Help! We're Sinking!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It’s raining outside, again.

It will not stop either, and hasn’t for what seems like weeks now. And as I sit here, holed up in my second floor bedroom, watching boats float past my window, I am beginning to wonder if I should start construction of an Ark. I might not be Noah, but I do have two cats, one male* and one female. So I guess that is a start for my two of everything.

Except small breed dogs.

There will be absolutely no small breed dogs on my Ark. I hope they all drown. I am normally not a bigoted person, but what the hell is the point of a dog that is smaller than a cat? I mean seriously? Lord knows those bad guys who break into your house at night are going to be so intimidated by the glistening fangs of your vicious chihuahua.

So, umm, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, it’s still raining. I think I can see my neighbors deploying life rafts on their roofs, you know, for an emergency escape and all. Pretty soon I am expecting to see Kevin Costner gallavanting around my neighborhood, sailing his boat between the neighborhood chimneys, all while fighting off a bunch of bad guys led by Dennis Hopper. And of course all of them will be locked in some long winded and boring struggle to find that last bit of habitable land.

Hint, it won’t be the area surrounding the Dead Sea, or my house, for that matter.

That’s right folks, we are going down. Soon, Pennsylvania will become just another one of the Great Lakes. I’m already claiming naming rights, so once this lake finishes forming it is going to be Lake Don. If the rain keeps up, it may just flood all of PA, then NJ, and join the Ocean. In that event, it shall be referred to as the Bay of Don.

Because I am an egotistical bastard.

So hold off on your lake naming parties.

Well, I have to go swim out to my car to deploy the airbags (gotta make it bouyant and all) so I will talk to you all later.

My Ark will have internet access, so I’ll keep in touch.
*My male cat is a very loose approximation of a male, being 17yrs old, fixed, and wanting nothing to do with the female, who is currently a raging ball of lust. Anyone wishing to donate services to the female may contact me. She’ll definitely be waiting for you.

Butt in the air.

2

quick, find out what a cubit equals on your tape measure.

3

We here in Southern Oregon refer to our location as the Pacific Northwet. It rained 20 days in April. And it rained continuously for the first six days in May. The second week of May it only rained intermittenly (I could venture out to collect my mail without hip-waders.) Now that it’s May 21st, I might feel safe planting my tomatoes sans water wings.

Funny story about small breed dogs. I walk 6 miles each and every day, and last week when I was doing my walk about, I espied a ladies wallet in the ditch. “What’s this?” I said to myself. Perhaps the lady that lost/had her wallet stolen would appreciate having it returned to her.

I dutifully called information to get the phone number for the name that was listed on the drivers license. I left a message on the answering machine. Within the hour, the good lady’s fiance called me back, estactic that the wallet had been found. I gave him my address, and he jumped into his car to retrieve the stolen wallet of his intended.

When he arrived at my doorstep, he had a Jack Russell terror in his arms. He explained that the dog was “their Baby”. “Their Baby” took one look at my laid-back Ragdoll cats, and began salivating. “He (the Jack Russell terror) doesn’t do well with cats” the dog’s owner said. Before he could finish getting the words out of his mouth, the Jack Russell jumped out of his arms and tried to attack my Ragdoll kitties.

Now, my Ragdolls are big boys. They may be just ‘cats’, but they are very large. Shoogie is 22 pounds, and his littermate Merci is 27 pounds. They have never known a moment of fear in their lives, being indoors only and vastly spoiled (by me.) The only exposure they have had with dogs is with my portly poodle, TC.

But when that Jack Russell came at them, thirsting for their blood, they defended themselves. Claws, fangs and teamwork came into play within the span of fifty seconds or so. The Jack Russell ran yelping and bleeding out into the street. His owner and I had quite a time rounding him up.

I apologised for the damage my kitties had inflicted on his dog, and he was OK with it. “Maybe that will teach him a lesson!” the dog’s owner said. And his fiance got her wallet back. So it was all good.

4

Now this is exactly the point I am trying to make. The dog had his ass handed to him by some (admittedly quite large) cats.

That’s just wrong, and a disgrace to dogs across the world.

One of the guys I work with, related a story to me about his aunt, who bred pomeranians. Apparently, the dogs actually lacked the intelligence to insert Tab A into Slot B, and reproduce.

Now, In my opinion, any animal, regardless of how cute, that can not reproduce on it’s own, without human intervention, deserves to die.

When Lake Don forms, I am sorry to say that my close friend’s Pomeranians will be among the dead. I’m sorry, but I am not going to be going pen to pen on my ark, just to help some Pomeranian get it’s doggy groove on.

You know, put on some mood music, light some insence, dim the lights…

And lift the male into position, and perform a close aproximation of what I believe to be the proper pomeranian humping method.

Nope, not gonna do it.

May they all perish as the water washes over them.

Unlike Noah, I am also going to neglect to save a few other species as well, so if anyone has an affinity for any of them, here is the list. Save them yourself. I’d prefer you don’t though. My Ark will be laden with only the latest in sea going war technology, and while I may be hesitant to fire upon a Doper contolled vessel, I will make exceptions for a few of the items on the list. Those exceptions will me marked with an asterisk.

Mosquitos*
Chickens
My Mom*
Texas Republicans* (well, not all, just ones carrying really important offices)
Opossums*
and Micheal Jackson*.

This list will surely expand with time. Carry any of those but chickens at your own risk.

5

1 sacred cubit = 25.0266 British inches

1 Jewish cubit = 21.0 inches

1 royal cubit = 20.64 inches

1 Sumerian cubit = 19.8 inches

1 great cubit = 18.14 inches

This is too complex, I am going to just make my own measuring system up.

Since I am building an ark, and will be responsible for the reconstruction of human society, I can do that. For convenience, I will use my own body as a ruler. Here are the measurements, converted into the US Standard…

A Don, is aproximately 6’5". This will be the large measurement. Speedometers on cars will need to be recalibrated to reach really friggin high numbers.

A DonHand, is my, well, hand. I lied about providing standard conversions, but not to worry, it is this big (holds hand up to screen).

For smaller measurements, we will use the DonFinger, which is about half a DonHand.

For Really friggin small measurements, we will use the DonPenis, which should be able to carry us the whole way down to measuring features on microchips, minus fractions.

This measurement system should greatly reduce my hassles with measuring, YMMV

6

It will sure cure the “what the hell did the kids do with my tape measure” problem.

7

I know a guy that I’m pretty sure would like to do your cat. You can reach me via email.

8

You know, lieu, that is pretty darn disturbing.

oogy.

:smiley:

9

Cockroaches. Please. Pleeeaase.

10

Unfortunately I don’t think the floods will kill them.

They’ll just grow gills or something and continue to stalk the earth.

11

Forgive me for belaboring the obvious, but is this a flaccid or erect DP? And can I send someone over for taking measurements? There is this microscope I’ve got to calibrate.

And don’t you scare me with floods. We Dutch know what it is to live below sea level.

12

Sorry, I should’ve entered a :slight_smile: at appropiate locations in order not to offend. Fun posts, modro.
:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):slight_smile:

13

:eek:

Holy Terror, Batman !!!

14

modro, however much I admire your rescuing of that lab, and no matter how much I detest ankle-biter rat-in-a-dog-suit (or was it dog-in-a-rat-suit?) breeds, I’m not going to service your cat. Butt in the air or no butt in the air! I think you are horribly confused about the correct and acceptable definitions of cat and pussy.