[Dr. Phil]
Well, how’s that working out for you so far?
[/Dr. Phil]
Like I said before, what you’re doing now isn’t working. If you really want things to change, you need to change your approach.
As a former teenager myself, I know that you can’t deal with teens rationally. You’re the parent, you’re the adult, and if she is causing you trouble, you need to step up and BE A PARENT. That means being tough sometimes. You are doing her no favors by spoiling her (it IS spoiling her to allow her to get away with that behavior).
You’re “I’m just too nice” attitude is just an invitation for abuse. You might as well have a target painted on your forehead.
Oh come on now Cruel Butterfly - Do you think that when you went into the kitchen and spoke with your husband she didn’t hear you, or knew you were aggitated at her? Of course she did. Just because you release your anger to your husband doesn’t mean she doesn’t know it is really meant for her. I’m sure you know that though.
Have you said this to her in words, or do you just expect her to have somehow picked it up? If it’s the former, then I’m totally with you.
If it’s the latter, some of us need to be told these things explicitly. I’m a verbal learner- if someone shows me how to do something, and then I try to do it myself, I will probably not do a very good job of it. But if someone tells me how to do something, then I’m more likely to be able to do it.
I meant that you were focussing exclusively on what she did wrong, not on what she did right. If she does something wrong (like putting her shoes on the table), call her on it. If she does something right and something wrong, you should mention both, not just what she did wrong. If she does something right, say so.
It sounds like she’s doing something similar to you. She doesn’t say anything when you clean the house, but she does point out the spots you missed to you. You don’t like that, and she probably doesn’t like it when you seemingly ignore that she changed the baby’s diaper and point out that she didn’t snap up his suit.
You probably need to tell her that you want and expect some recognition of the things you do for her (in a calm, non-accusatory way). Telling people we appreciate what they do doesn’t come naturally to some of us. It doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate it, but telling the person that we appreciate something is not an instinctive reaction for some of us. I’m shy, and I was even shyer as a teenager. I hated it when people fussed over me for doing something- the ideal for me would have been for them to say nothing, and I assumed other people felt the same way. It took me a while to figure out that other people do like to be what I would consider “fussed over”, and to train myself to do it.
I wasn’t pointing out the “less than perfect” job she did. I, of all people, have no right to expect perfection, and I recognize that. It wasn’t a plea for perfection. All I did was ask her if she wouldn’t mind snapping the outfit. I, in no way, suggested that she did an imperfect job changing a diaper. I didn’t say, “You know, if you’re going to change his diaper voluntarily, it would be nice if you could at least dress him again.”
If she is truly upset about that, then she’s thinking like a third-grader, not a Junior in high school. And I wouldn’t know how to deal with that intellect unless it’s my son, who is in the third grade.
I couldn’t care less what the actual incident was. It’s her pattern of deliberate, personal defiance that she directs at me to the exclusion of everyone else. What I have chosen as a battle is a continuing effort to help her recognize that (a) I have a distinct place in this household, and (b) it’s important for her in the future that she learns how to finish a task.
She refuses to understand that, and after the amount of time and effort and tears and frustration I have endured because of it, I now know that the battle is unwinnable.
She has never been open enough to allow me to “befriend” her. She balks at any kind of affectionate gesture. Basically, she has shut me out. Sadly, I might’ve been able to steer her in a better direction if she hadn’t harbored such undeserved resentment for me. I know one day, her brain will fully mature as mine did, and she will have kids (and maybe stepkids) of her own. Then, who knows what she might remember…
Is there any way you can catch her gliding through the house pointing out areas that need to be addressed with the vacuum cleaner or furniture that needs to be dusted on tape to show your husband? One thing that strikes me is, you’re trying to win her respect, which hasn’t worked so far. I’m guessing that she’s acting the way she is because she sees you as a rival, either for her mother’s place, or for her place in her father’s heart. (Or both?) It may be too late for a change of tactics, but maybe acting as if she will give you the respect you deserve, no nonsense, no exceptions, no wiggle room (on most things) would be a better approach? It would require your husband’s complete support to do, and I’m not sure of just how you’d go about doing it. Good luck in any case, you’re in a difficult position and I hope you do get some resolution soon. A family counselor could probably help you and your husband to get on the same page and deal with this as a couple.
