Hipster Asshat with the Hipster Asshat

The BBQ Pit
1

I saw you at the Death Cab for Cutie concert last night. How could I not? Standing there in your leather jacket, even though it was pouring rain. You didn’t care. You’re so apathetic. You must practice.

I really dig that hat. Brown houndstooth, in such a jazzy fedora cut? What, it must be from… the 1960s? 1970s? What!? You bought it new? It’s not VINTAGE? I’m shocked. Seriously? It looked genuine. Except for the fact that it looked like you just took it out of the little plastic acorn from the gumball machine. I cannot even conceive of how much more indie (or emo, or hipster, or nrrdcore, or screamo-indie-post-hip, or whatever-the-fuck) you are than I am. And that makes me happy.

I’m really impressed that you knew all the words to all the songs at the Death Cab show, and even some of the words to the opening band. I bet that girl standing behind you would have been impressed, too, if she could have seen you mumbling the words. You definitely hit the sweet spot - everyone knew you knew all the words, but it wasn’t a big deal or anything, 'cause you weren’t actually singing along. Just mouthing them, a little. If they could have seen you… wow! As it was, all anyone could see was your hat. Your ugly, stupid, hipster hat that made you look so uncool that you passed right through so-uncool-it’s-hip and into the region of uncool where nerds in the library mutter “Look at that fucking DWEEB.” Also, if you ever get into a fight with one of those idiots who thinks that trucker hats are cool, you’ll have the edge – because your hat is even taller than theirs. Your plumage will wow them all, believe me.

You clearly love the band a lot! Or at least you cultivate a healthy facsimile of admiration for them, because they are The Hip Indie Band right now. I could tell how into it you were by how you stood completely still during the whole show, glued to the rail in your pose, so nobody could squeeze in or around you. And you’re only, like, five-foot-six, so the girls behind you who really love the band, they could see over you! So everybody won!

…except they couldn’t see over your goddamned, stupid, ugly, titanic festering houndstooth abortion of a hat, which you were wearing in the hopes that it would make you look Post-Hip enough to get laid.

Let me break in down for you in a language I call Old Coot:

  1. You’re an asshole.
  2. Anyone who wears a fedora, even as an affectation, should know better than to wear it indoors. Your affectation of culture made you look fucking juvenile, and I wanted to frisbee your hat into the audience, except that then I would have been littering.
  3. Wearing a hat to a performance – any hat, to any performance – is rude, because it gains you nothing, while inconveniencing everyone behind you.[sup]1[/sup]
  4. You’re still an asshole.
  5. That leather jacket smells like a couch.
    5b) A couch made of newly-tanned buffalo assholes.
  6. If you’re going to wear a hat indoors, at a performance, and you’re five-foot-seven, you can stand on the steps at the back and see the band just fine. Or what the hell: let the five-foot-nothing fangirls share the rail with you. Maybe you’ll get a smooch. Maybe you’ll get laid!
  7. Because that hat sure isn’t going to increase your chances.
  8. Just in case you didn’t hear me – because you weren’t wearing any kind of earplugs – you’re a pretentious deaf asshole who smells bad, and your hat is ugly.
  1. Okay, so there are situations where a Jewish man could wear a yarmulke to an IMAX movie, and not be rude. Happy? Good. Shut the fuck up.
2

You forgot the white belt and grimy Keds.

3

Gosh, you don’t like his hat? And here he was thinking you were going to sleep with him, too.

I can see the complaint about wearing a hat to a performance where it blocks others’ views, except:
-You said it was raining, and a fedora is very practical headgear when it’s raining.
-At concerts, it’s often impossible to check hats and coats (was that the case here?)
-Even if there was a coatcheck place, if he was a smoker, it may have been impractical to check it repeatedly so he could go out in the rain and smoke.

That leaves the complaint that he, a 5’6" guy with a hat on (and fedoras are really not that tall, unless you’re leaving something out), didn’t stand near the back of the crowd. That seems like a pretty small reason to pit someone.

Geez. Let folks have their fun, and stop caring so much about how hip they look. It’ll be more fun for you, too.

Daniel

4

Mebbe his faux hip look was actually a very subtle and clever social satire and you just didn’t get it.

5

Good rant Jurph.

These never go well, but they crack me up. Posers have to be called out – even if the defense “why should it bother you?” is valid.

6

He also brought an umbrella, to keep the rain off his hat.

Nope. There was even a separate coat-check upstairs, so that if you were on the balcony you wouldn’t end up at the back of the ground-floor line trying to leave.

He smoked right there on the rail, the whole time.

I’m saying that the difference between his height and his hat’s height basically blocked the view of two or three rows of folks behind him who otherwise would have had much better views.

