What happened when you smoked it?
A few years back I was having dinner with my friends at the university dining hall. My friends commented on some social faux paus I made earlier, and I got a little mad and said “it’s not like I sodomize babies!” The only problem was that there was a table of girls behind me and the way I accentuated that line was “it’s not like I SODOMIZE BABIES” … My whole table burst out laughing while the girls were stunned. I felt like merging with my chair =/
[hijack]
He took it pretty well, we ended up partying for a couple of days. It was around the 4th of July, we had fireworks. I took “Baggie Ankle” down the beach with me as I was shooting rockets. My technique, jab a rocket into the sand just far enough to hold it up, light, walk on down the beach. He wanted to try it.
He was really drunk and didn’t have the jab part perfected, his rocket fell over when he lit it and lodged under a chaise lounge, catching some stuff on fire. It was a girl’s stuff, she had stuck all her stuff under her chair so the dew wouldn’t collect on it overnight. Everything she had…clothes, purse, the works. Burned it and her chair up.
He didn’t have any cash, like $5, I didn’t have much more. I think we ended up giving her about $20 for her entire smoldering pile. I wanted to ask her if she’d be interested in taking a baggie of weed 
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The reminds me of Family Guy, Peter Griffin is doing a job interview. On the interviewer’s desk is a beach picture of the interviewer, his pretty wife, and young son.
Interviewer - “So Peter, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Peter (in his head) - “Don’t say doing your wife, don’t say doing your wife, don’t say doing you wife”
Peter (out loud) - “Doing your… son?”
I mentioned this on another thread just the other day, but…
In college, I took a bunch of my friends to an engineering party. My swimming buddy was serving beer, and I took the opportunity to introduce him to all my friends and to random strangers as “Clark.”
Weeks after, he’d be greeted on campus by random people as “hey! Clark! howzit goin’?”
His name? “Kent.”
I swear, still makes me cringe in embarrassment.
First day at my current job, orientation.
Instructor: Can anybody tell me why we have two forms here that we have to fill out that both have the same information on them?
Me: Because it’s the government?
The instructor didn’t find it funny as the other 40 people in the room did.
I had some middle-age sourpuss bitch ask me the “Where do you see yourself in 5 years” crap and I flat out said, “Retired”. She screwed up her ugly face even more and seemed to take it as personally as if I had dropped trou and pinched a twizzler in her rice pudding, going on about how her and her husband both worked and wouldn’t be able to retire blah blah blah blah…
Turns out I was wrong. I retired within 2 years of that interview.
Some time ago, I had another equally worthless interview. Some twit asks me a completely inane question about inheriting an elephant, and them smugly adds, “This is a Harvard Business School question”.
I asked him if he went to Harvard, and if not, how would he know if I answered it correctly?
Along interface2x’s vein…
“I don’t wave to random people on the street, cause what if they don’t have a hand. They’ll think you’re bragging. ‘Look what I got mother fucker!!! This thing’s useful!’”
- Mitch Hedberg
While talking to my mother, I mentioned a former colleague called Stas.
She said ‘What’s Stas short for?’
Thinking of another Stas, whom I loathed (and I believe the feeling was mutual), I automatically said ‘Fuckhead’.
And then turned scarlet.
Knowed Out, it sounds like you know a lot of people with no sense of humor.
I had worked for 14 years managing hi-rise office buildings. In my first interview in the land of school busing, I was interviewing with the VP.
It was a very low-key interview, we talked about the job, the company. In the end, he asked me if I had any questions for him.
“Yeah Sal I do - what in the hell makes you think I can do this job? I know jackshit about school buses”
I got the job anyway. Later he told me he liked me right away when I made fun of his sweater with the little snowmen on it.
Yeah, that was a pretty casual workplace.
A young lady and I had recently started dating but not sleeping together yet. One day she and I were talking about how sexual compatibility was just as important as anything else in a relationship. We started talking about our turn ons and and what we find sexy. Now basically everything she mentioned she liked I was into because I’m a freak like that.
