Last Thursday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, and on Friday I was admitted to the hospital for observation and re-adjustment of my medication.
I am home now.
I’ve always “shot straight” with y’all, and I’m going to to do that now as well.
I’ve been having what are known as “suicidal ideations.”
Not attempts. Just thinking maybe I wouldn’t be so much trouble if one morning I “woke up dead” (which my shrink thought was funny as hell, btw).
Long story short, it scared D so bad, she decided I had better be watched, so I agreed that if my doc thought it best, I’d go on in to Ridgeview Institute, and that’s what happened.
I know: Suicide is a very selfish act which only hurts those you leave behind. I know all that, but try telling that to someone on the “edge” of that blade.
But that ain’t all of it.
Unbeknownst to D, I had been secretly “cutting back” on my depression/dementia meds to save money, and that’s what did me in.
So for the past 5 nights, that’s where I’ve been and I am sorry that I put D through all of that. Not only her, but my son, my grandkids, my brother and my in-laws who had the family Christmas party last Saturday night without me.
COBRA runs out in 8 days, and after that, it’s the free clinic, free meds or the VA. No more doctor’s visits with only $40 co-pays or drugs with $10-25 dollar ones.
One of my friends on what we called “The Green Mile” is a fellow Viet-Nam vet, and told me to get my ass and my DD 214 down to the elegibility center in Atlanta ASAP. so there’s “light on the horizon”, and we’re going to do that next Monday.
On 11 December, I was notified by Social Security that my request for disability has been denied because they feel I can get better in 12 months with continued treatment.
If you think that this is what caused the “ideations”, don’t. I’ve been expecting that, and I’ve already let the Binder & Binder “horses” out of the corral.
No, it was just me.
Me and my stupidity.
Thank you, Johnny for letting our friends know that I hadn’t already “bitten the big one”.
I didn’t have computer access on “The Mile” or I would have already written myself.
I love you all very much and I just wish I weren’t so fucked up.
Thanks for all the good thoughts and messages.