Holiday Classics and the Downfall of Political Correctness

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

okay - so back in 2004 - the water cooler convo was about workplace harassment (sexual, religious, or otherwise) and the training class we were all having to attend. The comic phrase du jour was “that offends me!” and often finished every punchline.

So then for some reason, this song popped in to my head:

*Christmas is coming,
The goose is getting fat,
Please put a penny
In the Old Man’s Hat.

If you haven’t got a penny,
A half penny will do.
If you haven’t got a half penny
Then God Bless You.*

And I realized - OMG - not one line is politically correct!

SO here is my updated verion:

*The winter holidays are coming,
The goose is increasing in girth, but not necessarily in an unhealthy way,
If you are not offended by solicitations,
The man of elder years is currently accepting them by way of person-to-bowler contact.

If you are currently unable to give the requested amount,
Smaller donations are also accepted.
If you yourself are in need of financial assistance,
May whatever beings, entities, or forces you believe in grant you such aid.*

somehow, I don’t think its quite as catchy . . .

Feel free to add your own :slight_smile:

2

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
and two eyes made out of coal.
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say,
He was made of snow but the children
know how he came to life one day.
There must have been some magic in that
old silk hat they found.
For when they placed it on his head
he began to dance around.
O, Frosty the snowman
was alive as he could be,
And the children say he could laugh
and play just the same as you and me.

Pipes? Coal? “Fairy tales”? Dancing? An assumed physical ability to laugh and play on the part of the listener?
Bold, daring, and possibly offensive, this song, and it didn’t even have to mention a holiday. Let’s fix that. :slight_smile:

Frosty the male person made out of snow (although neither his name nor his fleshly materials reflect on the warmth of his character) was a very personable entity,
with an entirely healthy accessory made from a hollowed-out dried plant husk, and a nose that was once an organic garment fastener, and eyes made of a dark material that increased the ecological soundness of our cultural practices.
Frosty the male person made out of snow is said to be an untrue story;
His material being was frozen water, but a group of people with limited (though valuable) experience
understand his supposed animation during one diurnal period.
The group of people are sure that there was a larger force inhabiting the headgear made of soft fabric that was definitely not an animal product nor sewn by underpaid, underprivileged workers,
because when the people placed the headgear upon the cephalic lump of their nonliving snow creation, the snow creation began to move rhythmically of its own accord!
Oh, Frosty the male person made out of snow may have been living rather than nonliving at this point,
and the group of people assert that he could engage in many enjoyable activities with no appreciable difference from their own ability or the ability we presume the listeners also have (although if the listeners are unable to engage in these enjoyable activities, this has no negative reflection on their physical or mental characters).

Just try to set that to music. It’s not even as catchy as the updated song in the OP.

3

When it snows, ain’t it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We’ll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a winter wonderland.
That’s “Aleutian” to you, you ignorant bastard!

4

Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our gay apparel…

Umm…excuse me? WHAT kind of apparel again?

How utterly juvenile. :rolleyes:

5

Here’s a whole book of them, if you’re interested.

6

I was once part of a counter protest group that sang carols across the street from Fred Phelps and the WBC. Some of us were gay, some straight, some religious, some not, some of the carols were secular, some religious.

But guess which one we’d SHOUT out, huh?:stuck_out_tongue:

7

Now, what’s the fun of buying it when we can make them, right here, at Dope, ourselves?

Store-bought PC-ness. It just doesn’t have that Dope-made taste!

8

Okay, how’s this:
How the Grinch Supported Awareness of Christmas

All Who-Americans liked Christmas a lot.
To the north, the Grinch-American did not.
The Grinch-American hated the Christmas season.
Now don’t ask me why, no one quite knows the reason.

It might be merely because of his skin color,
For the Who’s all shunned those with a slimy, green pallor.
Or perhaps it was that a rare, inborn trait
Made his heart subnormal, and thus filled with hate.
But to me it seems that the best explanation
Is that he suffered anti-Grinch discrimination.

But whatever the reason, his genes or society,
At Christmas-time he did not feel and piety.
For he knew every Who-American down there
Was going to have fun, and it just wasn’t fair.

But then the Grinch smiled a non-standard smirk,
For he had an idea. And idea that might work!

Right during the middle of the Christmas craze
He went down and started to consciousness-raise.

"You Whos need to know that this cruel celebration
Is based on capitalist exploitation.

"Each opened-minded person surely resents
That on Christmas you get loads of fine presents.
Meanwhile the workers, of all sexes and ages,
Are toiling away for long hours at low wages.

"And how about those of minority races,
Who look all around and don’t see any spaces
Devoted to holidays other than yours?
For them it all seems like a series of chores!

"And lastly think of the poor, old Christmas beast
That must give its life for your barbaric feast!

“I will not take part in this cruel holiday.
Please reject it in every possible way!”

Then the Who-Americans who had never heard
Any bold truth-teller spreading the word
Suddenly realized that all their unearned gains
Had been purchased by others, and not for small pains.
All festive behavior immediately ceased,
And the Grinch carved a tofu-based substitute beast.

9

ITR, couldn’t you have waited and gone last?

:stuck_out_tongue:

(That was excellently done of course)

-FrL-

10

Didn’t you get the memo? All apparel is gay. If they weren’t gay, they’d just be clothes.

11

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
That doesn’t necessarily exclude persons of color.
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white, but not exclusively.

12

These are great! I love it!

13

Shakespeare said it best “Brevity is the soul of wit.” (If you know what Shakespeare meant by “wit,” you can see what a deep stab I am taking at political correctness. After all, in his own context, Big Brother was poliitically correct.) :smiley:

14

What? I’ve heard the culturally ignorant proposal that all Eskimo are somehow all Inuit, but never that they’re somehow all Aleutian. In reality, ‘Eskimo’ is not only not insulting, it’s the only term that isn’t insulting when collectively referring to the Inuit, Yupik, and Aleut.

15

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You still have blatant sexism and ageism there. Expect to be called before the committee for “examination”.

“The temporally-enhanced person requests a donation to be placed in an item of head covering.”

16

What did I tell you about the “soul of wit”? [Violent flaming anticipated here]

17

The soul of wit
Not grand but bit
Is rarely from
You little twit :slight_smile:

18

I must have gotten myself all in a tangle…thanks for the correction.

19

Don’t get personal. :stuck_out_tongue:

20

I only complied because I thought that’s what you hoped for. And in my effort to be politically correct among all people in this potentially joyous (for those who care to celebrate it - not that they need to - it’s just an offer) time of year, I was doing my best to comply.

However, in light of your recent statement, I rescind all potentially personal implications that you inferred.