Read your very lengthly post and I am still stuck with dealing with ignoring the homework removes a very important lesson for the child.
Most of my day is spent doing things I would rather not do. Cooking, cleaning, getting dressed in the morning, about 50% of my day job, brushing my teeth…
They are all things I would rather not do but I have to suck it up and do them. If I didn’t I would get fired/starve/lose social status/not get as big a raise.
How does this kid learn to suck it up if the people around him are telling him it is okay?
Also, unless he doesn’t have aspirations to go to college, grades do matter. They are looking all the way down to grade nine here. Give him the lesson of ‘homework doesn’t matter’ now, how is that going to change by then?
It’s called “natural consequences.” No one is saying its okay. It’s saying if Kid chooses not to do homework, it is Kid’s decision, and his decision to live with.
You do things like cook and clean because you don’t like the alternative, not because your mom calls you up and hassles you about it.
The “alternative” is your mom calling you up and hasseling you. I know of very few kids that will do chores simply because the sight of dirty dishes and clutter offends their sensibilities. Parents create consequences for their kids until they’re ready to deal with natural ones.
I don’t think you understood what I meant. The poster I replied to said she does loads of things as an adult that she doesn’t want to do, that’s life. That isn’t true. Everything she does, she wants to do, because she prefers it to the alternative. The alternative to not doing your laundry is no clean clothes when you want them. Not, “my mom called to bitch at me about the laundry… again.” The alternative to not cleaning the cat litter is a smelly litter box and/or a cat who poops on your bed. Not, “my mom called me to remind me the litter needs cleaning… again.”
If I leave my dishes in the sink, I promise you my mother doesn’t call to check up on me. I can leave 'em there for weeks if I want, or forever, without her concerning herself one bit. Your mom calls to find out if you’ve been doing your dishes according to her schedule? Really? And you’re still on speaking terms?
This is one of those privileges granted to adults who aren’t dependent on other people for their survival. A kid doesn’t have the luxury of picking and choosing what things they have to do because their parents are responsible for them. Doing what they are told is the price of admission for being allowed to have their life completely subsidized by other people.
That said, I think the OP *should * let the kid sink or swim or their own. But I do like the suggestion of making the kid do extra housework when he claims to have no homework.
Bollocks. No child agrees to this relationship. It is a parent’s duty to provide for their offspring. The amount and extent of that care can be debated, but children do not enter into some sort of contract in which they have their rights and choices revoked in exchange for care. They have those things limited because they are usually unable to make wise decisions due to lack of life experience. As they grow, and their experience grows, such things are gradually given to them until they can do it on their own.
There are plenty of adults who aren’t capable of making wise decisions either due to inexperience or stupidity. This doesn’t change the fact that they’re allowed and expected to make their own decisions. Because they are adults.
Kids aren’t expected to have that freedom becauses they aren’t independent. Yeah, a large reason for that is their presumed immaturity, but that’s not the deciding variable. Even the most well-behaved and mature kid is expected to follow the rules of the house. Do you think that’s unreasonable?
OMG. Middle school boys. My son and quite a few of his friends started this behavior at this same age even to the point of often doing the homework, having it with them at school and not turning it in. Then there’s the completely no effort to do anything regardless of consequiences. At one point my son had nothing in his room except a bed and bedclothes, he had to spend every minute outside of school, church, chores and scouts in his room. He would still not do his homework, he would lie on his bed. Eventually we even took his door away. Did it help? Nope.
This behavior fixed itself to a large extent by high school but it was a miserable few years. At a certain point we realized that we can’t make him do well in school if he doesn’t care. We could continue consequences and offer help with organization and anything else but barring terror and beatings we were helpless.
I noticed this problem was most prevalent for boys who were fairly intelligent and never had to put any effort into school. The kids who had to work hard for grades in the past seemed to keep working hard. I think the schools are too easy in grade school and they never get the habit of working for school. Then they get older and don’t feel like working at the same time they realize you have less than full control over what they do.
I agree with many other who say this is normal behavior. Forget about the school issue. You have to form a relationship with your son, who is becoming an adult. He doesn’t care about school, and shouldn’t. This whole situation tells me there are other factors affecting his well being. If you are engaged in this power struggle about something unimportant (and there is little in the world less important than 6th grade homework), you may never be able to form the relationship necessary to help with important things, his sense of self-worth, standing among his peers, his ability to motivate himself, coping with real problems, etc.
Absolutely. You made 'em, you care for them until they can do so for themselves. That does not mean you have indulge their every whim. Nor does it mean that you should feel entitled to some sort of boss / employee relationship. They are you children, feeling, thinking beings just the same as YOU.
Well, when our daughter was in public school we just told the teacher, “Don’t send home homework because we won’t let her do it.” Homework is nothing but a huge waste of time and does not improve scholastic performance. cite
There I solved your problem. No homework, no issue.
As to why your child is doing this, my guess is that he is bored out of his skull.
I graduated from high school with about a 2.0 GPA as a result of pure unadulterated boredom. I got into college only on a conditional basis because my grades were so bad. I was on the deans list pretty much every term in college. They actually cared what I thought and wanted me to use my brain for something other than a filing cabinet.
BTW: Our daughter is now unschooled and ranking in the 90+ percentile in pretty much everything according to the annual test we give her (California something-or-other). She learns through reading, educational videos, and life. She is 13 and currently in an apprenticeship as an assistant stage manager for a professional theater for a six week production. She had a small but significant role in their last production, “A Midsummer Nights Dream” She is going into 10th grade this year.