Help with Husband: cast your vote

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here is an experience I had in the last 15 minutes with my husband this morning.

Him (brings in paper, sits down to read it): Oh! Did you see this thing about so-and-so in the paper?
Me: No, I haven’t seen the paper!
Him: Oh, well how would I know that!
Me: Didn’t you just bring it in?
Him: Well yeah but you could have gone down and gotten it yourself yesterday when it came out, how would I know, grumble grumble, oh never mind!

He then proceeded to NOT tell me whatever it was he was interested in in the paper, and give me only grunting one-syllable answers for the next 10 minutes until he left the house. When asked what time he would be back, he barked “Later!”

So is this guy a prime candidate for anger management or what? Is this a major overreaction or is it just me? I am constantly walking on eggshells with him, never knowing what is going to piss him off, and once he is pissed, he pouts for hours, and I have to really work hard to get him back in a good mood. WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? Guys, HELP ME!!!

2

Well, my SO gets like that when there is a specific thing that’s on his mind. However, he often doesn’t realize this until I point it out.

For example, friends of ours just recently let us know that they are going through what is going to be a fairly messy divorce. This really pisses my husband off and he tends to get way too involved in other people’s problems. Anyway, the day after the announcement he was very short-tempered.

I understand this, being a mild PMS sufferer myself. Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint the cause of your own emotions.

However, I don’t think it’s a good idea to walk on eggshells, apologize or generally reinforce him in this habit. I think women often fall into this trap and it just results in a lot of stress for us. Be straight with him about it. If he can’t come around, then, yes, maybe anger management would help.

3

Hey, I don’t know the guy, but sounds like an asshole to me.

Is he really like this all the time? If so, there’s definitely something wrong in his head.

He sounds almost inconceivably immature.

4

Sounds an awful lot like my SO.

So does your description Resevoir.

Can anyone tell I’m having some problems at home right now?

5

His moods are not your responsibility.

If this is standard behavior for you guys, then get some help. Hate to see you spend the rest of your days like that.

6

Well, I think it depends upon exactly what tone you took with the, “No, I haven’t seen the paper!”

He said: “Oh! Did you see this thing about so-and-so in the paper?” which could mean either:

“Did you see in the paper about this thing?” meaning, did you read the paper beforehand and see this

OR “Did you see anything about this, which happens to be in the paper right now?” i.e., heard it on the morning radio, saw it on TV, etc.

In the first response, you’ve obviously caught him in a malapropism- he got the paper, so unless you put the paper back in the yard after reading it, you couldn’t have. On the other hand, it’s a simple malapropism to make, especially early in the morning before the brain cells are really starting to kick in. A biting remark, or an angry “well, duh!” tone seems a bit over-warranted to me.

In the second response, he’s asking you a simple question, which due to poor phraseology you’ve mis-interpreted to be a really stupid question.

I lean towards the first response- given his replies, it’s obvious that his brain wasn’t up to speed at that point in the morning.

On the other hand, rather than laughing with him at his early groginess, you seem to have either lashed out at him with anger or seemed to be laughing at his mishap.

Quite frankly, I do a lot of foolish things. Catch me in one of them, and gently point it out to me, and give me room to save face, and it won’t faze me. Catch me in one of them and jump in with anger or laughter before I’ve caught on to what I’m doing, and I get angry and defensive in return.

I think you should both go in for counselling. He may have a problem with self-esteem and anger management; but you sound a bit harsh and unhappy with having to deal with the fact that he has emotions.

Of course, this is all wild speculation based upon a single post, so feel free to tell me to stick my advice where the sun don’t shine.

7

Unfortunately, John Corrado, this exchange took place at 11 am, my husband had been up since 8:30 am and already been out to a work-related appointment and back again, so morning grogginess doesn’t excuse him! There are incidents like that, and I do recognize them as such and myself and Mr. Brunetter laugh heartily at them and at ourselves. No worries there.

Cher3, there is a lot on my husband’s mind right now, and I can understand that his stress level is high. However, all the things that are on his mind are on mine as well, and I don’t bark off at him for no reason. He has no tools to deal with his tension other than this - he will not or cannot talk about his feelings, especially negative ones. He has never been taught to work through them in a positive way and this is the result.

