I have a friend who is a verbally abusive relationship. She made the decision to leave when he started turning the insults on her 18 month old boy. He’s in the Air Force and on some sort of assignment where he has to be away until Wednesday. She’s gone to his First Shirt about the abuse and the withholding of money while he was on deployment, but the First Shirt says she shouldn’t leave or take her child until she has proof, or she could lose everything. I’m 90% sure he’s full of it.
Her parents live out of state. If she were to put her child in the car and go to her parents, would she actually suffer any legal consequences? What can she do? He restricts money so that she never has access to more than 50$ at a time, so she’d have to book it straight for her parent’s house.
I’m not looking to tell her what to do based on this information. My google is failing me a bit here and I just need a jumping off point so I get some idea of what she is dealing with here. I’m also honestly just kind of curious.
Tell her to call Family Advocacy, or whatever they call it in the Air Force. They will be able to advise her better than anything she could get on a message board. I don’t understand what she feels she can lose other than an abusive husband. If she does not feel right about contacting Family Advocacy, she can make an appointment with her Primary Care Manager at the medical clinic. I know she does not have any physical abuse, but the doctor can advise her about abuse and her options.
Is it his kid? If they are married and she takes the child out of the state, a court is likely to force the child’s return. It can be a really bad way to start off a custody fight.
She might also want to contact a local women’s shelter, if there is one nearby. Even if she’s not in physical danger, they’ll surely have a lot of experience with military families, local resources, general advice, etc.
The spouse sounds like a scary person.
If she does opt to take the kid and run back to her parents, will local friends be able to help scrape up cash for gasoline / air fare / bus fare?
There are many hotlines out there for abused women. I just googled “NJ abused women hotline” and turned up a load of listings. It’s perfectly okay for her to call a hotline that has “battered women” in its name. They’ll still know how to help her.
And here’s some advice from an abused, but not battered woman–please do whatever you can to make her understand that emotional, psychological, and financial abuse are in no way “lesser” than physical abuse.
If they are all adults I’m not clear what she thinks his occupational superior is supposed to be doing about her (assumed) husband saying mean things to her and not giving her access to this paycheck for necessities to run the household.
The SO may be a world class jerk, but is this really something that she thinks his work superior should be wading into re managing the details and legalities of a domestic dispute between two married adults? It sounds somewhat odd to expect this. Shouldn’t she be talking to an attorney?
In the US Air Force, Senior Non-Commissioned Officers are there to take care of the Airmen in their unit. If an Airman, Soldier, Seaman, or Marine is abusing a member of his family, the Military will fix the situation.
The trouble is that COs and SOs are too often more concerned about their workers than the worker’s family member. She needs to go to the Family Advocacy unit - the nearest shelter - or just go home to her parents. She has a right to go see them, this IS the USA, after all!
In a relationship this sick, it is best to just get out while you can and let the chips fall. It is much too easy for the abused person’s strength to fail. and this little boy is in serious danger - his brain could be permanently rewired by the trauma of being yelled at or shamed this early in life. Even just observing his Mother’s fear could cause him a lifetime of anxiety and depression.
The Officer who gave the answers you describe will almost certainly have discussed this with the male (husband?). She will be in far more danger once he returns, and don’t be surprised if he comes home early, 'cause he could get a hardship pass once he knows what’s happening.
The die is cast, she needs to go, now. Either to a shelter, or to her parents if she can safely and reliably get there.
It might be wise to stop at the nearest police station (NOT the military police) and see if they’ll give her a restraining order. Do the same on the other end. Even if they can’t give it to her, at least they’lll have a record of her having requested it. There is every reason to believe that his bad behavior will escalate when he returns.
There are many options, but they all start with contacting the Family Advocacy group, and the local police. A military member is required to provide for his or her family. A “first shirt” can’t do a darned thing except talk to the offending member without documentation from Family Advocacy and/or local police. The First Shirt’s hands are tied. He can’t take a random person’s (even a wife’s) word on what’s going on. Have your friend make the appropriate contacts, especially to Family Advocacy, and let them advise her on the potential trip to her mother’s house. They a) can provide food, clothing, and separate shelter; b) can provide funds to accomplish household requirements (including gas to get away from the situation), to be subtracted from future paychecks of the member; and c) can get the member’s pay split into his and hers paychecks. Yes, this is all possible. It happens.
Like I said before, I am not looking to go to her and tell her ‘OMG Go do xyz right now because my internet friends said so.’ but rather get some solid information to begin to give her a glimmer of a clue that everything her husband and his First Shirt have said to her has been designed to keep her scared.
I told her today that she could contact Family Advocacy and they would help her. The thing has her so scared that she wouldn’t give them any information. She’s convinced it will get back to him and the last time she contacted his superiors he told her that she ‘wouldn’t like the consequences’ if she ever did that again. I don’t think she’s ready to get out and I don’t think I can help her. She 2500 miles away from me. There’s only so many times I can tell her that her child is in danger.
Lacking more info from the OP about specifics of what the verbal abuse entailed how would you characterize “verbal abuse” other than the continual saying of mean, hurtful things?
That’s why she needs to get to a safe place… and now. Living in the fear of immediate harm is no way to raise a child. She needs to go, now, and get someone to help her. There are a lot of good suggestions here. She should follow them ASAP.
That’s why I suggested that she call a hotline outside of the military. One of the effects of emotional abuse is the belief that everybody will be on your abuser’s side, and the abuser does what he can to reinforce that notion. The Air Force may well have excellent resources for her, but she probably needs some backup and support from the outside in order to use them effectively. A spousal abuse hotline located in an area with a large military population might know exactly how to help her with this.
Please recommend this extraordinary bookto her, too. I read it over two years after I left my abusive marriage. I wish I had known about it sooner.
I wouldn’t even begin to know how to explain the difference between abuse and being an asshole. I popped this site up on google. I haven’t read it thoroughly yet, but so far it seems to be pretty good.