I know you guys already sorted it out, but I just wanted to say, why on earth would you cut out the rest of his statement and call him on the part you decided to leave?
(bolding mine)
Well, from your step daughter’s point of view, it might look that way.
Try phrasing it as it might appear from her point of view.
“I tried to help out by changing the baby’s diaper BEFORE I WAS ASKED. And all that hateful bitch could do was complain about how I snapped the snaps and swear at me.” :dubious:
Look, I don’t want to flame you. I have two teenagers of my own. They can be difficult, to say the least. But it doesn’t sound to me like there is anybody here who is blameless in this admittedly very difficult situation.
I don’t really think you should try to buddy up with her. Not for a few years, at least. But it sounds (based on your post) that part of the problem is that you and she do not agree on what she should be doing, when she should be doing it, and how it has to be done. Even when she is making an effort, there is enough resentment built up so that it isn’t good enough and leads to arguments.
You need to negotiate some concrete, measurable rules that you both need to live by. And they have to be pretty damn specific. Not “treat me with respect” - more like “clean everything off the floor of your room once per week. Do your own laundry. Don’t bring up the past.” And it is going to have to include stuff you have to do as well as her. Then concentrate on those things.
Pick your battles. And, to be frank, you have started pretty late with all this.
Good luck, you are going to need it.
Regards,
Shodan
Does she know that you had a stepmother with whom you didn’t get along? It might be a useful piece of background to share with her, if not. But don’t say it like it should mean you know everything there is to know about her experience with you.
Nobody can ever know everything there is to know about another person’s experiences and feelings, because every person is different. Two people can experience the exact same situation in very different ways, colored by their personalities and their life experiences.
One thing you need not forget Cruel Butterfly -is that to some teens taking an innocent, normal tone with them can only serve to infuriate them more. I know when I am upset and the other person is calm and collected I usually get more upset. And I’m a 35 year old male.
You escalated yourself - in the situation you described - into a fit.
Step daughter 1
Step mom Zilch.
I’ve found with teens if I don’t try to rule them and respect their positions i.e. entering puberty, finding the other sex, dealing with a dipshit teacher, school, bullys, the bus, going out, holding hands… Thats a lot for one person, and teens have to deal with it for several years until they find out they have a voice…
I’m not saying you are wrong, but you need to step in her shoes for a while…
Sounds like you’re going through an awful situation… Your husband is totally wrong for not backing you up.
I have a question though. Why is she living with you and your husband and not her mother?
All due respect, but you guys are totally missing the point. For one thing, I did not yell at her. For another, I did not demand that she do something in addition to the diaper change; dressing a baby is the final step in said diaper change. Contrary to what Anne Neville said, I was not criticizing her performance in changing the diaper. The whole incident I described was just the most recent example of what goes on all. the. time at my house.
Honestly, if any of you had to put yourselves in my shoes, participate in the life of a teenager to whom you have no biological connection and who has offered nothing but resistance to any kind of affection or friendship or, at the very least, mutual understanding, then sit idly by while she spits in your face, I seriously doubt any of you would’ve been able to keep from reacting in the same way I did.
Forget for a moment that she changed a measly diaper. Let’s flashback to the time I asked her to remove her shoes from on top of the dinner table. That seems reasonable enough, huh? She didn’t do that either.
Should I have said, “I know your hormones are going crazy, and I know that some girl at school said something really ugly to you today, and I understand that you’re having a bad hair day, SweetiePieAngelMuffin, and I appreciate that you took the time to lay your shoes on top of the surface that we use for dinner, but could you please move them off the table so everyone in the house can enjoy their dinner too?”?
For chrissakes, she’s not a toddler! That sounds like advice I can find in Parents magazine in dealing with a two-year-old who can’t share. She is two years away from being legally responsible for her own decisions and bad judgment calls. Is it so wrong of me to try to impress upon her that in Real Life, we are required to finish what we start? Am I being that unreasonable to require that of her when she is living in my house? How will she handle it when a professor gives her a “D” on an assignment because she failed to finish it? How dare he criticize her! Or what happens when she gets fired from her job because she consistently leaves things unfinished? Her supervisor is an a**hole!
