I had this idea reading “James Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses” linked from the “worst books” thread in Cafe Society.
I got halfway through the first paragraph and suddenly found myself wishing that Mark Twain posted here. I would pay good money to see him write a Pit rant, and even more if he worked in the concept of “goat-felcher.”
But then I reminded myself that he’s dead. And probably in a rather unpleasant state of decay by now.
Who else?
Ben Franklin-- Brilliant, witty, charming. Printer, publisher, journalist, author. Scientist, spy, diplomat. Political scientist, civic leader, revolutionary! Innovator & agitator.
He’s primo SDMB material!
Darn, Franklin was my first choice.
uhmmmm… Dorothy Parker should be good for a few laughs.
Yeah, but if Franklin were a poster, he’d always be flirting over in MPSIMS.
Personally, I’d love to have the late Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, or the relatively-on-time Dennis Leary occasionally drop by the Pit.
Og the barbarian.
Unless he already appeared and posted in that pit thread …
Imagine having Richard Feynman or Carl Sagan in General Questions and Great Debates!!
I’d never leave, hoping for the next morsel.
Churchill.
Churchill!
CHURCHILL!!
Winston Churchill! Oh Ghod! What a Doper He’d make! And would he just love this place! 
Personally, I’d love to see some of the 16th-century religious propagandists who I studied for my dissertation, authors like Simon Fish, Miles Hoggarde, and John Standish, slug it out in GD or the Pit–if only for the epithet-slinging their fights would generate:
“Fylthy swine & currish dogg!” “Ravening wolf cloak’d in shepes apparell!” “Your father hath handled some base whores tayle the last night!” etc etc etc.
George B. Shaw
– or perhaps –
Oscar Wilde
Dorothy Parker. I love a good smart-ass. 
Ben Jonson, for similar reasons…
Everyone already mentioned plus T.H. Huxley and Thomas Jefferson.
I’d love to see Carl Sagan go a couple of rounds in GD. Would be a eye opener to be sure.
I’ve always had a fascination for EVIL historical characters. Why did they do it? What were they thinking?
So, if we could confine them to the pit, throw shit at them, and listen to their lame self-justifications:
Hitler
Hermann Goering (who might actually be amusing)
Stalin
Nixon
Mayor Daley, the elder
Clyde (not Bonny, don’t want bad poetry)
Tammy Faye Baker (must be killed first, is this a problem?)
On the plus side:
ditto Einstein, Feynmann, Twain
Dave Thomas (why the hell not, seemed like a nice guy!)
John Belushi
Voltaire
Thomas Jefferson
HL Mencken
Doubting Thomas? Can we ID him?
Gilda Radner
Cleopatra
Ernie Kovacs
Favorites for the Pit would be Andrew Jackson (although he’d be sidetracked by RL duels, I think) and ** Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor**'s choice, Winston Churchill. What a piece of work that guy was! In GD, how about Leonardo da Vinci? Since he knew so dang much about just about everything, he’d put more threads to rest than a workaholic tailor. He’d probably also have SDMB running twice as fast, but don’t tell the mods I said that!
Think about it. We could finally hear him speak for himself, instead of letting a lot of selfish morons speak for him.
Hmmm, let’s see, Aleksander Kerensky, Tip O’Neill, Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr., Queen Victoria, King Aleksandar of Yugoslavia (hehehehe), Glenn Miller (again-heheheheh), Oscar Romero, the Romanovs.
On the bad side:
Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Lenin, Napoleon, Joseph McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Ayn Rand.
good side:
Ben Franklin
W. Churchhill
Nikoli Tesla (nikki was a mad unusual genius would would have been quite a character here.
On the bad side:
Stalin (uncle Joe) yeah kinda maybe
Beria (stalin’s right hand man and a real evil bastard) who ownes some really cool looking glasses.
good side:
Ben Franklin
W. Churchhill
Nikoli Tesla (nikki was a mad unusual genius would would have been quite a character here.
On the bad side:
Stalin (uncle Joe) yeah kinda maybe
Beria (stalin’s right hand man and a real evil bastard) who had some really cool looking glasses.
This is my second reply to Guinastasia in five minutes; I can feel the Hammer of Wrath poised above my head. Jinkees!
But, what the heck. What makes Ayn Rand bad? If it’s just that you disagree strongly with her politics, 'nuff said; I just thought maybe I missed something historic.
PS - I was waiting for someone to suggest JC: what a great way to set the record straight, if he didn’t bore us all with parables!
My first thought on seeing this thread was “I wonder how long it would take till Hitler was banned?”
Catullus Exquisite poems in Cafe Society and just an all around interesting guy. He’d be able to write some very interesting rants too. There are a lot of other educated Romans and classical figuresthat I would nominate here but Catullus would be my first choice.
I’ve also always liked Abraham Lincoln. I don’t think he’d post very often though.
C. S. Lewis, J. R. R. Tolkein and that whole group of authors they were part of. Reasoning should be obvious, this place lends us to authors.
One more Jonathan Swift. I mean just imagine opening up a thread titled “A Modest Proposal” in GD. Imagine that!