High Wind, Hail, Tornados?! I done sacrificed the goat already!

The BBQ Pit
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Here it is, middle of November, and I’m stuck at home. Because I can’t install widows and doors in this weather. (Yes, a real rant.)

Okay, we’ve that other job going now. But, I have a guy hanging rock in the kitchen today becuase I have a couple more window jobs to do. We would be in each other’s way today.

So, anyways…

It’s November 17th and we have a tornado watch. Hail. High winds. Torrential downpour.

Like I said in the title, I thought I had done my part. I sacrificed the goat (Tasty! :slight_smile: )

I cut myself and let the blood mingle with the goat’s.

I poured it on the ground, making a big circle. In that circle’s arc, I made five points. I connected those five points with the entrails of said goat, and my niece’s jump rope cause I made the circle too big.

I shaved my head and got naked.

I covered myself in butterscotch (the God’s love butterscotch :slight_smile: ) and proceded to do the dance and very loud song of “Just give us fuckin’ normal weather, for cryin’ out loud” to the tune of Madonna’s Justify My Love.

Should the goat have been a virgin? I thought I could I could maybe save money by using the goat we already defiled in the other ceremony to ensure a Sooner win over the Aggies. (That one worked!)

In 17 days of Novemeber so far, we have had almost 12 hrs of sunlight. Not daylight, sunlight. If I was near the Artic Circle, I would expect this. But, the tattoo on my ass clearly shows Oklahoma City to be almost right on the Equator. Or is that my crack?

Anyhoo…

Goat killed? Check

Self mutilation? Check

Large, scary looking symbol drawn in blood out in the middle of May and NW63rd? Check

Nakedness of large 40 yr old man? Check

Singing? Check

Butterscotch? Check

What do the Gods want? What else to I need to do? Anyone got Jesus’s phone number? Maybe he’s paying attention…

P.S. This is a real rant concerning our horrid weather. I may have exaggerated my reaction a tad…

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You forgot to stand on your head in your nakididity, with the webcam broadcasting your ceremony to the world… :wink:

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You’re supposed to drink the goat’s milk before sacrificing it.

And the standing on your head thing is only needed for snow.

4

All that nasty weather is, indirectly, what keeps TX from floating off into The Gulf. :slight_smile:

Maybe your rituals were done too well? That bit about the jump rope is just “off” enough to intrigue the fickle weather gods. What you’ve gone & done in get the gods all aroused. Now they’ll want the encore.

We did a similar ritual in Colorado, only with a certified virgin marmot instead of a goat, back in '89 to make the rains abate a little–worked a little too well. You don’t wann hear about the rituals we did on St Patrick’s day 2003 to break the drought with a nice lizzard!

You have the right to live wherever you want, even in Oklahoma if it suits you, and in so doing you inherit the right to curse the weather. But if you knowingly build your house in a flood plain, please restrain yourself from getting your puss on the news and cryin’ 'bout how you lost everything to the floods for the fifth year in a row.

Enjoy the hail! Do you do siding too?

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Nope, no siding. But I do referals for a guy who does. I sometimes do roofs, though.

FTR, I do not live in a flood plain. My brother does. (Katy, Texas) But, he has the proper insurance.

Though this is Tornado Alley, the odds are quite small of any one residence being destroyed. I would have to look it up, but I found it once.

I’ve been in 3 tornados.

2 earthquakes, nearly a dozen tropical storms / hurricanes (seen the eye twice! :slight_smile: ), a wildfire, an avalanche, several blizzards (once while camping), and a major week long flood.

I’ve lived in CO, LA, and the Gulf Coast besides here in the Heart of the Heartland.

I’ve never been struck by lightning, but my house has, and my Grandfather died of a lightning strike. Actually, two lightning strikes. Within minutes. Go figure.

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Um…I meant Blizzard

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Huh!

I was picturing a large reptile with a spelling (and incontinence) problem ‘watering’ everything.

Is it beer:30 yet?

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I think you forgot the mandatory kazoo stuck in your bum on which you play “The Washington Post March”

That amuses the weather ogs.

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Oh! So it’s your fault it’s been raining all day down here in Stillwater!