This “not-finishing-things” is a recurring theme in her life. She doesn’t finish her homework. She doesn’t finish doing the dishes when it’s her turn. She doesn’t finish her laundry, and leaves wet clothes draped over anything that will sit still. She can’t finish a grading period at school without totally dropping the ball and ending up with bad grades. She can’t finish cleaning her room. It goes on and on and on.
And I am not quite the hard-core authoritative figure most of you think you’re talking to. For the most part, I let things slide. I sit back and observe her interaction with her dad and other members of our extended family. Once in a while, I might chime in with something I deem pertinent to whatever conversation is going on. Believe me, if you knew her the way her father and I know her, you wouldn’t be so quick to come to her defense.
In addition to all of this, she is a horrible example-setter for my eight-year-old; a lot of his smart-ass comments come directly from her mouth. How do I compete with his “cool” older sister? My eight-year-old is being groomed to be just as much of a brat as she is. In turn, he will play influence to my one-year-old unless I nip it in the bud.
What is so wrong with that?
As I have said before, I did not throw a fit. I did not scream at her. I did not say “fuck” to her. I said “fuck” to her dad to get the point across to him that she was being incredibly defiant. I uttered some profanities once I got into the kitchen. Never never never in any part of the incident did I ever direct any palpable anger at her. My voice remained calm, if a little elevated. But calm.
What happened is the result of 1,825 days of my life spent wondering if maybe today’s the day that she will come around. Maybe today’s the day that she will realize all the things I do for her and never get any reciprocation. Maybe today, her dad will actually stick up for me if she challenges me or insults me.
But my days go on and on with no such validation. From either of them. So maybe today, I’ll just crawl underneath the covers and hope that tomorrow is the day I have been looking forward to for five years.
You won’t see me defending her. She is a spoiled bratty bitch.
When her shoes were on the table, I would have said “remove them, or I will.” And if she didn’t do it, in the trash they would go.
If she leaves laundry undone and wet clothes hanging around, take all her clothes, put them into a garbage bag and put them on her bed. She’ll learn her lesson when her favorite outfit gets moldy.
When she ignored your request to finish dressing the baby, I would have taken the remote, turned off the TV, told her she could not watch your television until she does what she was asked. If she still does not cooperate, tell her OK then, no TV for a week. Take a stand! Stop being so nice.
I really really really wish I could. It just feels so unnatural for me to so anything that isn’t completely benevolent for another person.
I admit it, I am a Nice Person To Whom Bad People Happen.
I don’t think that anyone is really coming to her defense. I think that your (justified) emotions are coloring how you are seeing what some of us are trying to say. I wish that my step-parents spent half as much time agonizing over how to work with me as you seem to be doing with your step-kid. Your concern about how this will affect your eight year old is a very valid one too.
My point is that you signed up for a shitty and thankless job and now you have to do it. It’s unfair, like many things in life are unfair, but the best thing you can do, in my opinion is just deal with it. Right now, there is nothing that you can do that will make step-kid like you. It’s a shame that your husband isn’t supporting you but that’s not her fault.
I am a very recently divorced and I hope to find a new partner some day. The very thought of being a step-dad scares the shit out of me.
I’ve had a couple of step-dads as well as my one step-mom, and from my point of view, step-dads are much better than step-moms. But, then again, I’m a girl. I guess a girl doesn’t have to “compete” with a new guy in her mom’s life as much as a new woman in her dad’s life.
No, you’re a target for abuse. You’re not doing yourself or your family any good with this “nice, benevolent saint” attitude.
What you’re doing now isn’t working. If you really want things to change, you need to change your approach.
In fact, the benevolent thing to do for the girl and for the family would be to be firm up and teach her some maturity and responsibility.
By the way, you never answered the question about why she lives with you and not her mother… I am curious.
In the words of her father, her mother isn’t capable or willing to monitor schoolwork and social mischeif quite as well as Dad. So she has to be with us so she can be miserable and harped on constantly by her father so that when I come along out of the blue to ask her to do a simple thing, I can become her victim.
