Hey Oscar (TM), can I borrow your sword?

The BBQ Pit
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Well, it’s almost that time of the year again. Yup, The Oscarssup[/sup] are coming to television.
Hey, I love the awards show; I like seeing the celebrities and all the other stuff that I’m sure targets me as a conspicuous consumer in post-Clinton America.

But…

It’s also the time of the “Joan and Melissa Rivers Telethon for The Terminally Talentless”, otherwise known as the “E” pre-show show. It was bad enough when it was just Joan Rivers (a woman who was funny once, back before she made Rabbit Test but who has become increasingly vitriolic and spiteful as she’s grown older.)
But now we have her daughter Melissa, which I guess proves that lack of talent can be inherited also. What can we say about this woman, who looks like Mr. Ed’s love child, and spends a lot of her life demonstrating her stupidity on TV. ( I was going to say that she probably couldn’t get laid on Death Row with a fist full of pardons, but apparently she is either with child or has just given birth. Oh the humanity of it).

Hearing and seeing this pair of liposuctioned, face-lifted, poorly-dressed, ill-spoken harridans deconstructing the “dress sense” of some star or starlet could be funny as a 5 minute sketch on a TV show. But it seems to have become a feature of modern life; heck, even some of the magazines are running “Joan Rivers’ Fashion Scene” columns because of the success of her TV commentaries.
But I don’t get it. She is stupid, she has no insight, and her “in-depth commentary” seems to mostly consist of fake gagging or saying “oh puhleeez” in an accent that would make Fran Drescher wince. It’s obvious that the pair of them do no homework or preparation for the show (“Oh Mr Hanks, were you in a movie this year”).
Hey, I get it – maybe the Acadamy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences puts the pair of them out there to remind the current stars of the possible future – sort of the “Ghosts of Careers yet to come”. Heck, I’d sign almost any contract to ensure I didn’t end up like this pair!

At work, in the media and just in general conversation, I am reminded of this great American commentator. I know I don’t have to watch her. I don’t have to shave my nuts with a rusty razor either, and I try not to do that.

Or is it just me?

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Talentless, unfunny people in the entertainment industry being paid large sums of money for showcasing their stupidity? Shocking.

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Joan Rivers…AAAAAAAAGH!!! The sad thing is that once upon a time, I enjoyed the pre-Oscar show (and various other pre-awards shows on E!) It was a chance to see the stars in a more relaxed setting, see a little of their personalities, and maybe hear from a few who weren’t nominated.

Than came Joan. Now I have to go out of my way to AVOID any pre-shows because she is so horrifyingly painful to watch. The thing that disturbs me most about her is her complete and total lack of preparation for her job. The Oscars are ONCE A YEAR. How difficult would it be to read at least a short bio of each nominee? How difficult would it be to find out a LITTLE something about the show you will be covering?

I cringe every time she asks someone who has won two Oscars whether they’ve ever been nominated before. I groan when she asks half of a divorced couple how his or her partner is doing (wanna bet she asks Tom, “Where’s Nicole tonight?”) I scream when she asks the star of a much-publicized new movie what he’s been doing lately.

My nightmare is that this year she will ask Dame Judi Dench, whose husband of 30 years died in January, whether she is married.

And Melissa Rivers is proof that cluelessness, obnoxiousness, and bad taste are hereditary.