In the spirit of “Wally tries Cybersex”, here’s something hilarious I found on the web. Giving credit, it comes from
http://www.somethingawful.com/spam/icq/hardcore/index.htm
This guy (Lowtax) has an ICQ account and just screws with people. Here’s a conversation he had about rap.
Hardcore - yo, sup, you email me?
Lowtax - sup muthah, sup with choo?
Hardcore - shit man, just chillin, relaxin
Lowtax - The werd’s up, yo. Shit
Lowtax - So you dig rap, huh?
Hardcore - yeah, s cool
Lowtax - Shit werd muthah. Yeah, I listen to Emananam, Doc Dre, Snoop, Doc Octapus, DMX, all that shit
Hardcore - S cool, s cool… dig DMX too, s hardcore shit
Lowtax - Slinging blocks at phat drops, werd
Hardcore - coo coo… you checks out da link?
Lowtax - wha yuo talkin bout, dope dawg?
Hardcore - <http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Vine/6434/>
Hardcore - <http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Vine/6434/>
Hardcore - <http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Vine/6434/>
Lowtax - Shit niggah, slow yo roll bizzatchitch! I gots yo link dawg money!
Hardcore - sorry G, ICQ fucked up
Lowtax - tuff page, G. I dig da popup windows, gangstah shittzatag yo
Lowtax - You design dis dope style?
Hardcore - naw, fof
Lowtax - yeah, twice
Hardcore - friend of a friend ya know
Lowtax - shit niggah!
Lowtax - yo, I like how dat page dont got no 411… most pages put info and shittzatahagiz on it, but that aint got none… yo friend of a friend smoking blunts, G?
Hardcore - ha ha, shit
Lowtax - Or is he just some kind of fucking idiot? G?
Hardcore - shit, don’t start wit that, I aint like dat
Lowtax - Sorry dawg, didn’t mean it. Whos yer favorite rapper?
Hardcore - shit, I gots a lot g… stick with da Bone Thugs, i get on wit 2p, shit like that when im cruisin’
Lowtax - yeah, gotta have fly tunes for da Honda bitztanatch, pick up da hunnies
Hardcore - ha ha, sup
Lowtax - yeah, werd dawg to da fly tip, shit ya know
Lowtax - Me and my homies are startin up a rap group, did I tells ya?
Hardcore - coo, no
Lowtax - Yeah, we da “Deep Phat Fryahs”, bustin out from OC. My homie’s “Snoozy D” an’ I’m “Fried Ice”. Our first album is “Rockin’ Yo Ass From Tokyo to Gettysburg”. we gon be on Fly Tip Records come next G-January
Hardcore - no shittin’?
Lowtax - yeah, tourin West Side bitch. where yuo livin’, you could come see us live
Hardcore - shit, kickin’ in Sunnyvale
Lowtax - aw shit, moneymakin’ crazy hoods live in Sunnyvale!
Hardcore - shit, nah
Lowtax - Dre’s from Sunnyvale.
Hardcore - nah
Lowtax - You hear his single, “Bustin Outta Sunnyville With a 9”?
Hardcore - I dont think Dre did that, g
Lowtax - mightta been MC Pak Chooie, theyre East Side
hardcore oriental shit, hardcore
Hardcore - who’s on yo label?
Lowtax - Chuck Nasty, Easy Bustah, Da CMYK Gang, Doctah Chrome, Allie N. Skin, Bevel Crew, Run BMP, some other shit… you heard of dem?
Hardcore - some… got any mp3s?
Lowtax - shit nah, Dre made me stop usin Napster
Hardcore - werd
Lowtax - yeah werd, listen to some BMX
Hardcore - i got like 2 gigs o rap on my hard D
Lowtax - Damn bitzhchtnzatch, yo muthah D’s full! You gotta bust a move ta mothah fuckin’ CompUSA to get a new G-money Maxtor, yo!
Hardcore - ha ha, yea
Lowtax - So anyways, we finishin up a couple raps for da album. Wez workin’ on da songs “Cop Done Falls” and “Bustin Shit Up”. We just gotta work da lyrics yo.
Hardcore - what yoo got?
Lowtax - huh? werd?
Hardcore - what yoo got so far on da lyrics?
