He came back and dumped me for his ex wife

The subject says it all. My husband went tdy for two weeks and came back and says we have to get divorced because he lost all feelings for me and he wants his ex wife. Because she is the mother of his children. He told me to think of them as my own and I’ve been raising them as such. And I have this new job I love and I was so happy and he refuses to work with me. He says his ex made him violent and he should be with her. And all the stuff he said at the beginning about loving me and “I will never hurt you” he meant but now he has “changed” and went “on a long flight and never landed” and all he has to say is “I am horrible but you’ll just find someone better.”

Might I add I am thousands in debt and have noone I can stay with.

I am so dead

If I recall, you’re a military wife, yes? Get yourself to the ombudsman for his unit and make sure you’re not left in the lurch. He still has a responsiblity towards you. If you don’t look out for yourself, no one else will.

Good luck and take care.

I hate to sound harsh…but…this surprises you? Based on some of your previous threads you are far better off without this man my dear.

My sympathies lie with those 2 poor kids who have suffered through this soap opera.

Count your blessings you are going to be rid of him before he hits you again.

Use the military to even the score with this asshole. Sorry, dear, but he has been shitting on you for a very long time. He never loved you. You were a free babysitting service. His children are in far worse shape than you, sad to say. They can’t pick their parents. You, however, can pick someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.

Make sure he pays his share of the debts and get the hell out while you still can. I have a feeling his ex is going to regret her decision to go back, but you should be long gone and building a real life by then. Just remind yourself of all the sadness this man has brought you. Don’t forget how he smacked you around and belittled you. Think about it every day so you realize why you don’t need him.

Sounds like he is doing you a favor in the long run. I’ve not read any of your previous threads but from what’s been mentioned, he sounds like a huge jerk! Let him go but make sure you don’t get screwed twice. The military should be able to help you somehow, no?

Good luck and don’t be afraid to ask for help!

Congradulations. It might not feel like it now, but this might be the best thing that could ever happen.

Your husband is mean to you and he hits you. Life is too short to spend it like that.

Get what ever help you can from the military and run away as fast as you can. Don’t look back.

Can you stay with your father or mother for a short period of time?

I have read your previous threads and I agree with the others - he is doing you a favor by leaving. Even if you go bankrupt, it is the lesser evil than staying with this man. He used you and abused you. Take whatever money you can out of the bank and get a plane ticket back to the states ASAP.

Can’t say I’m surprised, after reading your last thread. Take FCM’s advice about talking to the ombudsman, and get away from this abusive jerk - and be glad he let you get away, rather than keeping you around to abuse more.

You were (are) in an abusive relationship; you don’t realize it now but this is truly for the best. He has physically abused you before and sounds like (from your own posts) he was a master at emotional manipulation as well.

Go speak to the Squadron Commander and/or First Sergeant - you do have a certain amount of assistance that you are entitled to as a Military Spouse. You can get a Early Return of Dependents (ERD) as I mentioned to you in another post. The Military will pay for your plane ticket home. I would also talk to the Commander/ First Sergeant about him giving you some financial assistance in the interim. I would seek alimony also.

Best Wishes to you - it only gets better from here.

Wow. I can’t say anything that hasn’t been said before, but maybe hearing in en masse will help it sink in.

I’ve read your previous posts and good riddance to bad garbage! I hope you find yourself safely back on your feet very soon. In the meantime, get this guy for all he’s worth. No, wait, he’s not worth very much as a human being. Get him for all YOU’RE worth! Good luck, and you’re in my thoughts.

I remember replying in your last thread when you were freaking out because he had gone TDY and you had not heard from him yet. Perhaps this outcome is what you subconciously feared?

Crass as it may sound, maybe he has done you a favor by ending a relationship that you wouldn’t have ended on your own. Nobody deserves to be in an abusive relationship, but some people have a hard time extracting themselves from them.

Definitely talk to his commander at your first opportunity. That’s one of the few people that can make him own up to his responsibilities. Do you love your new job enough to stay in Japan by yourself and live on the economy? If not, take the ERD Slainte suggested. The military should pay for your plane trip and ship your belongings to a destination of your choice (make sure you know for sure where that destination will be!) As for alimony, that’s up to you. It’ll mean you’ll still have some kind of connection to him and you need to think long and hard about that to see if you can handle it.

Best of luck to you acrossthesea.

P.S. There might be some fellow Dopers in Japan that you could call on for some advice and support.

Maybe you’re just talking about the job, and if so, I apologize for the misunderstanding, but acrossthesea, you haven’t been happy. I know you are scared and you think you can’t do this, but you can. You will be fine. Your husband may be screwed up, but he is right about one thing: he is horrible, and you will find someone better. Okay, I guess that’s two things. :slight_smile:

One more thing: I am not saying that you’re doing this; I obviously don’t know you well enough to make that call, but maybe you are confusing turmoil with love. Maybe when you think of him you feel something very strongly; you feel torn and as if you can’t think of anything else. That’s not necessarily love. Real love, especially as time goes on, involves less drama and angst and more peace and understanding, and that’s a good thing.

I remember replying in your last thread when you were freaking out because he had gone TDY and you had not heard from him yet. Perhaps this outcome is what you subconciously feared?

Crass as it may sound, maybe he has done you a favor by ending a relationship that you wouldn’t have ended on your own. Nobody deserves to be in an abusive relationship, but some people have a hard time extracting themselves from them.

Definitely talk to his commander at your first opportunity. That’s one of the few people that can make him own up to his responsibilities. Do you love your new job enough to stay in Japan by yourself and live on the economy? If not, take the ERD Slainte suggested. The military should pay for your plane trip and ship your belongings to a destination of your choice (make sure you know for sure where that destination will be!) As for alimony, that’s up to you. It’ll mean you’ll still have some kind of connection to him and you need to think long and hard about that to see if you can handle it.

Best of luck to you acrossthesea.

P.S. There might be some fellow Dopers in Japan that you could call on for some advice and support.

In addition to speaking with his commander/first sergeant, I’ll add that many bases have a family support center (usually run by civilians) which will have information and counselors to help you. I know money is tight, but you would benefit from having an attorney familiar with military divorce issues. At the very least, speak with your base legal office. That’s free and they should be familiar with the important issues regarding a divorce from a servicemember. I’m not certain if they can represent you or not . . . but that’s something you can find out when you visit (any dopers know?).

Best of luck!

caligynephobia

I would dump him based on this sentence alone.

What is TDY?

Best of luck, and prayers, for you and your family.

Regards,
Shodan

Temporary Detached Duty.

Well, thank God. I couldn’t agree more with Horseflesh:

You WILL be fine – in fact, much better than you are now. I have no doubt about it, now that you no longer have to be tied to this man (using “man” in the loosest sense of the word). Take the others’ advice and use the fact that you’re a military spouse to your advantage. They will help you. Talk to your parents. They will help you. There are agencies in the US that can help you. You’re not stuck, and you’re not dead. Best wishes for a brighter future.

Allow me to clarify my statement:

I would ask (if I were in your shoes) that he assist you with getting re-established on your own. Alimony would only be for a short amount of time (maybe six months or a year) if he doesn’t voluntarily assist you (and something tells me that Mr. Wonderful probably won’t).

Horseflesh made a very good point:

Keep your chin up, acrossthesea. You can do this, and you will be so much better off in the long run (easier said than done, I know, but true nonetheless).

accrossthesea it may seem bad now but like Slainte said keep your chin up, you’ll make it through. good luck.

Good luck to you and good riddance to bad rubbish.