Well I never! Rules for living...

1. Never pass a pub with your name on it.

2. Never go commando wearing a loose frock in a strong breeze.

3. Never wear a tie that could panic a cat.

4. Never

  1. Never substitute lighter fluid for hair mousse.
  1. Never steal Tir’s beer. :smiley:

But…but the pub with my name on it is full of yuppie wankers and serves crap beer! No way in hell I’m going in there!

And yes, there really is at least one pub with my name on it, although obviously it isn’t named after me.

More rules…

  1. When in foreign countries where you don’t know the language, never just point to a random item on the menu and say “I’ll have that.” I got an entire baked cuttlefish in Palermo that way. Urgh. It kept looking at me.

  2. Never chew gum in bed.

  3. Never wear sandals while cleaning your septic tank.

  1. Never tie your shoes while driving.

  2. Never share your gum with squirrels.

11. Never put toast & jam in the video player.

12. Never stick a sppon in the belnder while it’s on.

13. Never try to smoke a twiglet.

14. Never try to spell while drunk…

spoon and blender… :wink:

Or her smokes. :smiley:

  1. Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.

  2. Never pet a burning dog.

  1. Never put a string on your finger, cause you’d forget anyway. However, tie it to…say…your nipple, then you’d definitely remember.

  2. Never plant coins. Everyone knows only paper grows on trees
    .

  1. Don’t smoke and ride a bicycle at the same time.

  2. Never tickle your cat.

I guess I’m 19 and 20, then…

  1. Never make Banner angry. You wouldn’t like him if he was angry.
  1. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
  2. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

Y’know, I don’t think I’d heard of #22 before. Must be slightly less well known. :wink:

  1. Never get drunk and try to cook a peanut satay sauce for your slightly stale toasted bread. The results are never pretty.

  2. Don’t insult the bouncer. You’re not as funny as you think you are.

  1. Never trust anyone who prefaces what they say with “I’m gonna be honest with you” a lot.
  1. Never try to invade Russia in the middle of winter

  2. Never feed your cats string

  1. Never take a tour of the FBI building while high as a kite.

  2. Never tell your girlfriend you’d dump her in a second if your ex showed up. (Women like me will take that personally, and hurt you.)

  3. Never triple-dog-dare a Rocky Horror Picture Show cast member to do anything.

  4. Another one for the men: Never walk around naked in a house where a kitten dwells.

Never drink anything blue.

Never stand up in a canoe.

Never lay down with someone crazier than you are.

Never believe ‘I couldn’t feel any worse.’

Anyone for a quick pint down at the old Spoon and Blender?

Never play cards with a man called “Doc.”

Never stick your big toe in the spigot while lying in the bath. Just don’t.