The title is a bit simplistic way of describing a complicated situation, but I was going for an attention-grabber.
I was widowed in August 2009, after 27 happy years of marriage. About six months later I started dating (online…occasional contributor to the never-ending Online Dating thread). Casually at first, then somewhat seriously, then casually; then about six months ago I fell in love, and I’m in a serious relationship with a wonderful woman. She lives about 30 miles away, and we see each other usually once mid-week, and spend most of the weekends together, at each other’s homes (depending on what we’re doing, etc).
I have two grown children (27 and 28 years old). My daughter lives very close, and we have dinner together 2 or 3 times a week.
My daughter has just recently let it be known (and she says she speaks for her brother) that while she likes New Girlfriend as a person, her presence is a reminder of the loss of her mother. She doesn’t like seeing NGF cooking in my kitchen (and NGF loves to cook) because she doesn’t like seeing NGF using her mother’s cookware. NGF and I are planning an Alaskan cruise later this summer; and that upsets my daughter because my late wife always wanted to take an Alaskan cruise.
I admit that I haven’t always been sensitive to my kids’ feelings about this – I sometimes forget that it’s not always about me; that they lost their mother. On the other hand, I’m not going to live my life to please them; I think I’m entitled to happiness too.
You don’t. Your adult children should be old enough to cope with the death of their mother and the fact that you are going to continue to live your life, as you would want them to do in your absence and no doubt as your wife would have wanted for you. If your daughter objected to your girlfriend on the basis of hr personality or behavior that might signify an issue, but if it is just that she is taking the place formerly occupied by your wife, that indicates immaturity or an inability to come to terms with loss and grief, which is her problem.
If you want to do something for her, encourage her to seek or even offer to participate in counseling, but don’t enable her unwillingness to cope. By acquiescing to her unwillingness to deal with her mother’s death, you are just exacerbating her frustration and anger.
Sorry about your wife, glad to hear you’re dating someone new that you really like, and I was more worried about your kids’ feelings before I heard they were 27 and 28. Can you try to reassure your adult children that you still love them, that you did love their mother for 27 years, and while you’re moving on with your life now, it doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten their mother?
Would your daughter like her mother’s cookware as a memento of her mother?
Just wondering. Your late wife always wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise, yet you never went during your 27 years of marriage. You’ve been with this new girl for 6 months and you’re already planning a an Alaskan cruise together. Why is that?
I’m not saying this in an accusatory tone with a sneer on my face, I just truly want to know if there was a specific reason why. Did you and your late wife travel much?
Also, sorry for the loss of your wife and congrats on getting out there and finding love again.
You can have your mother’s old cookware, I’m sorry you feel uncomfortable, but you are a grown up now and I want you to suck it up and keep it to yourself. Sweetheart.
Your kids need to mourn their mother in their own way, but not expect you to conform your life to their grief. And if they try to make you, you should not go along with it.
My mom died when I was 32. It was weird when my dad started dating about 18 months later, but I was happy for him, to see him enjoy his life a bit. He deserved it.
And my mom would have come back and kicked my butt if I’d tried to interfere with his happiness.
I agree that your children are old enough to be able to understand and cope with your desire to date. You should not be expected to live in mourning for the rest of your life simply because it is easiest for your kids.
That being said, I do think some consideration is due to the kids. Give your daughter her mother’s cookware and buy new. Involve the new girlfriend in the choice of new cookware and it will be a win-win for you.
The cookware is just a symptom, IMHO. If the daughter really wants it, go ahead and give it to her. But I suspect that may just transfer her dysfunctional grief onto the silverware, or the china, or the towels, or the whole damn house.
That might be the case, but don’t underestimate the connection between a woman and her kitchen stuff. It would be very difficult for me to watch another woman cook with my mother’s or my grandmother’s cookware, especially certain pieces that I know are special to my relatives. The OP will have to decide if it really is a genuine connection or if it is just the most convenient complaint.
This is actually pretty normal. My cousins were very resistant when my uncle started dating again. If it’s any consolation, they’ve come around. If she’s really a wonderful person, they won’t be able to help themselves.
