I love my husband and want to stay with him but I don’t see how I possibly can. I live on a military base and it is impossible for me to get a job here, because jobs are very limited to begin with, but they’re more limited to me because I have to worry about childcare (very expensive here). I don’t have the experience necessary for good jobs, but in order to actually make any money I need a good job, because of the childcare expense. Other spouses here get special referrals, but I got married after moving here so I don’t qualify for that. (Confusing, I know.)
I’m overseas, the kids are my stepchildren, I have no friends. I’m very depressed. I wanted to go back to the US for a few months, stay with my Dad, and work till I have a few thousand dollars, probably a couple of months. Then come back. But that’s too expensive and today I found out my husband is deploying for 2 weeks next month. It’s only two weeks, and it’s for school, not war, so he’ll be back on time, but I’m so depressed here that him leaving for two weeks is like my sun going out.
Basically, this is a very unhealthy situation for me to be in, because it has made me suicidal. I want to be with my husband but logically it doesn’t seem to make sense for me to. And he always says “if you want to go, just go, leave me alone and let me go to sleep so I can do my job”, which doesnt exactly make me feel like I should stay.
There has to be a base spouses support group not very far from you. You really need to talk to someone and that’s what they do.
If I’m reading it right (and correct me if I’m wrong) you’re feeling a sense of isolation, a profound one. You’re cut off from your previous group and support network and haven’t yet found your place in the new location.
But they’re there for you if you’ll reach out for them. And by talking to them (the people most likely to empathize with you) you’ll start establishing friendships and finding out where you fit in this new community.
Acrossthesea, you have been telling us about this relationship for quite some time now. I don’t know you or your husband, but from what you say, he’s very abusive and takes advantage of you. Why don’t you follow your gut and go home for a while. You’ll see things more clearly. This guy doesn’t seem to give two shits about you except that you’re a built-in babysitter. I hate to be so blunt, but you haven’t shared any nice qualities about him. He hits you and threatens you and then treats you like a side dish he didn’t order. You’re young and you’ll find someone who is worthy of your devotion. It doesn’t sound like this guy is the one.
acrossthesea , I don’t know anything about your relationship except for reading Kalhoun’s statements. If your husband hits you, it’s not love, it will not get better, and you must get out of that relationship for your own good.
Personally, I think that you should take his advice and go.
Tell your family about the abuse. I am sure that they can help you with the money for a plane ticket. If that doesn’t work then tell the military about the abuse and they will give you the money to get home.
The ages of the children and even their welfare is completely irrelevant to the situation. acrossthesea, has a greater responsibility for her own welfare.
Do a google search on codependent relationships, check out the links. If you think you’re in such a relationship, get the hell out.
You can’t save them and you’re not responsible for them. Your love won’t change them. Just get out.
Get out, acrossthesea. I’ve read all your earlier threads, and there is simply nothing good there. Nothing at all. I know you feel love for your husband and responsibility to the children and him, but you truly have a greater responsibility to yourself right now. GET OUT.
The military will help yoiu, if you allow them to. Your own immediate and/or extended family will help, I am sure, if you explain to them what’s happening. Leave. It’s well past time.
The welfare of the children are completely irrelevant? Are you serious? This guy is abusive…if she can get the kids out of the situation and take them with her on a vacation home to the states and sort things out for herself why is that a bad idea?
Sadly, acrossthesea will probably not come back to this thread. I don’t think that we are telling her what she wants to hear.
I wonder if you are worried about hearing “I told you so” from your family. You didn’t know this man for very long or very well before you left the country and married him. You made a mistake. Every single person on this board has made a big mistake at least once in their life. I would be willing to bet that most of us have made several. Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you have to keep living it.
Get out of Japan. Get the military to help you. Do what you can to make sure that the kids are put in a safe home (perhaps back with their mother?).
They aren’t her kids. She needs to get them some place safe but I doubt that legally she can take them.
Wait…on preview I see that you already know that they aren’t her kids.
If you read her past threads you will see that the kids are young (something like 2 and 3). It isn’t clear how the husband got custody of the kids but he does claim that their mother was abusive to him. I doubt that claim because he seems to a pathological liar. Only a few days after pushing acrossthesea hard enough to injure her during a yelling match he denied ever even having an argument to her. The abuse he took from his ex is supposedly the reason that he abuses acrossthesea now.
I feel like she should notify the military about the kids situation after she leaves. Otherwise he will use the children to hold on to her.
Because it would be kidnapping? They are not her children. Since she cannot get the children away from their father, is she supposed to suffer with them? Codependent people think this way but it is not correct. The only person that she can do any good for is herself. She doesn’t have to feel good about leaving the kids but she only two choices:
live with an abusive husband.
divorce him.
The children are not her responsibility.
What she needs to understand is that regardless of how many sweet moments he has , he is an abuser and that will not change. He will not change.
Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m still posting to this thread. I’m fairly convinced acrossthesea won’t take the advice at least some of us have experience with. whatever. She’ll learn in her own way.
I completely agree that she should get out. It sounds to me like the husband is under so much stress that he wouldn’t mind if she took the kids with her if she wanted to. Isn’t he leaving soon on assignment anyway or something like that?
I understand that they are not her responsibility but if she could get them out of that situation that would definitely be a great thing.
To write off 2 kids under the age of 4 as being irrelevant to me is absurd.
Yes…leave the situation but try to do something for the kid’s sake also.
Good luck. I read the past threads and it seems to me as if you feel you somehow deserve this behavior or that he doesn’t really mean it. I hope you can find a good friend, support group or something to show you how untrue that is.