The H-M rules on music are complex simply because amongst different groups of H-Ms there are different standards of what constitutes good music. Word Man covered the guitar basics, but I shall offer some broad music rules:
[ul]
[li]If you are amongst a group of rock loving H-Ms, guitar solos are ultra manly. The longer the go on, the more complicated they are, the more superfluous they are the better. Choruses should be able to be shouted along to. Power chords are fantastic. Riffs are good too. If it’s a riff simple enough that your average H-M can play it on guitar, even if he does not actually play that instrument, all the better (see “Smoke on the Water”). Drums should be played by people, not machines. If it’s a slow song or a quiet song, it should be the type that can you can wave a lighter along to and/or sing along to with your buddies when you’re plastered. The best H-M rock music was made between the mid '60s and 10 years before today’s date, whenever that may be.[/li][li]If you are amongst a group of rap loving H-Ms, you must bemoan the fact that rap is not as good as it was at some point in the past. Rap about drinking, selling drugs, using drugs, pimping, fancy cars, tearing the club up, how great the rapper is, hoes, murder, crime and guns is good. Backpacker rap is bad. R&B hooks are particularly bad, but if your favorite rapper has one on an album, you can excuse it as a “for the ladies” track. Snitching is bad. The best rap is unquestionably made by rappers from your city.[/li][li]Techno music is not manly, unless you have a strong European connection. A southern or eastern European connection is better than a western or northern connection in this case.[/li][li]Punk is not H-M. Some of you may point at Henry Rollins and disagree, but I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is. Punk has too many connections with unmanly things like make-up, fashion, homosexuality and liberalism. Also, it has a disturbing uninterest in technical accomplishment, and H-M is a big fan of useless technical accomplishments. If a punk band has become sufficiently mainstream, it can be appreciated by H-M as “classic rock” (for instance, The Clash). There’s an exception for hardcore, but it must be the purest possible hardcore, and it must not be straightedge, or any type of hardcore with sympathies for feminism, environmentalism or other liberal causes.[/li][li]New-wave is not H-M. Pop music is not H-M. R&B is not H-M, but soul is. If you like an R&B act, you must argue that the act is actually soul, but your argument will probably be in vain. Disco is not H-M. Indie rock is not H-M. If you are white and into rock, black music that is no longer popular amongst black people is H-M.[/li][li] Synthesizers are not H-M, unless you belong to a group of Southern, rap-loving H-Ms. Pianos are not H-M unless for the purpose of the previously referenced lighters-aloft ballad. Backup singers are H-M if you have more than four of them and they are women (increases the possibility of a backstage orgy). Saxophones are H-M if they are used for a solo in a rock song and the sax is being played by a black man. Any instrument with more strings than that instrument is supposed to have is manly. Any instrument with almost entirely unnecessary modifications is manly (e.g. double-necked guitars). [/li][li]Big speakers are H-M. Big speakers in your car are very H-M. An expensive stereo is very H-M. The key is to have loud, fancy equipment without crossing over into audio-geek territory.[/li][li]Playing stadia and arenas is very H-M (note: using that plural of stadium is not H-M, and may well be incorrect). Selling-out is not H-M.[/li][/ul]