Damn it, NoClueBoy! You forgot the blood laced wine and, yes, the goat was supposed to be a virgin. Sheesh. We can’t let the guys handle anything not involving football.

Now, go find a virgin.

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Do you honestly think the goat will admit it’s a virgin? You’ll have to wine and dine it first. The more it drinks the more likely it is it will succumb without too much of a fight.

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What´s next?, locusts? meteorite strike? lemon flavored hail? :smiley:

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NoClueBoy, NoClueBoy, NoClueBoy, you’ve got to check with people before you attempt this sort of thing. You see, I’ve checked with my sources and for people of our religious persuasion, you use a sheep, not a goat, or, better yet, a nice bit of virgin wool, some or all of which can be knit into a nice sweater or blanket for the High Priestess who’s advising you. They’ve also started advising against crossroads ever since that unfortunate incident including a circle and a pick up truck. Apparently protection against malevolent forces does not extend to F-150s.:frowning: Oh, and the more conservative neighbors, not to mention the local Baptist church objected to the 50 year old male nudity (although they objected less to the 20 year old female nudity!). Singing is good. Butterscotch is good. Oh, and if you could get the same sort of port wine the Episcopal Church uses, that would also be good. I’ve also been asked to tell you not to forget the chocolate – failing to do so could get you into all sorts of trouble!

I will also let you know that I, too have been punished for failing to advise you correctly. On the other hand, I now have an explanation for why I not only got snow and high winds on the way to work one day last week, but lightning! :eek:

By the way, I talked to Jesus, and He said to tell you He’s gotten out of the weather business – something about too many complaints and too much whining! That or would you believe he was aiming for Fred Phelps and missed?

It’s going to be a long winter, isn’t it?
CJ
For the record, this whole post was in jest, although I really did get lightning in the middle of a snowstorm last week. It didn’t help that I was on a freeway on a bridge and dealing with strong crosswinds at the time.

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Tornado watch?? Ha! We had a tornado warning here in St Louis Monday night. One street had four feet of water covering it! “Strong rotational winds” in some of St Louis County’s tonier suburbs.

http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/news/stories.nsf/News/St.+Louis+City+%2F+County/DB8039FF5855415186256DE200200B17?OpenDocument&Headline=Strong+storm+prompts+tornado+warning

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Apparantly, my dance met the Gods’ approval. Some really wickid shit happening in non OKC, OK places.

Sorry, y’all. :frowning:

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Not quite. You can, however, get Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus” ringtone for your cellphone:

right here.

Batten down yer hatches, mate.
Hold on tight!

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Arden, I din know you was in SWO… Cool…Some of my sibs went to OSU many moons ago.

Spent 54 years in Tulsa and the Spring storms are always fun … Now over in OKC, you get WIND and it serves you right NCB… he he he

Wait till you get the December tornadoes…

We got a nice big one ni December of 75. I was blowed away in the June 8th 74 mess …

Sorry about your Gramps, I’ve been hit twice by lightning and am working real hard to avoid #3…

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Arden, go look at the Sirloin Stockade, that was one of our most recent remodels. A minor one, but I think it looks nice. (I’m not the Contractor on those jobs, I just sub.) On a side note, it’s getting kind of hard to find virgins here. :slight_smile:

Guns, thanks. It happened before I was born, though. I wonder if weather freakiness is genetic…

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There’s your problem, NoClueBoy. When a goat is sacrificed, it is an offering of atonement. As such, it must be burnt entirely – NOT roasted and eaten. It seems to me that you intended a sacrifice of a yearling lamb (without blemish), which not only is intended to be eaten, but IMnshO tastes a lot better than roast goat.

Petitions to weather deities also often involve grain sacrifices, and I didn’t see any mention of one in your OP. So while you’re roasting the lamb and burning the goat, offer the grain sacrifice: Mix fine flour with olive oil (extra virgin, of course) and a pinch of salt, form into flat cakes, and apply each cake briefly to the altar until it’s cooked through. Serve with ground chickpeas and roast lamb.

(One of my favorite Jewish ritual jokes: What do you get when you sacrifice a bullock, several lambs, flour mixed with oil, and wine? Lunch!)