Hi Dopers,
My name’s EmeraldGrue and I’m a secret SDMB addict; this messageboard lured me away from my previous lurking-place, talk.origins (truly “more addictive than a Tetris cartridge dipped in crack cocaine”). Not many other boards, I think, have such diverse membership and high grammatical standards; it’s always fun to read.
So here’s to the next month, eh?
Welcome, EmeraldGrue! Get comfy, enjoy your stay, and be ready with your debit card in a few weeks when you have to pay up or leave. Leaving is much harder than forking over a few bucks! 
Hmmm … if I’ve estimated correctly, this should be post #666 for me. Run for your lives!
Nah, just pony up the $14.95 and get it over with. You’ll never be able to leave us now! Mwahahahahaha!
Oh, and welcome, by the way.
Blast you for doing this Monday morning. We just are not ready for the…um… introduction service.
Where is Sunspace with that goat?
Welcome EmeraldGrue. The ceremony is generally benign and shouldn’t hurt…much.
NOW WHERE IS THAT GOAT??
:points at exemarsec: Over there! :runs & hides:
As they say, you can run, but you cannot hide.
The goat is a wily goat, albeit a bit skittish at the moment – I’m sure that will just make everything go much … faster. Yeah, faster. 
Welcome!
Hi EmeraldGrue,
This is my first reply to your second post.
Hello EmeraldGrue
It is Monday morning, and I am at work, so if that helps to put things into perspective, please consider it.
I don’t know you, and I have no idea whether you will or will not be a jerk. I’m hoping not, but one can never be certain.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, while others may greet you heartily, I’m somewhat less convinced. You haven’t offered any references that we may check. I suspect you haven’t been subjected to any sort of rigorous psychological testing. In a nutshell, you may be a nut and a jerk, and I have no way of knowing. You seem nice and all but…really…who can be certain??
So maybe I welcome you. I just don’t know.
Are you male or female, and if female, are you hot? If you’re male or you’re a female but not hot, do you have any hot sisters?
Ummm, what?!?!? I know the “don’t be a jerk” rule, but since when does being a nut disqualify one from being a contributing Doper in good standing? 
Don’t forget the Hot Glue Gun.
We can’t bring in the Goat without the Hot Glue Gun!
Yeah, well, there’s a lot of posters on the SDMB and although many names are memorable, it’s hard for a relative newbie to get a good idea of people’s personalities. Furthermore, as a Guest, I can’t quickly get all your previous posts. Hence I don’t have that good of an idea who you are, Standup Karmic, and your one greeting, while reasonable and polite, doesn’t auto-file you in the “Not A Jerk” category.
So let’s both play nice, okay? Innocent 'til proven guilty and all that.
Have you forgotten what happened when the Goat got hold of the Hot Glue Gun?
Playing with you, EmeraldGrue. Just playing. I figured references to rigorous psychological testing and hotness would give that away without doubt. No offence or genuine pre-judgement intended.
twickster, I was trying to forget about the Hot Glue Gun Incident. Do you remember how much trouble we had getting any sort of barber afterwards? Or for that matter a plumber? And do you remember the ‘special service payments’ they asked for?
Even the Thing Downstairs was slowed down… and I haven’t seen that happen since the Tentacle, er, I mean, Noodle Incident, you know, when that weird little kid got loose.
Oh… and welcome, EmeraldGrue. Sorry about the administrivia there. You know how these things suddnely come up.
Okay, sorry about the snippiness. We’re cool then.