Spouse, BUT having gone through both parents and my mother-in-law dying, my wife and I have learned that there has to be a lot of flexibility in “putting one first.”
There are going to be times when you want to spend time or do something to support a parent. You and your spouse just have to put your relationship on hold for a little bit. If I had the sort of dysfunctional family where my mother would have wanted me to come over and put in the storm windows while my wife was in labor, or my wife wouldn’t want me to have dinner with my parents, then I probably wouldn’t have either parents or spouse to worry about.
But what does the wife want to spend her time doing? If she has a great desire to be spending more time with her mother, and it conflicts with his desire to not have to do as much housework/babysitting/whatever, then the two should find an agreeable compromise. I don’t think that her want would be any more noble than his want simply because it involves her mother. Likewise, I don’t think that his want is any more noble than hers.
If the wife thinks that it’s her duty to do these things for her mother, then I disagree with that opinion.
Having recently been in this situation myself I’ll weigh in.
My Mom was really ill for almost a year, during that time whenever she called me I would would go to her house to be with her. Last March she was diagnosed with lung cancer, being the only one of her children living in state at the time I took care of her with 2 breaks from my sister who lives in Alabama.
This meant weeks between trips home sometimes, more during her hospital stays until one of my sisters came back to Texas 3 months ago then I still went almost everyday to Mom’s and during her last 2 hospital stays my sister and took turns spending the night at the hospital.
It never meant choosing between the LIONsob and my Mom, he had no problem with it at all. Not that it would have done any good if he had, she was my Mom and she didn’t have anyone else to help her. He encouraged me to do what I needed to do.
Mom passed away on the 9th of this month and I do not regret one minute I spent with her, plus I am forever thankful that my husband understood and gave me no grief at all about it.
So it was clear for me, my Mother needed me, my husband wanted me with him at home but he knew that I HAD to be with Mom.
This raises an issue that I think might be important. My gut instinct was to say that Parents come first. I was actually surprised that so many of you were picking the Spouse. I was slightly horrified that maybe I’m a cold and selfish person.
I am an only child. My mother had one brother, who died this year. If she were to fall ill or was in dire need of assistance, I’m sorry, but I’d drop everything and run to her. (I am not currently married, but let’s assume for the situation that I was) Now, if my theoretical husband got run over by a truck while I was up tending to mom? Shit, I don’t know what I’d do, but I think I’d tend more towards giving 51% to mom. Blood is thicker than water for me, I guess.
I could, however, probably think of different types of situations that would have me opting for the spouse, though. My dad, for example, is one of 5 kids, so I’d have SOME sort of additional help, but still, since I’m the only child, I’d feel compelled to make him the priority.
Not at all. It’s all in how you frame the question, IMO. Serious situations may require more effort; as framed (based on the “Mother can take the bus example” given above), I think the proposal is to choose between two slightly uneven, non-life-or-death situations.
Taken to the extreme (e.g., Mom is in a wheelchair crossing the street in front of a bus that’s about to hit an oil patch and carom out of control, husband is tied immobile with an anvil above his head, which is dangling by a thread that’s being chewed through by rats - who do you save?), it’s pretty much impossible to answer (in a non-morbid manner that won’t make you feel badly either way).
Given those examples, perhaps I watched too many cartoons as a young lad…
Spouse. Family is family, but your spouse is the family you chose. Which gives you a huge obligation to them. Then you balance giving your parents what they need after you take care of spouse. Yes, I feel most of us (not all) owe our parents something for the love and care they gave us growing up, but we don’t owe them letting our marriages suffer.
Things being relatively equal, it seems that most posters would put legitimate spousal needs over equivalent parental needs. Parental needs would trump spousal wants.
Gosh, I hope not. I was also surprised that so many people said spouse right off the bat. I really had to think about this.
Finally, I came up with this non-answer:
For Mr. Del and me, it’s not really a question of spouse v. parent. Since he and I are “cleved together as one flesh,” if one of our parents has a need, then it is up to us, together, to figure out how to meet that need. I honestly can’t imagine a situation where we would not be able to come up with a plan that we could both get behind. We’re partners, and we use this approach for most things that come up in life. Doing right by our parents (the only other phrase I could come up with was “being dutiful adult children” struck me as very extreme) is a high priority for both of us – if we didn’t share this outlook, I think it would have raised a red flag early on in our relationship.
Granted, it’s pretty easy for me to say that because everyone in this particular equation (me, Mr. Del, his dad, my mom and dad) are all (for the most part) reasonable, easy-going people who don’t tend to make a lot of unexpected demands. Believe me, I have read some stories about parents on these boards that have made me get down on my knees and appreciate how blessed I am to have been raised by two loving parents.
It really depends on the situation. Needs come before wants, in the case of equal needs my husband’s come before my parents’, and in the case of wants my husband’s come before my parents (unless I have a preference- if my husband wants me to go to a hockey game, and my mother wats me to go shopping, I’m going shopping).
In the situation described- mom doesn’t drive and the woman spends a lot of time running errands, although mom is not disabled and has access to public transportation- my husband would come first. For a lot of reasons- not the least of which is a similar situation that happened to me. When our first child was born, mymother had to pick us up from the hospital. Where was my husband? Picking up his mother , because she wanted to be at the house when I got home with the baby. Fifteen years later , it still bothers me. I’ve mostly gotten over it ( although there was always a nagging feeling that I would never come first if I didn’t come first that day) , but I wouldn’t want to do it to him.
I love my parents, and they were very good parents, but my spouse is my other half.
**A woman’s mom no longer drives… ** - I’d expect my husband to help out with my mother too in that situation. He could come along on some of the errands, or bring her to them himself, so I’d have more time to spend with him, more time to myself, and we’d spend more time together. She could also take public transportation sometimes. We’d let the household tasks slide, or, ideally, hire someone to do them if we had enough money at that point in our lives.
If I were dying of cancer - I’d spend more time with my husband than my parents.
kidney - my husband.
Mom in a wheelchair heading for out-of-control bus vs. hubby with anvil - husband.