It is constantly frustrating me that I never know how he is going to react to something … I don’t think he realizes how exhausting that is for me! Let me clarify, my husband is not ALWAYS a complete asshole, he is usually a warm and wonderful man with a great sense of humor and a deep love for me. Which makes it all the more confusing when this side of his personality comes out.

I’ve broached the subject of anger management with him several times - he doesn’t “believe in it” whatever that means. Well I just wanted to see if you all would see the same thing I see or figure I’m to blame. Thanks for the input.

8

The best stress buster I have seen is exercise. I think it is the combination of sweat, physical movement and thinking things out that make it so effective. And you can improve your health status as well. The beauty of it all is that there is a wide variety of ways to work out: punching bags, weights, running/walking/jogging, swimming, sports…

Your husband is probably rejecting anger mgt because it sounds too wooosie whereas punching the shit out of a punching bag is more up his alley. One aside word whatever you do, and this might not be true in your case, he might begin to take things out on you physically and use stress as an excuse.

9

Is your husband verbally abusive? I that what you are trying to say? You say he’s angry all the time. Take a look at this site and decide for yourself. http://www.drirene.com

Needs2know

10

One is known by the company they keep. Sounds like a lot of nit picking over nothing important. As a guy, I must say that can really get to us sometimes. Perhaps a little less defense & a little more acceptance would be better…

e.g.:
" Did you see this article in the paper?"
" Which article?"

11

Brunetter, your husband overreacted when you stated the “in your eye” kind of obvious.

You say “He has no tools to deal with his tension other than this” while you “don’t bark off at him for no reason.” Perhaps he interpreted your obvious statement as a bark.

Instead of anger management for him, why don’t the TWO of you sit down and list two things the other does that is irritating at this moment in your life. Don’t carry on about the irritation, just list them and agree to recognize that characteristic. Once you know what ticks him off, you won’t have to walk around on eggshells so much. Once he recognizes what is driving you buggy, maybe he’ll try to stop sulking.

Hope whatever is causing you both your mutual stress is resolved.

12

Reading the original conversation, it seems to me your original retort was extremely snappish and petulant.

What is that?! Here he is, trying to point out something that’s caught his interest and you’re harping on why his question doesn’t make any sense from a semantic point of view.

I’m sorry, this is a bit of a knee-jerk reaction, I know, but growing up with a parent who did that incessantly brings it out in me. It takes two to tango and I really think you should try listening to what your husband is trying to say instead of the immediate semantics behind the words. Stop being so freaking picky.

13

Your husband is angry with you for some past slight (real or imagined). It concerns an issue he does not want to talk about or does not know how. (possible self-esteem issue, most likely sexual in nature)
So the best he can do is pout and try to pick a fight over something stupid and trivial.

14

Not that we’re voting or anything here, but my initial reaction to your post was as others have said, that you may have been the instigator.

Also, my initial reaction to your “He can’t express his feelings and I’ve told him several times he needs anger management help” post was the same. I can’t help but wonder if in fact you’re starting fights then telling him he should see a shrink. If I were in his spot, I’d be pissed too.

That’s just my impression, and I could be way off base. If so, I apologize.

15

Is he abusive? Sounds like a jerk. Blah blah blah…

Sounds to me like he realized he asked a stupid question and got caught asking it. He’s embarrassed, plain and simple.

The direction of this thread bothers me. We’ve heard one minor snippet of a conversation one morning and people are asking questions regarding prior abuse???

Anyways, it seems to me that your husband has pride. You asked a valid question. If the paper was outside, how would I have read it??
He got caught…felt like an idiot…end of story.

The doctor is in…that’ll be 5 cents please.:slight_smile:

Regards, Graeme

16

Brunetter, y’all have been married what, all of 9 months so far? Don’t worry about it. It sounds to me like you both said silly things. It was amusing that you bothered saying you hadn’t seen the paper yet, and for him to think you could have is funny as well.

What tone of voice did you use when you told him you hadn’t seen the paper?

BTW he might still be in war-mode from starcraft. Or he might have seen the thread about homer’s special talent and be annoyed that you don’t get all hot when he comes. Or maybe I’m making entirely too much out of this.