Chick Thread #1 - Wordless Gospel
As I mentioned in another post, my best friend, as a gag gift, gave me a box of 150 or so Chick Tracts (including some out-of-print ones and some foreign ones (which are truly bizarre). I’m gonna do posts on 'em until I get bored.
The first one I wanna deal with is something called The Silent Gospel: it’s a wordless picture book for the backward savages (judging by the artwork) of New Guinea.
I can just see a plane loaded with these, dropping 'em all over the island. It’s so poorly done that without a knowledge of Christianity, the story becomes bizarre gibberish. (not that knowledge of Christianity helps, really)
Let’s pretend that we are the backward savages of New Guinea who’ve never heard of Christ and see how we interpret the Wordless Gospel
The cover shows a bunch of tie-wearing natives peeking through bamboo(?) at a figure in the distance. They’re armed and dangerous and not gonna take it any more!
Page 1: The backwards savages of New Guinea (who, inexplicably wear skirts and ties, but no shirts) capture a noble white man (who also wears no shirt. I also feel compelled to point out that no-one has nipples. This is significant. I’m sure of it.) They force him at arrowpoint into the village.
Page 2: The local shaman (he wears a beret along with a tie and skirt) has his hands in a “siddown” position, while his though/word balloon shows a picture of two slope-browed savages with arrows.) In the next panel, Our White Hero in his thought/word balloon tells the locals to kneel.
Page 3: They do. Our White Hero starts talking and begins to tell his story: On a cloud, or maybe a rock cliff. Or a large sheep. But on something stands The Man In A Dress. Next to The Man In A Dress is Glowing No-Face-Guy. Take a manikin, erase all features, but leave it humanoid and put a 40-watt bulb inside. He stands next to DressMan throughout, but does nothing but remains on the back of the sheep next to DressMan. There’s also, if you look REAAAAALLLLL close a tiny white bird, perhaps a dove, maybe a chicken flying around. These three will be our main focus.
**Page 4: ** DressMan throws some stars, a sun and a crescent moon off the back of the sheep. (Why a crescent moon? There’s nothing to eclipse it. It’s bigger than the damned sun!). Then he throws a tree into a desert. It becomes obvious that the sheep is, in fact a cloud.
Page 5: DressMan throws a human off the cloud and into the desert so hard that the poor guy is actually buried in the sand up to his waist! Fear DressMan, GlowGuy and the Bird for they are vengeful and angry! After digging himself out of the sand, the guy reaches up to DressMan, wanting go return to the back of the cloud. DressMan reaches down, apparently sorry for throwing the guy off. (Note that the guy is a savage New Guinean while DressMan is Caucasian. This is relevant too, somehow).
Page 6: DressMan, GlowGuy and the Bird watch as the guy sees SmokeMan, who’s just appeared (he’s sort of like GlowGuy, only instead of having a 40-watt bulb inside, he’s got thick black smoke. And he either has horns or Spock ears. SmokeMan holds out his arms as if to say “I’d never throw you off a cloud. C’mere and let me give you a hug.” The guy runs to SmokeMan, and now, of course, DressMan and GlowGuy are upset and on their knees (but still on the cloud).
Page 7: Our hero “salaams” in front of SmokeGuy. DressMan and GlowGuy are pissed. Images of our hero protecting himself from others (stabbing them with spears and suchlike) all revolving around SmokeGuy fill his head.
Page 8: Our hero, who’s grown a beard, cuts his wrists and lets SHOCKING RED BLOOD into a bowl which he offers (on his knees, yet) to DressMan, GlowGuy and the Bird as SmokeGuy laughs. Apparently even this isn’t enough as DressMan holds out his hand looking for all the world like a white Diana Ross impersonator doing “Stop! In the Name of Love!”. Will nothing satisfy DressMan? SmokeGuy gives hugs, but nothing, not even blood can appease DressMan!
Page 9: GlowGuy finally does something. He tells DressMan to jump off the cloud and land on top of a woman who’s prostrating herself. He does (The Bird goes with him).
