It truly is an honor but nobody really wants to do it.”
::::: pause for big laffs:::::::
“But seriously folks, …”
and you're on your own from here on out.Just whatever you do don’t go out of your way to embarrass or humiliate the bride or groom!
How NOT to toast…
One of my best friends was the best man in another friend’s wedding a month ago, and pretty much made certain that he would not be the best man at anybody else’s wedding…at least among those who attended the reception. Three things to avoid, that he managed to do:
Don’t tell the entire reception that the groom rented a hotel room to propose to the bride. Odds are, her mother doesn’t know about this.
Sure, you’re certain they’ll stay together a long time. But do not voice this sentiment as “Off all my friends, he is the least likely person I know who would get a divorce.”
And finally…avoid talking about death. I know, you want to say that they will live a long and happy life together, and that it would be a shame if one of them shuffled off this mortal coil before the other, but do not express this as: “And if you do have to die, I hope it happens in a big dramatic way, like in a fiery, fiery plane crash or something.” ESPECIALLY do not make this your exit line. Also…not a good idea if they are flying to Greece the next day for their honeymoon.
(All true…this is the only time I have desired to have footage from someone else’s wedding reception for my own personal files)
When I was debating this very question as Maid of Honor, I was told to toast “national pickle day” and be done with it. 
While finding this idea quite amusing, I went on a quest for the perfect quote and failed. Instead I told my story of the quest, got a few laughs, and then broke down in tears when I said that I had been unable to find any quote that expressed how happy I was for them and how much I loved her and him by extension. :sigh: Then for the rest of the night whenever anyone told me what a wonderful toast it was, I’d start to tear up again.
The best man’s toast was more of a tribute from the younger brother to the oldest. Very touching but not appropriate to your situation.
Don’t get drunk beforehand.
Keep it short and to the point – don’t ramble.
If you have one, tell an amusing (but not mean) story about the groom. Said story can not involve any previous girlfriends or private revelations about the new bride. Something that reveals how nuts he was about her when they first started dating is always popular, especially if he was trying to play it cool.
Finish with a comment on how obviously perfect they are for each other (even if it’s not true), and how you’re so happy for both of them.
An inappropriate toast -
"You should have seen him on his stag night! There were dancers all around him, and he’s crying “I DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED! I DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED”. And I’m like, “Shut up man! She’s loaded!” 'Cos that’s what’s important. That, and you know, love. "
I so LOVE the advert with that on!
AngelicGemma’s post reminded me of the toast in the movie “Old School”:
“You think you’ve found love, and then you come home early from San Diego, and there’s a bunch of naked people in your bathroom getting ready to double-team your wife…”
Hilarious! Don’t do that.
Mine, to my former roommate and his very blonde wife, both of whom are white and were born in America:
“It’s so great that Jim found someone so great. I didn’t know that you could find women like that as a mail-order bride. (To her) You - speak - English - very - well.”
I think most people thought it was funny. I had run it past a more conservative friend beforehand.
So, what do you do when your friend asked you 6 months
ago to be his best man and since then has ignored you
becuase his old lady to be won’t let him more than 3 feet
out of her sight. She has made it perfectly clear that
she doesn’t want me in HER wedding and he won’t talk
to anybody, let alone me. Its less than four weeks away
and at this point I don’t care. Last time I was in a wedding
I had already been measured for a tux and all that crap.
I see him all the time at work, where she works also and
the 3 foot rule applies there also. I don’t know what
to do and I don’t want to ask since I’ve been pretty much
blown off by someone who was previously a really good
friend, as far as I’m concerned he can just go F*** himself.
I served as a best man a few weeks back. The basic outline for my toast was:
[ul]
[li]Random semi-humorous quote & intro[/li][li]What a good guy the groom is[/li][li]Brief story about a date on which I accompanied bride and groom[/li][li]They’re a great couple, truly love each other, blah blah blah, they have my deepest congratulations, and I would like to ask you to raise your glass with me and toast this fine couple[/li][/ul]
Obviously you will have to tailor your toast to your own experiences with the groom and/or bride. I would avoid talking about the bride at any great length, keep it to a couple short compliments. I would try to have the whole toast be in the neighborhood of 2-3 minutes long. Bruce_Daddy has a good point, you should probably thank whoever is hosting (paying for) the reception. Start writing it out a few weeks beforehand, that way you can come back to it later and make changes. If you can memorize the whole speech, you will look great in front of the crowd, if you can’t, don’t worry about it. Practice the speech beforehand in a mirror, and definitely run it by someone else’s ears in advance.
Well, bubba, I guess I’d suggest to him that perhaps he’d better find someone else to be his best man. Without being snarky about it, if you can, just in case you CAN salvage the friendship again (if you want to, that is).
Or you can plead a family emergency that will prevent you from being at the wedding, thereby providing everybody with a graceful out.
Mrs Mama Tiger or MIZ, nice name by the way. I really should
talk to him, but… I feel so alienated from him that I try to tell
myself that I don’t care. I really do, Background…I’ve known
this guy since f-manyear of college, we became really good
friends sophmore year and lived together junior and senior
year. He moved out west and I went and visted him twice
and we fell out of touch for about a year or two. He gave me a
jingle and told me of his new job and asked if I wanted in,
I said “no”. A few months later some co-workers were
really pissing me off and my girlfriend was pissing me off
even more, and he came back home to visit. We talked and
I ended up moving to NM. He got ROYALLY FED by his
ex . Almost lost his house, car, etc… She was the A$$hole
he was the idiot for not “noticing” that anything was wrong.
2 days later here comes a coworker up his ass, since then
he has been barely functional. If she doesn’t say “BOO” it
doesn’t happen. I really don’t know what is going on in
his head since he will not allow himself to move six inches
from herwithout her immediate approval. My theory is F him,
I haven’t been in a bar with him in over 8 months. Nor have
I had a friendship moment in the same amount of time. F**
Him.
What do you all think i should do? A batchelor party for
someone that refuses to acknowledge I exhist or should
I just act like he is and not ackowledge the fact he exhists?
I’m really really confused and if you all can give me some
insight I’d be very greatful.
**bubba jr **, I see you are new-ish here. I would suggest that you:
a) open a thread in IMHO and ask people this very same question. I’m sure there are lots of folks who have some good advice, but who may not even have opened this thread. I myself wouldn’t even have opened it, if not for something to read while my coffee perks.
b)give a quick apology to fnord 1966 for the hijack. I’m not meaning to sound like I’m scolding, really, but it is just good form.
I have used a Garrison Keillor poem called 'The Finn Who Would Not Take a Sauna (or the ballad of guy who came in from the cold) as a best man toast.
It went over really well.
A short “I love you, man!” vignette followed by a blessing such as…
Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the infinite peace to you.
adapted from - ancient gaelic runes (but I got it from a movie)
Another don’t: don’t make disparaging remarks about the groom’s ex’s. The last wedding I went to had the best man (and another guy who gave a toast) saying “Thank God it wasn’t the other one!” It just seemed really tacky to me.
Thanks for all the great advice. thankfully I am good friends with his fiance as well. There wont be any strippers, and there shouldnt be too much drinking on my part.
One good thing is, the rececption is going to be after the honeymoon, so I wil have time to incorporate more of the actual ceremony.
Keep it coming, this is helping out a great deal.