I was watching 2001 on TV one day, and my dad wanders in, glances at the TV, and offhandedly remarks:
“To fully appreciate this movie, you need to start drinking vodka when it starts so you can be totally blitzed when it gets to the end.”
My dad, who my entire life I have never seen touch alcohol, and who is generally a very conservative kinda guy (conservative in taste and behavior, not necessarily in political affiliations, do not attempt this at home, stunts performed with a professional driver on a closed course, YMMV, BYOB, etc.)
Another one of his nuggets of wisdom:
“Women can too have love handles. They’re just shaped differently.”
Then my mom shot him an angry look and he went to go check on something in the next room.
Dad didn’t have much patience for anything really fantastic in a movie.
I finished watching The Matrix and he told Mom it was about “a bunch of goofy people doing goofy things and this and that.”
During his viewing of the first Harry Potter film, he said, “It’s a bunch of baloney. They’ve got cars flying around in the air!”
I replied that there might be hover cars in the world somewhere.
He retorted, “There are not, and you dim damn well know it!”
“My dad’s also a great storyteller. I know a lot of his stories by heart now, but whenever he starts to go into one I already know I never say anything because I love hearing him tell them. And every now and then he pulls one out that I’ve never heard before.”
My Dad was an artist with war stories. Most of them were from World War Two, but some also from other wars he had been in. If he noticed the glazed look in your eye that signified that you’d heard that one before, he would make up a new ending to the story, just for you.
Once I was talking to my Dad on the phone & complaining about Aunt Flo. "I’m on my period, so I’m really draggin’ " says I .
"OH? I didn’t know dragons had periods. "
“The girl ones do, Dad.”
Pause.
“That must be one son of a bitch of a tampon” :eek:
More Dad witticims:
See ya Around like a toliet seat
Write when you Get Work
Glad you got to see me (This is funnier than it sounds).
Mildewing to Keep from Molding (This was the answer to the ubiquitious childhood question “Daddy, What are you Doing?” For years I had no Idea what the hell he meant. )
Tired of living?( Dad says this when we are teasing him, giving him a hard time, or just looking at him funny)
Sorry, this should have been attached to the above. My Dad fought in Korea, Vietnam, WWII (Pacific theater) in the Marine Corps and also did some action (I don’t know, peace keeping ?) in the Dominican Republic. I only fought in Vietnam. Once, he and I were watching a retrospective on TV about the fall of Saigon and he turned to me and said: “You notice, every one we send you to, we lose ?”
Although a lot of my family members could have contributed to this thread (eg “he wouldn’t make puke to a buzzard”, “she’s pretty but as big as all outdoors”), Dear Old Dad is a rather boring Pillar Of The Community, and I’m struggling to think of his possible contributions to this thread. Still, I love to hear the stories you all have to share.
I wasn’t going to post this one, because it’s more sort of bittersweet than funny- but it shows the kind of guy my dad was. He died in 2004- in May, he was diagnosed with cancer and he died in July. I was lucky enough to be able to see him every other weekend (I live 500 miles away) for those last couple of months.
My last trip up, about 10 days before he died, I had gotten there while my brother and mom were out picking up dinner. I went into his room, held his hand, and asked him how he feeling. He looked at me, smiled, and said, “I’m not buying any green bananas”.