So you’re just going to give up and let her win without trying to take a tougher stance? Why?
I felt a lot of sympathy for you - at first. Now it seems you just want to bemoan your situation but don’t want to do anything to change it. If you’re not willing to do any work to make things better, then I won’t feel sorry for you anymore.
She probably was thinking like a third-grader. I know I do sometimes. That’s not an excuse for a constant pattern of disrespect, though.
I’ve just been trying to get ouf of a pattern of focusing more on the negative than the positive with my kids. It was mostly due to time strain this summer, but it’s really easy for me to forget sometimes.
I’m not really in your position, though. Im not a stay-at-home mom, my husband and I run things pretty much the same way and my oldest is in third grade, so the rebellions haven’t gone much beyond a little pouting. (She is going to be a handful later, though, which is why I almost always read threads like this.)
I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you need, especially from your husband. I really admire stepparents who are willing to put in the effort.
I’m not bemoaning my situation. I’ve been told over and over in this thread about how I should’ve thanked her and expected nothing more. Instead, I apparently handled the situation as badly as I could have, according to some.
It doesn’t seem to matter to anyone except me that it’s a pattern of disrespect; it’s not just one freaking incident that I am complaining about.
Honestly, I don’t know how to be tough. She isn’t my teenager. Perhaps if I had given birth to her or if I had become involved in her life when she was a toddler, I might have a better handle on it. But alas, she was 11 when I met her, and it’s gone downhill from there. Seems I was beaten before I ever started.
I’d like to tally up the current situation: one stepdaughter who doesn’t care whether she makes me miserable + one father who apparently doesn’t see the need to help correct that + one stepmother who is unable to stand up for herself = unwinnable conflict
Obvously, you’re in a difficult, painful situation. Your pain is a reward to step-daughter, and she’s unlikely to change for the time being. My practical suggestion is that you decide to stop letting her get to you so much. Find some humor in the situation. If she points out housekeeping oversights, say “Thank you, Martha Stewart.” Say it every time. It will start to drive her nuts. When she’s disrespectful, roll your eyes and say something like, “The queen has spoken”. Again, say it every time. Laugh at her nastiness, with the unspoken message, “What can you expect from a child?” Once she learns she can’t get to you, there’ll be less reason for her to try.
So you two were in the living room, with the baby at your feet. You notice that his snaps were unbuttoned. Here’s the dialogue:
So I’m picturing you in the corner, a little martinet, a drill sargeant, eyes bulging and veins in your forehead swollen. She’s sitting there trying to ignore you.
I think you handled this all wrong. You think she’s a little bitch, and it shows. You don’t treat her like you would treat any other quasi-adult. She’s sixteen, not three years old. Think about how you would handle the same situation if someone you actually cared about had been in the room with you and had neglected to snap the buttons.
For example, between me and my husband it would go like this:
Notice the difference? No one is rushing out of the room to curse, no one is ignoring the other person, and the baby’s outfit gets snapped together.
The difference is that I’m not trying to make him bend to my will and he’s not getting offended because of it. You seem to be trying to make her “know her place” in the family as someone subordinate to you. I see that not only in your conversation with her but your attendant comments about how she is a child and should obey you. This is causing conflict between you, of course, because no one wants to be forced around by someone else.
So you can either spend all your time and effort MAKING her do things because galdarnit she’s a child and you’re an adult and she must do everything you say RIGHT NOW – or, you can treat her reasonably and not flip out. Your blood pressure may benefit also.
I haven’t seen anyone suggesting that you should’ve thanked her and expected nothing more. People have said that you should have acknowledged the positive as well as the negative. As in, “Thanks for changing his diaper. Could you please also do up the snaps on his suit?” If she ignores you, then you go into the “do it now” routine. But the first stage is important. And honestly, it doesn’t matter if she changed the diaper because “she changes his diapers so she can wrap herself up in a hug and congratulate herself for being ‘such a good person,’” as you said earlier. She did something helpful. You would like her to continue to do helpful things. You cannot get her to continue to do helpful things if you never acknowledge that she has done them. Who cares why she does it? Let her spend her nights writing in her diary what a horrible person you are and how wonderful she is, as long as she does what you want.
