Hey Everyone

Last Thursday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, and on Friday I was admitted to the hospital for observation and re-adjustment of my medication.

I am home now.

I’ve always “shot straight” with y’all, and I’m going to to do that now as well.

I’ve been having what are known as “suicidal ideations.”

Not attempts. Just thinking maybe I wouldn’t be so much trouble if one morning I “woke up dead” (which my shrink thought was funny as hell, btw).

Long story short, it scared D so bad, she decided I had better be watched, so I agreed that if my doc thought it best, I’d go on in to Ridgeview Institute, and that’s what happened.

I know: Suicide is a very selfish act which only hurts those you leave behind. I know all that, but try telling that to someone on the “edge” of that blade.

But that ain’t all of it.

Unbeknownst to D, I had been secretly “cutting back” on my depression/dementia meds to save money, and that’s what did me in.

So for the past 5 nights, that’s where I’ve been and I am sorry that I put D through all of that. Not only her, but my son, my grandkids, my brother and my in-laws who had the family Christmas party last Saturday night without me.

COBRA runs out in 8 days, and after that, it’s the free clinic, free meds or the VA. No more doctor’s visits with only $40 co-pays or drugs with $10-25 dollar ones.

One of my friends on what we called “The Green Mile” is a fellow Viet-Nam vet, and told me to get my ass and my DD 214 down to the elegibility center in Atlanta ASAP. so there’s “light on the horizon”, and we’re going to do that next Monday.

On 11 December, I was notified by Social Security that my request for disability has been denied because they feel I can get better in 12 months with continued treatment.

If you think that this is what caused the “ideations”, don’t. I’ve been expecting that, and I’ve already let the Binder & Binder “horses” out of the corral.

No, it was just me.

Me and my stupidity.

Thank you, Johnny for letting our friends know that I hadn’t already “bitten the big one”.:slight_smile:

I didn’t have computer access on “The Mile” or I would have already written myself.

I love you all very much and I just wish I weren’t so fucked up.

Thanks for all the good thoughts and messages.


Quasi, thanks for posting!
I can’t say I understand what you’re going through, because I’m sure you don’t. But the world would be a poorer place without you!

You realize, of course (or your wife does) that most major pharma companies make their drugs available for free or at very low cost to people like you? All you need is a psychiatrist to distribute them.

Please hang in there a while longer, buddy.

We love you!

Hi Quasi. I only found out about this yesterday. I’m glad you’re out now. Take care, and enjoy Christmas with your loved ones.

I’m so glad that you had the courage to own up to the thoughts you’ve been having. And also to share it here, where it may help others who are having the same feelings/ideas.

Please hang in there, and do get down to the VA. Ask your Doctor to write a note and give you a copy of your file to take with you. It will speed things up considerably if you have it in your hands. My Dad uses the VA, and he says it’s relaly not bad if you have a good advocate, or can do that for yourself. It’s the people who maybe can’t speak up for themselves who tend not to get the help they need.

Remember, this too shall pass. No permanent solutions to temporary problems!

Thank you.

Yeah, death just seems counterproductive.

Keep swinging, Quasi! Don’t go down until they take you down! :wink:

You don’t know me (because I don’t post often), but I have followed your story. The above quote is BS by the Social Security Administration. Get a lawyer. I personally know of three people who were granted SSI disability because they can’t read. It’s their only disability because two of the three were holding full time employment at the time of their disability award. The third is 50 years old and lives with mommy & daddy. Granted, this probably isn’t the norm, but don’t give up easy. Fight for it!

Of course, I have no way of proving the above information, but it is true.

Going back to Lurkerville now.

Dude, I would so totally smack you upside the head if I could. I’m glad you’re doing better, so don’t skimp on the medicine any more, mmmkay?

Oh, and I also heard that SSI routinely turns down first requests. So, get a lawyer who loves to eat government bureaucracy for lunch and let him go to town.

Let us know how things go on Monday, sweetie. I’ll keep you and the lovely D in my thoughts.

You’ve got a lot on your plate, for sure. My husband gets his meds through the VA but it wasn’t a cakewalk. Take your 2008 tax return with you when you go see them – they’ll want proof of income. Heck, it wouldn’t hurt to get someone from the local VFW to go with you. They’ll likely know everything you’d be eligible for and by gum, go for all of it.

SSA Disability’s no cakewalk either. It’s routine for them to deny everyone’s initial application, but the appeal process will be easier. My first husband had pulmonary fibrosis – it’s incurable, often terminal (it was with him) but SSA denied his application. He won on appeal.

Fingers crossed that things go more smoothly for you in 2010.

And don’t be afraid to ask your docs for samples. Most of them, if they know of your financial situation, will help. Now is not the time to be prideful.

Good luck to you.

QFT. Get a lawyer!

It’s my (admittedly limited) understanding that just about everyone is denied disability the first time! So you need to re-apply. But a lawyer can do that much more efficiently, and is, as is my understanding, well worth the cost!

Joining Ivylass in giving you a smack upside the head.

Followed by a big hug for you and D. :wink:

You are a good guy Bill, and I truly hope that the light on the horizon is now burning brightly and can steer you where you need to go, leading you straight to the help you deserve!!!

Stay Strong—Matthew in Salt Lake

I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better now, Quasi! Keep doing what you need to do, okay?

Good luck, and warm thoughts to you.

Thank you for seeking help - I know someone who wasn’t so brave and it ended in tragedy. You did the right thing.

Whew! Feel better!

I’m very sorry to hear what caused this latest set of problems. I’m glad to hear you’re back home, now. I hope you’re feeling a bit better.

All jokes about the VA aside - I have to say that they’ve never been anything but helpful, concerned and attentive to my needs, or even the needs of my father when we looked to them for assistance in caring for him. While there are plenty of horror stories out there from the VA, there are also a lot of stories like mine, too, where the VA has been a godsend.

Just for one example, if you’re in a position where you may be eligible for SSID, it’s possible you may qualify for a VA pension that pays about the same as SSID. It was also much, much simpler to get than SSID. Again, your VA clinic may be different, but that’s what my experience was.

Pleeeease get to the VA. My grandpa is a WWII vet and he gets a fantastic prescription plan through them.

Don’t be stubborn, you old fool! Listen to your friends and your kids when they tell you what’s what!

Big hugs, glad you took some advice and got your head straight. Now stop trying to be a hero and get yourself right for good! We need ya!


Hang tough.

Remember my advice about sending in the exact same letter about your memory problems every sinle day.

Glad to help!

I have been following your saga as I see it, but not really commenting.

I just want to say that this OP was the best written thing I have seen from you for a while!

Whatever the docs did to you, worked wonders. Remember that, do what they recommend, and keep this thread as a baseline if you start to feel a bit off.

Good luck!

Merry Christmas, Quasi!