This past Christmas, Jane managed to scrape together just enough money to fly cross country from MState to Westcostia to visit the one remaining family member who isn’t completely worthless.
While she was gone, the boyfriend that Jane has lived with for two years decided he’d rather she never came back again. At some point, he says he’ll drive from Mstate to Westcoasia with her stuff and her two cats.
So, Jane has been living with this family member for two weeks longer than anyone intended, out of the one suitcase she brought.
Yesterday, the family member told her she couldn’t stay any more.
There are no other family members or friends nearby to crash with. Because she flew in, she doesn’t have a car. Oh, and, due to a protracted health issue, Jane hasn’t been able to work a full time job in months. That plane ticket was some of the very last of her savings, which she only splurged on because things were rocky at home.
She is stuck 2000 miles away from her car, with maybe $100 in her pocket, and no clear course of action even if she was able to get back to Mstate.
Assuming that’s no longer an option, Jane should call her boyfriend and tell him either (depending on the situation) that he drive out now with her car and every last bit of her things, or that he send money for a bus/plane ticket so she can do it herself. Note that using the former method may not guarantee she actually gets all of her stuff, depending on his competence and/or asshole tendencies.
Take that $100 and get a bus ticket back home to face boyfriend.
Is the lease in her name? Does she have a car back home? Is she on disability? How was she making a living before? Why didn’t she use her plane ticket back as planned? Can she get a refund or a credit for the unused portion of her ticket?
Ha. Spend the refunded return ticket money on someone who will take boyfriend out in a dark alley and work him over real good. (I kid, I kid or not.) What an (hypothetical) ass.
There are too many unknowns here. Did Jane have a car? If so, where is it? What stuff is still left with boyfriend (if anything)? Does it have any value? (It’s no sense in driving across the country to get a bunch of crap that was originally purchased at the Salvation Army Thrift Store.) How old is Jane? What kind of education does she have? How bad is her injury? (Bad enough to qualify for disability? Has she FILED for disability or Social Security?) How is the public transportation system in Westcostia? (I’m assuming she doesn’t have a car with her.)
Really, the options depend on the situation where she is, and what resources she has available.
Speaking from the perspective of bottom of the barrel, I’d say she needs to file for disability (if she’s eligible), public housing, go to her local assistance office for job training, medical assistance and food stamps. If possible, consider going to school (financial assistance and all that. If possible, she may be able to live on campus, and that would take care of housing.)
Get the basic needs met, then see about climbing out of the hole.
Phall0106–someone who has pulled herself out the hole.
First, Jane needs to get stinking drunk and probably get into a fight or nail a stranger. Preferable both.
Then the next day she needs to pack her shit like she should have done two weeks ago, fly home and divide the stuff up between her and the boyfriend and either move out because the lease is in his name or refuse to leave and make him go because the lease is in her name. Then she needs to put in applications at every Burger King and convenience store or whatever she can do to get by and if she is so disabled she can’t do anything she needs to file for disability and avail herself of the services offered.
I’m getting a “sad sack” vibe from your post. I am not sure if I am reading it too harshly or not.
Even if Jane doesn’t have a lease, they might not be able to just put her out on the street on the boyfriend’s whim. She needs to stand her ground and force him to give her the respect of time to get her shit together.
Then she needs to decide if she’s really too sick to work (in which case she should look into public aid) or suck it up and get a job.
Oh yes, regarding what the others said about lease issues - if both names are on the lease, then Jane may have a problem. She’s probably still liable for half the rent whether she stays or goes, though especially if ex-BF has been paying the rent during her unemployment, he probably won’t make an issue of that if she agrees to get out. (If she leaves and he breaks the joint lease later, the landlord will probably pursue both Jane and XBF for the rest of the rent money.) She’d have legal recourse otherwise to continue to stay at the jointly-leased apartment, as long as she was covering her half of the rent.
Jane also sounds like she was experiencing symptoms of depression before the breakup. This may be in addition to or part of Jane running away from problems and making bad financial decisions in the process, which is totally understandable, but needs to stop this instant. phall0106’s advice is especially good for this aspect. Screw “too much pride to…” (whatever), she needs to take care of herself and get her life together.
More background: Jane had a pretty good job, but she started getting mysterious abdominal cramps that would send her to the bathroom for half an hour at a time. The cramps would wax and wane over the weeks, so by the time she convinced a doctor they were real and to do serious diagnostics, her job got tired of her disappearances into the bathroom and frequent sick days. They fired her and canceled the insurance before she got a diagnosis.