What I hear from you right now suggests that she will never ever be good enough for you, because whenever anyone points out anything positive about her behavior, or anything that you might want to change in your own, you go into the “don’t you understand how oppressed I am?” routine.
You cannot get her to respect you except by acting worthy of respect, and even that’s no guarantee. You can make her behave respectfully to you. There have been a number of good suggestions here on how to do it. One thing to realize is that teenagers are a lot like toddlers in a number of ways. They’re headstrong, they’re dumb, they throw tantrums. You can’t trust them to act like responsible, sensible adults a lot of the time. And the controls that work on toddlers - absolute, consistent limits - work reasonably well on them. There are a number of tools in this book that you may find helpful.
Looking over your responses, maybe you don’t want any advice, and you just want to vent your annoyance. If so, you might have been better off in the pit. But people here are trying to help, and you’re effectively saying “wah wah wah I can’t hear you.” Sound like anyone else you know?
She would never have admitted to having forgotten. She wouldn’t have listened to me if I told her that the outfit could get dirty. She wouldn’t have apologized. And she would not remember next time.
You’re right. I’ve learned my lesson. Next time I’ll just do it myself, but I’ll skip the gentle reminder part.
It may seem as though I am only finding the negative to talk about where she is concerned. There are some positive things about her. I remind her of those attributes whenever I can, and I praise her constantly for all sorts of good things that she does. If she figures out an algebra problem on her own without heavy involvement from anyone, I recognize that verbally. When her hair or her make-up look great, I tell her. If she does a good job on the dishes, I mention it to her.
I have tried my absolute best with what I have to work with to be a good and positive presence in her life.
Before I became involved with her dad, I was raising one 3-year-old boy. Then one day, I meet this wonderful guy who has an 11-year-old daughter. I meet her. He meets my son. We all hit it off. His daughter thought I was cool. We really got along well.
Things started to go south as she entered puberty and everything, and I totally get that. I went through it too. I know it’s tough. I know that girls are supposed to be moody and manic and imbalanced. I expected her to experience all of it. But I think it’s a cop-out for someone to say, “well, she’s a teenager. what do you expect?” every time a teenager exhibits a character flaw. Isn’t it parents-work to try their best to raise people who will have a positive effect on the world around them? Where is the accountability if there is a blanket statement to fall back on at any time?
“Being a teenager” shouldn’t exempt someone from being at least polite to Her Dad’s Wife. I am polite to her. I say “excuse me” if I bump into her. I say “bless you” when she sneezes. I say “please” and “thank you.” Do I forget to sometimes? Sure. And I don’t expect her to remember every single time either. She can’t bring herself to reciprocate, EVER.
In no other situation was this as evident as it was in The Diaper Incident.
Whenever someone gives me a glowing compliment on my son, I thank them sincerely, then I say, with a bit of a gleam in my eye, “It’s not easy raising a good Prom date, a suitable husband, and a responsible citizen all at once.” Although I say that with tongue in cheek, I really believe that these things are what I am working toward with my son.
I think somebody along the way dropped the ball where my stepdaughter is concerned. No one thought about what she would grow up to be. Everyone probably figured that as long as she was quiet and didn’t get into everything, she would be alright. She has been done a great disservice, I feel. Now, she is someone I look at with a combination of fresh resentment and sad pity. I wonder what kind of wife she will be. I wonder what kind of mother she will be. I worry that if someone doesn’t do something to open her eyes, she will go through life one disappointment or failure at a time, and she may never know why her life sucks.
So whether she refused to dress my son or left her shoes on the dinner table…individually, these little things are just as they have been described here: little and insignificant. But pile them all up together, and you end up with overwhelmingly strong evidence that she is blind to the world that is outside of her arm’s reach. I went into this blended family with my eyes wide open. Now, it feels like I am being slowly eroded away by the increasingly common friction. My sanity, as someone posted and I am paraphrasing, is more important than this.
What I’m seeing as the real issue here is your husband’s refusal to stand with you as a united front. And his daughter sees that, too. Your husband needs to understand that when you’re married to someone, you put THEIR happiness first, even over your children’s. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder, and all that. I’ve never been part of a step-family, but I have spoken to three marraige counselors about this exact situation, marraige counselors that I know as friends. They’ve all told me that this is exactly why 70% of step-families fail and divorce happens. One partner doesn’t understand that the people that are married MUST be united before the children. And deep down, no child really wants to come first and be responsible for everyone’s happiness. Children feel more secure when they know what’s expected of them by both parents, and know that the parents are together in all issues. I’d suggest counselling NOW so that your husband my learn this concept before things disintegrate further.