I didn’t want her thinking I was just agreeing with her to get her into bed so I told, “Yeah I’m basically into anything as long as my partner is enjoying herself. Except for pedophilia, I’m not really into that.” Which of course is to say I’m not into it at all and I don’t even know why I brought it up as most normal people never even talk about that as a turn on.
We both kind of went silent after that and kind of lost the mood.
I was once in an Albertsons (grocery store with lots of market penetration in CA; part of the Osco/Sav-On empire) and asked an employee about the application/hiring procedure.
Employ: Well, you fill out an application online, then if we like it we hire you on a probationary period of a few weeks.
Me: OK! I better consult with my probation officer, then.
I couldn’t tell if that was a “funny laugh” or a nervous laugh I got out of her that day. I did not apply to Albertsons.
I’ve known two Stases (Stasi?). Seriously, it’s short for fuckhead.
This is a mild one, but since it just happened I appreciate the chance to get it off my chest. It was an intraorg interview so I do already know these people.
Prospective Big Boss: So, is there anything you heard from others in the earlier interview groups that has you concerned? Or did you say anything that you think might concerned them?
gigi: Oh, I never say anything to concern others.
:o Yeah, we chuckled a little but I know it might have been a tad…flippant?? (But also kind of true–I play the part of Miss Noncommital McGoodnatured.) Then I spun in into some answer about some vague issues I know they are already aware of. Ugh. I hate interviews.
Oh, like gigi, I am so happy to have an opportunity to get this off of my chest!
I was at a bar, around 4 last Friday. I like the bar, it is in fact the only bar that I have ever hung out at alone and felt safe and comfortable. But I knew that some people I didn’t want to see would probably be coming in later.
I’ve also recently realized that I’m actually kind of cute. Like, really kind of cute. So with a drink in my hand and caution tossed to the wind, I picked up a guy at the bar. Let me say this again. I picked up a guy at a bar. This has never happened before in my life. I looked around, chose a guy, and got him to come over and buy me a drink and talk to me. My confidence level was through the roof!
Naturally, I stayed too long and the people I didn’t want to see showed up. And among them was the woman I really didn’t want to see, because I have a thing about people who will tell your secrets as soon as they become good gossip. I totally ignored them. Until it was time to go, and I had to walk by them to get to the bathroom. And back.
And then I did it. First I asked her to have a private discussion - nothing doing. Then I mentioned the secrets/gossip thing. She had a flip answer. So I called her a bitch. Loudly, in front of everyone. And then I walked away.
OK, I know it was rude and inappropriate etc etc, and I apologized the next day, and the day after that, so anyone who wants to play Miss Manners can look elsewhere. And she is a bitch.
I was examining a patient in the hospital and as I was pulling down the covers to check her legs, I said “Let’s have a look at your feet. Still got two?”
Then I remembered that she had been admitted the month before for an infection and ended up having one leg amputated. Luckily, she wasn’t too upset.
Many years ago, my then-girlfriend’s step-sister announced that she was getting married. To a guy in the service she’d known all of 3 months. My GF decided that we should take her out to dinner to celebrate, for some reason. While at dinner (about 10-12 people in attendance), some proposed that we toast the engaged couple, and I blurted out “To the first of many!”
Shocked silence all around.
Later though, most people there can up to me and told me how funny it was.
The stepsister? Divorced…
I was helping my girlfriend shop for used cars last year. We went to one dealership and were looking a 4-door sedan. The salesman, from India I believe, opened the doors and trunk and was showing us how roomy it was. I remarked to my girlfriend, “Wow, I bet you could fit 3 or 4 bodies in there!” The salesman never cracked a smile.
I was chatting to one of the girls from work- a bit of a rough and ready type in her early 40’s I guess.
She said how she would like to find a young lover.
I blurted out “Well, you won’t have any trouble finding someone younger.”
Her language was incredible.