Lowtax - shit bitch, here’s all we gots from “Cop Done Falls”:
Mothafuckin’ man, you got trapped in mah way
Now comes mah Glok, my Smith and Westin gone’ stay
Mothah Bitch comes rollin, fools done trip out
Got a key of stump gonna roll out
Foos gone play out cuz trades gone werd
Trip dat bitch to a final fizz, money’s all spent
Flip out strip to da light gone switch foo’ drip
Playaz gone ill when da thrill shots blanks
(chorus)
He’s tip o da lip, flying like Niro
He ain’t got trousers, stuck in place like Hiro
It’s dawg eat dawg and yo salad’s been tossed
Cop done fall like Who’s Da Boss
Dats all so far
Hardcore - damn, tight shit
Lowtax - werd, thx G money holmes makah
Hardcore - yea. yo playin’?
Lowtax - huh?
Hardcore - yo gon live b4 da release?
Lowtax - yeah, twice
Hardcore - coo coo
Lowtax - We gon play 4 Bustah Thug Style on da “Gangstahs Bustin’ Caps Lock” tour on da west side dis year
Hardcore - coo… gettin’ reced?
Lowtax - yeah, twice
Hardcore - coo
Lowtax - what u do fo cash?
Hardcore - work at Krogers
Lowtax - shit dawg, free food, YOU GOTS DA HOOKUP
Hardcore - shit, nah, sucks. Jus savin up ta move
Lowtax - ta dah west side?
Hardcore - nah
Lowtax - north side? straight G’s there, Kid Cliffy B comes from there, straight up
Hardcore - who?
Lowtax - Kid Cliffy B, old skool shit. He made “Pir8s 4evah”, a tribute to Jeff “Special” K. when he wuz killed in da driveby 6 years ago… old skool shit
Hardcore - damn, neva heard of dat… dont keep up with old skool
Lowtax - Shit niggah, yo gotta stay true to da roots!
Hardcore - yea
Lowtax - Im working on writin’ fo “Bustin Shit Up” now, what rhymes with “narcolepsy”?
Hardcore - wha?
Lowtax - Nevahmind, I’ll just change the mothahfuckin word.
Hardcore - howd you become a rappa? I wants in but I aint got no music shit or cash
Lowtax - Aw shit negro, you gots ta get da hookup. I got in fly with Jim Bagleaducia, big time producer… he spotted me at Club Shovah down on fourth street, I was playin da crowd like a loced up G in vesanga. He says to me “G, you gots potential! We gonna put ya on da flip tip with Sherlock Holmes and Da ZBot Boyz” so I says “hook me up, shaznitz!” and wez tite since then yo
Hardcore - coo… jes gotta wait for a break den
Lowtax - yea, every dawg gets his bone, G. you gotta have a catch like us!
Hardcore - whats yo catch?
Lowtax - shit bitch, wes rap on stage in diapahz!
Hardcore - what??
Lowtax - We muthafuckin do gigs in da diapahz, ladiez love it!
Hardcore - WTF???
Lowtax - yeah, we bust shit up on stage, knock shit over and spit all ovah da fuckin crowd when rappin. Snoozy D sometimes brings dis bottle of lemonade and puts it inside his diapahz and fakes ta pisses all ovah da playah hatahs in da crowd and get they ladies all wet (if ya know what ah mean, DAWG)
Hardcore - youre fucked up!!!
Lowtax - the fuck ya talkin bout dawg? you jes like da othah rappahz, you fraid of us. We gon roll all ovah yah and plant corn in yo eyes, wez pimpin shit on da fly yea
Hardcore - shit!!!
Lowtax - yeah, wes do dat too, throw shit around. sometimez we bring grandma on stage an throw shit at her, makes da audience go mofo NUTZ yo, we take grandma and say “YO! SIT YO ASS DOWN YA DAMN BATTY OL BROAD!” and we tip her shit ovah and throw peaches at her azz. shes all bloody an shit, but we pay her stank ass, so it dont mattah.
Hardcore - that fucked up g
Lowtax - SHit dawg, but I gets da ROLLS to pay da billz. you wants me ta ask Jim Bagleaducia about gettin ya on da label?
Hardcore - NO
Lowtax - is no problem G, we hook ya up, ya can play afta us
Hardcore - NO
Lowtax - we’ll throw shit at yo face and push chairs ovah on ya, bust shit up an make a scene, da crowd will love ya. well kick ya face in and roll ya around in our diapahz
Hardcore - fuck you, youre fucked up
Lowtax - PLAYAH HATAH
Hardcore - FUck OFF
Lowtax - PLAYAH HATAH!!! PLAYAH HATAH!!!
Hardcore - FUCK YOU!!!
Lowtax - DROP YO ZERO AND GET YOSELF A HERO! PLAYAH HATAH!!!
Lowtax - I USED TO BE FAT BUT NOW IM ALL THAT!!!
Lowtax - hello?
Lowtax - hello?
Lowtax - G money?
Lowtax - friend?
Lowtax - hello?