My advice is to make a point of reminding your children that you do still often think of your late wife. Maybe you can create a book of photographs of them together. Or create a collection of your wife’s favorite recipes, photocopying them so that they’ll be in her own handwriting, and giving them to your children along with a note revisiting a favorite memory of their mom and them sharing a meal.
In other words, occasionally show them that you still love their mom, and will continue to honor her memory, even though you are moving on.
I really do think that if you have a good relationship, they’ll come around. But try not to act like a giddy teenager around them if you can help it. And I kind of agree that taking her on an Alaskan cruise is a bit ill-advised. Maybe you can substitute it for something that is special with you and your new girlfriend.
Good luck to you, sorry for your loss, and congratulations of finding love again.
Don’t discount the feelings. Feelings simply are–we often cannot control them. How wonderful that your daughter is open enough with you to share her feelings.
What do you, as a family, do with these feelings? Using them to manipulate and create guilt can only occur if you allow it. Here’s hoping your daughter is adult enough that you can approach hear along these lines: “Honey, I hear what you are saying. How can I help you work through those feelings? I loved your mom. I still do. But I am alive and I AM going to live while I’m alive. And NGF is part of my life and may be for a long time. I want to be sensitive to your feelings and I’m open to suggestions on what can help you deal with your grief and your attachment to the things and places where your mom lived.”
Your kids need to figure out how to cope with this themselves. Kudo’s to you for listening and I hope you always leave that door open. Any sort of change can be disturbing. I say, give it time, allow your kids to realize that just because new Miss Terrific is around doesn’t mean memories of their mom are gone. Give them a chance to aclimate and make it clear that the new girlfried is an addition, not a replacement.
Hey, it’s a sensitive issue. My grandpa died when he was 91 damned years old and when I mentioned to my mom that maybe Grandma might find a new guy to enjoy her time with I got a very shocked look.
This. From what I hear, a lot of kids just feel like their dad isn’t remembering Mom. They also tend to feel like Dad is moving on faster than they’d like, and dating too soon–IME it seems that men who were happily married quite often start dating again soon, and the kids get unhappy about that. You might mention something along the lines of that you loved your wife very much and really miss her and are lonely, etc. that will reassure them that your dating life isn’t because you’ve forgotten their mom.
And then they have to deal, and smile and be nice.
Maybe it would help if you just sat your kids down and made it clear to them that you haven’t forgotten their mom and that you never will forget their mom. Maybe point out that it’s because being with their mom made you so happy that you want to try to find another happy relationship…but that of course nobody is going to replace the fact that you were with their mom for 27 years (not to mention having two kids with her!).
When my parents died, I had a fear that my memories of them would fade over the years. It is still very important to me to try to talk about them, to keep the memories alive. Make sure that you still allow them to talk and reminisce about their mom in spite of your new relationship.
Buy new cookware, gift the old to your daughter. Put off the Alaskan holiday until your kids are more comfortable with you new lady, choose another destination for this year, it’s too soon for this and for them. Point out, to both your children, that you didn’t always like the partners they chose either but you were at least open enough to recognize, a) it clearly made them happy, b) it was their life. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to ask them, what they’d have expected of you, had you not cared for, the person they chose to marry.
In the end, they need to decide, which is more important; that you have someone who makes them happy, or someone that makes you happy? Keeping in mind if they’d want the same criteria to apply when they were choosing a spouse.
And ultimately, if they don’t want a new woman in your life to impact your relationship with them negatively, then they need to be warm, open, and welcoming if only because this person has brought love back into your world.
My grandmother died when I was 7. Within a year, my grandfather met and married a new woman. I mean, Grandma was barely in the ground. I resented her from the minute I met her and I’m now 23 and still have those 7-year-old feelings. I still resent her and everything and everybody she brought with her. They’re not part of my family and I don’t like having to pretend they are. I wish they’d all go away. This despite the fact that it’s been 16 years since my real grandmother died and I barely remember her.