In the weeks since then, Jane has been actively looking for a job, but unable to find somewhere that doesn’t mind her being in the bathroom for long, frequent stretches. The Ex was the only source of income, and Jane slipped deeper into depression. She had finally located a community care practice that might help her with her intestines, when the holidays rolled around and she decided she wanted to visit family (not the best financial choice, I agree, but I’m guilty of a few of those myself.)
Jane is not above going for public assistance or working crap jobs. She just has major guilt issues. She agreed to stay in Westcostia instead of flying home partly because she felt the Ex was right to throw her out, what with her not contributing to the household earnings the last few months. Her job search has been hindered because she feels like she is trying to sell the employer broken goods. From her emails, it sounds like she is getting over the guilt issue, but the depression issue is setting in hard core.
Update: She says she is going to have a serious conversation with the Ex tonight, and put her foot down at least far enough that he helps her get a flight home to get her stuff.
I think that getting her back to her car will be invaluable, but she doesn’t see it. Got any ideas of how I can convince her?
How old is Jane? Because anything past, say, 25 and I am really wanting to dump her myself. She’s putting herself in these situations. Maybe not the abdominal cramps, but just the little bit you’ve given us here tells me she probably didn’t handle it well with her employer that helped with the firing. (I’m thinking along the lines of “Boss, I am having some weird medical things and I know it’s affecting my work and I seem to be disappearing a lot. I am working with a doc to get this handled and I’ll stay late to make sure my work doesn’t suffer.” Stuff like that)
If you have to convince her that getting her car back is a good thing - a car, a large piece of machinery that she owns and having it in her possession - then I don’t know what you can do except watch her self destruct. I know about having to be a friend to people when they are down but just reading about her is wearing me out. I’m glad you are being a friend to her but I’m afraid she is going to have to pull herself out. She can’t be convinced to give up control over her life - you or someone else having to say “get your car back” “it’s time for you to go home now.”
Was she always like this or was she a normal productive person that had a breaking point with the medical issues. That would actually influence my view quite a bit. If she is having a breakdown but was otherwise a dependable person I would go as far as flying out there myself to take care of her and temporarily taking over her life (I use that term somewhat in jest so don’t get mad). But if she were a perpetual sad sack I would cut and run.
Shellibean: Jane is a bit of both. She came from a seriously messed up family and spent basically the last decade in therapy, building herself back up. I’ve known her about 6 years now, and, until this, she’s been pretty stable, holding down a job, going to community college, keeping a roof over her head and her bills paid. She’s about 26. About 2 years ago, she met her Ex and decided to move cross country to be with him and his new job. The big problems started about 3 months ago.
I agree with y’all that some folks bring drama on themselves, and Jane has a bit of that going on. But, she is not hopeless.
If she can’t get some sort of return ticket, does she have a friend who could help her get one? Like a hypothetical one who hypothetically raises this hypothetical situation on a hypothetical message board?
Btw, I can totally understand if hypo friend can’t afford that sort of outlay.
I guess all you can do is say: Jane, I am willing to take you to the Medicaid office and help you move your stuff out. I will talk to Ex BF and see about packing some of your stuff before you get here. But you have to take the first step and get yourself back here by X date and put some effort into this too. I want to help you but I can’t do it for you. If you can’t do anything for yourself then I can’t do anything for you.
PS - if her family is so messed up then why did she spend all her money to travel to see them? I am really trying hard not to beat her with a stick.
Update (for closure): Jane is flying home tomorrow to at least get her car, cats, and her more important stuff. I’m pretty sure my prodding got her to insist that the Ex pay for her flight home if he was going to pull this sort of bullshit. She has no idea what to do once she has the car.
Jane’s Hypothetical friends managed to scrape together about $150, which will be pretty much all she has for money. She’ll be a couple thousand miles away from any friend’s couches, and clearly she has no family to fall back on. So, I guess it’s living out of the car or any shelters she can find, working odd jobs?
ShelliBeano: Apparently, the family member she went to visit was fairly normal until the week-long visit became Roommate for the Near Future. What’s that Ben Franklin saying about visitors and day-old fish?
EX BF should put her up for a while, if he owns a house. If it’s an apartment, she should keep it and he should move out. I mean, this was someone he cared about, right?
Or she could stand her ground and live in her apartment with ex until she can afford to move out or finds a better situation (within a certain timeframe, say 3 months). He may not want to date her anymore but she should not be forced to live on the street because he is no longer romantically attached to her.
However, if she is really as completely incapable to take care of herself as you seem to be describing, then she needs a case worker or to be institutionalized or something. If she can manage the stamina and hassle of flying across country then surely - surely she can manage to find a job, if even for part time. Once she accepts a job she should be able to talk to her manager about her condition, and they should be required to make reasonable accommodations for her.
