Help us design a “Dad’s Den”

The Mouseling is a girl and due in September. Mouse_Spouse and I have at least 13 years (I hope) to design and decorate a den where Spouse can scare the crap out of potential suitors. (If I’m still in the rodent wrangling business, I’ll be plenty scary. Dad works on firewalls. Mom breeds and kills rats and mice.)

Thoughts we’ve had:
Spouse’s broadsword mounted on the wall. High enough to be seen, low enough to be used. :smiley:

A big, dark wooden desk with a big leather chair – I think my beloved has an inner Super-Villain.

We need books with scary titles. Maybe along the lines of Disembowelment Made Simple and Fun or How to Flay Anything.

Any suggestions? Please, we need your help!

The Book of Black Magic by Arthur Edward Waite

US Marine Corps Scout/Sniper Training Manual

Pretty much anything published by Paladin Press (like Choke 'Em Out, Kill Or Get Killed (1943 edition), the always popular Official Soviet PK Machine Gun Manual)

Jack the Ripper’s Black Magic Rituals (Illustrated!!!)

Or lots and lots of bibles

You can’t go wrong with the classics: The Art of War by Sun Tzu and Machiavelli’s The Prince. Both very good for supervillains. Find something by Aleister Crowley and a bunch of H.P. Lovecraft, and he’ll either scare the boys away, or they’ll want to be his minions.

And there should be a large window behind him - back-lighting is menacing.

A fluffy white cat for him to hold on his lap and stroke in a somehow oddly menacing manner.

All other animals in the room should be models of the finest taxidermy.

A Bowie knife, for those times when the broadsword is overkill

And, it being me after all, a well-stocked gun cabinet within easy reach.

Every Dad’s Den needs a copy of this book located conveniently near a baseball bat, icepick or flamethrower.

Spouse with minions? :dubious: That’s worse than potential boyfriends! I don’t want to clean up after minions. Not all body parts dissolve in acid! Stupid kids.

Will a grey cat do? He’s menacing on his own.

Turns out, Spouse does have a Bowie knife, and a dirk.

ETA: And a couple of sgian dubh

That’s a nice collection. Growing up in Louisiana, guns were apart of my life. There is a part of me that thinks “shot gun” whenever someone talks about home securtiy.

A skull sitting on the desk should do nicely.

Put a copy of this next to it:

Application to Date My Daughter

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.

Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth://____ height:______ Weight:______ I.Q.:______
G.P.A.:________ Soc. Sec.#--____
Driver’s License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:Good Standing: Yes_____No
Home Address:
Home Phone#: ()________ Car Phone#:_______________ Pager#:__________
Do you own
a. Van?____
b. Truck with oversized tires?____
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____

Do you have any of the following:
a. An earring_____
b. nose ring______
c. belly button ring_____
or piercings on any other body parts_____

(If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.)

In 30 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you? ________________________________________________________________

In 30 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? ________________________________________________________________

Church you attend_____________________ How often______________________
Best time to interview your pastor?_______________________

Fill In The Blank. Please answer freely, all answers will be confidential.
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken broken is: ____________________________________________________
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is ____________________________________________________
c. Now answer the question you filled in on B ____________________________________________________

NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions dishonestly (and I will find out), discontinue application. It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your head low and running in serpentine fashion.

I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers.

Signature (This means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 YEARS for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could cause you unexpected injury.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties and answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE.

My sister’s SO has what they call “the man room” in their apartment. He’s a hunter, and a fairly good one at that, so the signature pieces in the room are the two deer heads on the walls. I seem to remember them being roughly the size of Buicks, but that might have been a side effect of the stupid glass eyes following you around the room. Both the heads have big racks, which my sister likes to hang things from, like twinkle lights. But that’s not very manly, so it only happens at Christmas.

They really are creepy as hell. They’re hung on either side of the computer desk, so when you’re sitting at the computer, you look up and the deer is watching you. You enter the room, and the deer is watching you. The only way this could be more intimidating is if it was the head of a creature that could eat you – say a boar or a bear. Or a moose, because those things are huge.

I don’t have a daughter. But I do have a den. On my den’s wall is a picture of the Stanley Cup-winning 1967 Toronto Maple Leafs, autographed by one of the players on that team. I also have a portrait shot of one of the players on that team holding the Stanley Cup. Autographed to me, naturally. With these pictures on the wall behind me, I’d challenge any of my (hypothetical) daughter’s suitors to tell me that the Maple Leafs suck.

You can substitute a team and sport of your choosing, but this approach might be something your husband would enjoy looking into.

Put a cigar humidor on the desk. Even if the humidor contains nothing (or better–it contains one big cigar that your husband can pull out, not offer to the young man, and wave around without lighting), it can be intimidating.

Crashes of lightning are also intimidating.
I always liked meeting the parents. I’m a charmer picks his nose

Bowie knives are intimidating, stab it through an apple so it sticks in the desktop and sways slightly as he glares at the punk.

ETA - with “Ride of the Valkyries” playing just ever-so-slightly too loud.

Gotta, gotta, gotta have wood paneling. The good stuff, not cheap knotty pine either.

I plan to have one of these sitting on the bookshelf behind the desk.


You forgot next of kin and blood type.

Is the technical term for ths ‘The Man Cave’?

:smiley: :smiley: This is great!

Mouse_Spouse’s nicknames are The Polar Bear and The Grizzly Bear, or just Bear for short. (He’s ursine. I’m murine.) This room may be called “The Bear’s Den” or maybe I’ll call it “The Pit” and great boys with, “Oh you must be the bait . . .sorry, boyfriend.”

HoosierDaddy already plans to be cleaning his guns anytime boys come around (hopefully not for about 12 years).

Just recreate the ‘den’ from the opening scene of The Godfather.