Page 10: There’s a tremendous explosion around the woman. In the next panel, her top half is a woman holding a baby, but mermaid-like, her bottom half is an arrow in front of a kid and DressMan. This is surreal.
Page 11: SmokeGuy tells a bunch of natives to put DressMan on a big wooden + sign. They do and he bleeds rivers of SHOCKING RED BLOOD all over. SmokeGuy laughs. He’s so perky! Much more fun to be with than DressMan.
Page 12: They carry the now-sleeping DressMan to a cave (Hey, slitting his wrists didn’t kill the guy who offered a bowl of blood to DressMan and GlowGuy, so you have to assume he’s sleeping.) But, “Cask of Amontillado”-like, they toss him into a cave and roll a boulder in front of the opening. This strikes me as being a remarkably good idea. Sneer at us from clouds, will he?
Page 13: DressMan has, for some reason, set himself on fire and with the desperate strength that comes from being burned alive, shoves the rock aside and GlowGuy brings him back to the Cloud.
Page 14: SmokeGuy shakes his fist at GlowGuy and DressMan. The story stops as the White Guy (remember him? Wearing shorts, no nipples? Captured back on page 1?) holds up his hands up and pints at both SmokeGuy and DressMan. He’s indicating to the tie-wearing natives that they have a choice: SmokeGuy, holding out his arms to give them big hugs, or DressMan nailed to the big +, looking pissed. The tie-wearing savages point straight up.
Page 15: Unfortunately, the picture of DressMan on the + was right above where they were pointing and now White Guy’s word balloon is raining a deluge of SHOCKING RED BLOOD all over them so hard they’re driven to their knees! White guy kneels with the savages and they smile at each other. Nothing like shared hardship to bring diverse cultures together, eh?
Page 16: White Guy leaves. The tie-wearing savages kneel and get another shower of SHOCKING RED BLOOD all over them from DressMan. Is this gonna happen every time we bend over? But wait! Behind all the SHOCKING RED BLOOD is a non-tie-wearing savage pointing an arrow at them!
Page 17: The tie-wearing tribe is murdered. THIS is the consequence of getting bled upon by DressMan??? In the next panel, a duplicate set of bodies sit up (while the original set lays there looking like a shish-kabob party gone horribly wrong…but not bleeding).
Page 18: The White Guy has grown wings and flies the duplicate dead tie-wearing savages up to the Cloud where they can be with DressMan, GlowGuy and the Bird while their carcasses rot in the desert (wait…weren’t they in a jungle before? ARE there deserts in New Guinea? What’s going on? Has DressMan’s blood destroyed the lush rainforest?).
Page 19: All the duplicate dead people hug DressMan, who just stands there. He doesn’t hug back or anything. What an unfeeling jerk! GlowGuy and the Bird stay aloof. Back on Earth, the rainforest is back and non-tie wearing savage shows the prowess with a bow that let him slaughter an entire village: he sees a boar and drops his bow.
Page 20: The boar charges. Non-tie wearing savage lays on the ground bleeding SHOCKING RED BLOOD and the winged version of White Guy creates a duplicate of Non-tie-wearing savage for SmokeMan.
Page 21: Winged White Guy flies the doppelganger down to a firepit and throws non-tie-wearing savage in. Someone already in the pit gives a wave of “Hello!”. It’s already proving to be a friendlier place than the back of the Cloud!
Page 22: A giant SmokeGuy has a huge grin and is holding his arms out for all of us to come to him to get a big hug. Meanwhile, a grim DressMan holds out his hands down and to the sides, palm out as if to say “I’m broke! See? No money!”. The murdered tie-wearing savages stand behind him in the same position. They’re broke too.
Join SmokeGuy for hugs or be with GlowGuy, DressMan and the Bird, unemployed…in Cloudland.
I think the choice is clear.
:: shakes head ::
How in the world is this supposed to convince someone to convert. It’s scary, cryptic and very, very unfriendly. I’d ask “What the hell is Chick thinking?” but I’m afraid I know the answer.
Fenris
:mad: 