He can have his fun. And he can look like a pretentious poser. But when his affectation creates an inconvenience to others, it’s no longer “fun” – it’s being an inconsiderate ass. He could have taken the hat off, since he was indoors; he could have stood behind the short girls in the next row back (and they both would have been able to see – I know because I traded spots with them after it was clear he wasn’t going to, and I had a great view… over his hat); or he could have sat at home dressed up like a moron and just listened to the show on the radio.

7

Jurph, you are a madman!

When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow…

I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it!

8

Your fixation on someone else’s fashion sense, or lack thereof, is rather pathetic. Most people grow up after they leave high school.

9

Jurph, where are you now? I mean right now.

Because I’m going to go buy a fedora and a smelly leather jacket so I can stand in front of you and mouth words to songs. I mean, now that I know how to get to you that is.

Serves you right for wasting your money on Death Cab. You pretty had to know you’d be surrounded by pretentious assholes, right?

Right?

10

Ha! Touche!

11

You went to a concert and saw someone you thought was an asshole? Your tender sensibilities might be safer at home. In my experience, this is not a rare event.

12

There was an asshat at that concert, Jurph, but it wasn’t the guy in the fedora.

13

Would it have been acceptable for him to dress like you and your friends … baseball cap on backwards? I take it that such a “style” would be classified as “cool” by you?

14

I took a flyer on them. A guy I work with said they were pretty good, mentioned that the lead singer had been in The Postal Service, and so hey - cool show. I wouldn’t say “surrounded” - this guy, and maybe five or six others in the crowd, really stuck out as Trying Way Too Hard. I also wouldn’t say it was a waste of money, but $20 for Death Cab isn’t quite as good as $5 for Fountains of Wayne and They Might Be Giants on a double bill. And none of those shows can possibly be as good as what you listen to, right?

Right?

15

That’s nice, dear. Feeling better? I’ll make us both a nice cup of tea…

If he had an umbrella, that was far more of an obstruction than an asshat. I’d have taken the umbrella and turned it inside out. *That * would have shown that Mary Poppins wannabe!

I think you have two irons in the fire.[ul]
[li]The guy made a better door than a window, and was spoiling the view for everyone. You have my heartfelt sympathy. I’ve had it with people who walk around during events, or stand and block the view, considering how much tickets cost these days. And I’ve had it those who talk through movies or concerts; one wonders why they even bought the ticket. Except this guy just mouthed the words, so he’s off the hook on that one. But definitely on the hook for being an obstruction.[/li]
[li]The guy was a poser, dressed like a goof. Here you lost me. Clothing, hairstyles, hair color, piercings… Life is short, have fun while you can. They all go away in time (unless someone keeps incriminating photos), so who really cares? Even though tattoos are permanent - again, it’s your life, and life is short (did I say that already?)[/li]
[li]Opal was at the concert.[/ul][/li][/monty python]Your *three * irons in the fire are… Amongst your irons are such diverse elements as… [/monty python]

I think that someone’s cranky because the world found out about his favorite band, and now he has to pay more for tickets.

16

Easy on the “finger quotes” there, “Doctor Evil”. I think I still own a baseball cap somewhere for when I’m going to be out in the sun for a long time, but it’s basically a utility item. I know I’ve never worn it backwards, and I always take my hat off indoors. As for a style that’s classified as cool, that’s easy: whatever I’m wearing, man.

Seriously, though – the hat only bugged me because it was simultaneously a fashion disaster and an inconvenience to others. Just a fashion disaster? There’s badly-dressed folks everywhere, and I’m probably one of them. Just an inconvenience to others? There’s inconsiderate assholes everywhere, but I do my damnedest not to be one of them.

Aside to Plynck - the umbrella was closed, because we were inside; he just had it with him. Also, I heard more Death Cab for Cutie last night than I have previously ever heard in my life, so classifying them as my favorite is, at best, premature.

17

Well, I thought it was funny. Especially “nrrdcore”. Never heard that one before, but it works.

18

Right!

Now you’re getting it.

19

Well, I hope that you give them time to grow on you. Some very cool people like them, you know… :smiley:

20

You can take in a guy’s outfit and presence in about 2 seconds and write a rant twice as long as **Jurph[b/]'s without FIXATING on anything or not enjoying the music yourself or being so upset that you should just stay at home.

And if some jerk-o is going to dress like a big jerk-o – a twenty-something with a fucking fedora to go see a band then hoorah to someone for calling him out.

A dude wearing a fucking fedora to see a band is asking for it. He ain’t wearing a fucking fedora because it’s a sensible choice. He’s doing it to lay down a cool vibe, and that alone makes him the uncool asshole subject of the pitting.