From someone who has been a stepparent to teenagers. Ask yourself if the snapped up outfit or the shoes on the table will matter a year from now. If the answer is ‘no’ then let it go. Do you love your husband? Then how do you justify putting him in the middle? And one more thing from the parent of biological kids that were stepparented–the minute you start in on my kid is the same minute I will pull out all stops to defend him cause that’s just human nature. And I will resent you for it because I would be so much better at disciplining my child if I didn’t think you were hovering in the background deriving waay too much satisfaction out of it. That being said, biological or not all children go through phases where they think of little else but themselves. This is usually between the ages of 13 and 17 approximately. Mine went through it. I chose my battles and they were few and far between. My children are now grown up responsible adults whom I couldn’t be prouder of. (Except for the 12 yo who is a doll, but sometimes leaves her shoes in the wrong place and has to be reminded to do her homework, all of which worries me not at all) If your husband is really such a great guy, why ruin the marriage over a seemingly perfectly normal kid? Quit taking it personally… she probably doesn’t jump at commands from her real mother either.
This is going to sound harsh, but seriously, if you talk to your stepdaughter like this? It wouldn’t be any wonder if you got lots of resentment and eyerolling.
You seem to be trying to come off as saintly. You’re not a saint. Of course you do things that aren’t “completely benevolent.” No human beings are completely benevolent.
Playing the martyr is an ineffective tactic with teenagers. My mother liked to slip a little martyrdom in on occasion, and it was usually met with giggles. It still is, actually.
She knows. She has met the woman. My “stepmother” is no longer married to my dad, but she was for 15 years or so. I have a couple of half-sisters because of their marriage.
Things between me and my stepmom are…chilly. She maintains a strong relationship with my brother (who is my full biological sibling), but has very little regard for me. I swear I was not a bad kid. If anything, I was scolded for being too quiet and acquiescent. I was not a smart-ass; I saved that for my real mom.
To this day, I’m not sure why I don’t have a good relationship with her and my brother does. What’s weird is that my brother went through a time in his life when he couldn’t stand our stepmom. The two of them were like oil and water. I don’t remember actually hating her; I resented her from time to time for making me do my own laundry and pull weeds on Saturday mornings. Now, she and my brother the best of friends…
My stepdaughter has no idea what kind of person I am. She has no idea that I might feel bad about saying or thinking some of the things I say or think. But she does know that I am all about the kindnesses that we can do for others and the compassion I feel is lacking in this world because I talk about it all the time. If that makes me a martyr, I guess I’m a martyr. I don’t see anything wrong with trying to give your kids every opportunity to put a little more understanding and tolerance into their future world.
I am not playing the “martyr” to her. I’m just offering a little insight to you guys that might make it clearer why I have such a hard time dealing with her attitude.
Hmmm. My kids are old enough to do much around the house yet, so we really haven’t hit this sort of issue, except with homework.
I do have a slightly different take on it, though. Imagining it from her perspective: She’s spontaneously changed her brother’s diaper–not a perfect job, but she did the important part, and she’s a teenager(?), not Mary Poppins. Instead of saying, “Thanks for changing the diaper, Heather” and letting it go at that, you point out the less than perfect job she did. I’m personally pretty ticked off when I do something extra a get critiqued on it, instead of thanked.
It’s your rope, so you know where it ends, but this doesn’t sound like a battle I would have picked.
I am not a parent, let alone a step-parent, but this strikes me as WAY off-base. Very few small acts will matter in a year, but what DOES matter is a continuing pattern of disrespect and defiance, all expressed through small acts like shoes on the dinner table and a baby crawling around with a flappy outfit. If she lets go on all these small things, it adds up to a whole lot of disrespect that, from the kid’s point of view, is perfectly acceptable since her stepmom isn’t doing anything about it.
Anyway, I agree with nyctea scandiaca. What you’re doing isn’t working. It’s time to toughen up yourself and create consequences for her actions. Mildewy laundry and trashed shoes will help get your point across.
My mom would let me and my siblings go to bed and fall asleep on days when we hadn’t finished our expected chores, and would then wake us up and make us do them. (This was her most desperate last resort, after lots of reminders and lists and so forth). Let me tell you, that was one effective technique. She only had to do that once with me, and a couple of times on my brother.
I sincerely doubt that. Her assessment of you might not match your assessment of you, of course, but we all have that.
You’ve said she’s abusive. How is she abusive? She sounds sullen and uncooperative, but I don’t think anyone would call that abusive, so there must be more.