I have this exact situation with my current spouse. It was very hard the first time we had a confilct and I had to take a stand and support her. It is hard—I love my daughter, but I also love my spouse. You have to be a solid front to this girl. Luckily we also have the support of my ex — my poor daughter doesn’t realize that all three of the adults in her life are there to make sure she follows the straight and narrow!
But I think it is important that my spouse understands that although I may not agree with the decision—at that moment in time I will stand by her. Doesn’t mean that afterwards we don’t have a huge discussion and disagreement. But to my daughter we show a united front. And it is the same with my ex–she and I may disagree on many things–but to my daughter she and I are on the same page.
sorry to me it sounds like your issue is with your husband. Tell him to grow a set and stand united. I agree 101% with trublmakr
I’m on your side. She was way out of line, and did not deserve to be thanked - she deserved to have TV privileges taken away.
It matters to me - I recognize it’s a pattern. And her father is doing nothing to help stop it or defend you. If they aren’t going to freely respect you in your own home, then you have to demand respect! You have the absolute right to be respected in your home.
She IS your teenager! She lives with you, right? Under your roof? You feed her and care for her right? Then she is your responsibility and you have all the right in the world to be a parent to her. And when a child gets out of control, like she is, it’s your duty as parent to get tough.
I also think your husband is the culprit just as much as she is. He MUST get on board with you and start providing some discipline to that rotten litte brat.
I just moved in with my boyfriend, and he has 3 children, ages 5, 7 and 9. They are not with us full time. This is the first time in my life I have ever taken the role of “step parent” to children. I have made it clear to my boyfriend and the kids that this is MY house and that we have rules. I always back up my boyfriend, and he always backs me up. So far the kids are adjusting to me well, but I decided before I moved in that in order to establish a role of authority in their lives, I had to be tough - because if they’re in my house, then they are my responsibility. Thankfully I haven’t had to be tough yet.
I feel for you, I really do. In part because I went through a stage when I was 15 and 16 when I was a rotten spoiled bitch to my parents, and as an adult now, I really regret my behavior in hindsight. I know now that what I needed was someone to be tough with me.
Just remember you DESERVE respect. Don’t let them walk all over you!
Your past has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship with your step-daughter.
You do seem to have quite the Martyr Complex going on here. No one can take advantage of you without your consent. You’re not a victim, although you do seem to be playing one in this thread. One thing you have absolutely right, though, is that your husband should be backing you up unconditionally and presenting a united front with you to all the children.
In my opinion, you and your husband should set the rules in your house, follow those consistently, and let the small stuff slide.
I would strongly recommend counselling for you, Butterfly, with or without your husband. You can’t change other people, but you can change how you respond to them, and the dance you’re doing with your step-daughter obviously isn’t working for you.
People in this thread are not attacking you, but they aren’t all agreeing with you that you are the victim here (and I am not, either). Maybe there is some truth here that you aren’t very comfortable looking at.
Neither does the fact that I am someone’s granddaughter, but you didn’t single that one out. Why?
I am aware that I give consent. Every time something like this happens, I totally beat myself up later for letting her get to me. Does that mean that if I ignore her, she’ll stop doing (or not doing) bratty things? Or will she continue, and I just have to train myself to not notice it so much?
Agreed.
I need counseling because she is an out-of-control, rude, bratty teenager? That’s what my husband tells me. It’s really convenient for letting himself off the hook. All he has to do is think of me as a raging, hormonal lunatic, and the responsibility he shares for this situation vanishes into thin air.
What truth? The truth about how I tend to lose my temper too quickly sometimes? Or the truth that sometimes I don’t approach a problem with all the rationality I should? Crap, I guess that makes me human.
I know I’m not being attacked here, and it’s okay if everyone doesn’t agree with me. That’s not what I’m after.
No, you might benefit from counselling because you are angry and miserable and feeling powerless.
Perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned in life is that a change in my attitude can make a change in my world.