Hi, my name is Steve, and I am a Straight Dope Virgin…
So please be gentle. It’s my first.
Seriously though, I’ve been checking the scene out for a while now so I thought I would say hi to everyone, and hope to become a part of the “Doper” family…
-S
Bend over, baby, I’M driving!
Hey, thought I’d break you in quick before all the “hippy-touchy-feely” people got here! 
You know, maybe we should vote Byz “Official welcome wagon”…
Not that you have to follow their lead, but some of the people here in Dallas like to say we’re members of the Addams Family <insert cheap laugh track here>.
Welcome, Phalanx!
Glad to have you as part of the Dysfunctional Doper Family.
Of course, for the first few Holiday meals, you’ll have to sit at the kiddie table. 
Hi there Phalanx
I guess I will be sitting with you at the kiddie table
…SR xoxo
With friends like that, who needs enemas.
Ba-dum, bum.
Thank you, I’m here all week.
Actually… no.
I’ve got a spot saved for Phalanx right here pats lap, thank you.
<runs in, hugs the newbie>
Hiya!
<hugs lurker, laughs, runs away>
Hi. My name is Steve, too. (No, not really.)
No, Sarah,
My name is Steve, too.
Hi, Steve, nice ta meetcha.
(For the record, I have a cousin named Steve. I’ll bet none of you are him, especially Silver Fire.)
Nerd, how’d you know my name? STALKER! STALKER!! 
Hehehe, kidding.
Yes I am! (No, not really.)
~Sarah~
Oh look, a newbie!
First of all, that username displeases me. Get rid of it. Change it to “Chicken of Bristol” and evilbeth will be your friend forever.
Second of all, your real name displeases me. Choose a new one. As you can see, we have enough Steves here as it is. You’ve confused poor Silver Fire into calling herself a Steve, and that really throws a monkey wrench into my sexual fantasies about her, got it? (Well, there already was a monkey wrench in the fantasies, but now it’s there in a bad way.)
Fifth of all, your brazen disregard for my Welcome Wagon Thread has wounded me deeply. If you post there, I may teach you how the search function works.
[sub]Welcome aboard, hope you have fun, and don’t take me too seriously, m’kay? I tease. I’m a teaser. It’s what I do.[/sub]
Crunchy Frog: I may be a newbie here but I have been around message boards for a while. A new topic gets more attention than an old don’t you think? I’ll work on changinf the name for you… How about frog legs?
Mega: Love yah babe!
The Steve fetish people: I am sorry for any confusuion I may have caused the lot of you. Please accept my apologies.
Byz: Byz… Byz… Nice.
I think I am going to like it here
-S