Background:
I finally stopped going to church several months ago, after years of trying in vain to force myself to believe the unbelievable.
I explained to my wife and kids why I was quitting church, but also promised that if my kids decided for themselves that they wanted to go, I’d take them.
Today my daughter said she wanted to go to church (after some encouragement from her church-going grandmother).
I really didn’t want to go, but I’d made a promise, so after double and triple-checking that my daughter really did want to go to church today, I took her off to Sunday school.
I had planned to wait in the car and do some work, but a church friend came out to the car park and urged me to join him in the adults’ Sunday school. He’s a nice guy, and I didn’t want to be a jerk, so I went into the class, where everyone made a big deal of my grand return to the fold.
The lesson was about the influence of the holy spirit and how God gives us personal revelation to direct our lives. Several people shared anecdotes that sounded to me like simple coincidences and confirmation bias (and some which just made God seem like a petty dick), but they were clearly meaningful to the people sharing them.
It was awkward as heck for me, but at least the teacher (also a friend and very nice guy) didn’t direct any questions to me.
The thing is, I used to be a Sunday school teacher. I’ve been a missionary, a ward mission coordinator, a youth leader, a priesthood leader, so I know what it’s like to be one of the faithful, but now I’m on the other side of the fence, and it just seems so hollow to me now. I won’t ever go back to believing, or trying to believe. That was just causing me misery. But I know that the members will keep praying for me to come back and will keep trying to bring me back, with friendship and guilt. I’ve been there and I’ve done that myself, so I guess it’s karma.
My daughter said she enjoyed her Sunday school class, but I hope she doesn’t want to go again next week.
Well, she’s my daughter, so I feel a responsibility to take her if she wants to go.
Also, if I asked one of the members in our neighbourhood to take her, I’d worry that it might become a regular thing and something that would be used to try and bring us back into activity.
Your daughter wants to go to Sunday school. While I’m not personally religious myself, I don’t see n issue with taking someone to a service and picking them up again if they are unable to go for some reason. I don’t force my atheism upon others just as I don’t want their beliefs force upon me.
Be a good father and take your daughter where she wants to go.
Not Carlson, I think it’s great that you are allowing your daughter to seek out her own beliefs, even though you don’t share them. More Dad’s like you in the world, and we’d all be better off. So, in the big scheme of things, your transportation issue is a small one.
First, stop attending the adult meetings if they do not suit you.
Then, drop your daughter off, then pick her up: depends how old/independent she is, I suppose.
Or, attend the service wih her: certainly won’t kill you, and would be another good example that a belief isn’t wrong, simply because it isn’t shared.
In short, Bravo on being an open minded, supportive Dad.
Welcome to the fold, Not Carlson. I can tell from your post that we used to attend the same church. (There’s actually quite a few of us former members who post here.)
Anyway, I think you have made a wise choice in agreeing to take your daughter to church, but a poor choice in allowing your friend to bustle you into the Sunday School meeting. You have to set boundaries and start enforcing them. Attending this pointless meeting aggravated you and made you very uncomfortable. There is absolutely nothing wrong or rude about saying to your friend, “You know, I just came to drop my daughter off. I’m just going to do some work in the car.”
They think they’re doing God’s work in trying to drag you back. You need to be firm, polite, and consistent. (I finally had my name removed from the records so I wouldn’t receive any more awkward home teaching visits, along with other reasons.) Good luck!
Good for you, offering to take her. Keep it up. Next time, when invited in, just say “No thanks.” If that doesn’t work, say “No thanks,” roll up the windows, and drive off.
If THAT doesn’t work, invite the inviter to your satanist meeting. Tell him he’s a perfect candidate. Let him ponder what that means.
I told my kids that although I didn’t want to see them grow up in the church and suffer the same anxieties as me, I would respect their choices. When I was growing up, my own father, while allowing me to participate in church, made his disapproval known very strongly. Although his influence was a big factor in my eventual rejection of the church, I think his overbearing attitude (along with the gentler approach of my very devout mother) actually contributed to my determination to keep the faith for so long.
I don’t want to be such an overbearing influence in my children’s lives should they choose a different path to me.
As for the members of our church, there are actually a lot of who I really like, and I miss shooting the breeze with them on Sundays. But I know that any interactions I have with them now will be marked by an undercurrent of earnest concern, motivated by the belief that they have a duty to bring me back into the fold.
Erdosain, thanks. You got it. The lingo and the earnest chasing after “less active” members are a bit of a giveaway.
I’ll keep taking my kids as long as they really want to go (and not just to please grandma), but I might do as you suggest and take myself off for a drive while they’re in class.
I don’t have a kid myself, so take what I say with a grain of salt. IMO, letting her go to church is like letting her hand out with the heroin dealers at the crack house up the street.
I’m sure the OP feels differently. But at the very least you should talk to your daughter about what she was “taught” and just ask questions. You don’t have to preach to her about the evils of religion or tell her she’s not thinking clearly – just get her thinking about the implications of what they’re saying. Let her figure it out, but make sure that she learns something about healthy skepticism and critical thinking along the way.
Well, after all, they have to save you from eternal damnation.
Sigh.
Hardly a valid comparison, since you wouldn’t find priests at the local Baptist church. Seriously, though, while I think it’s silly to perpetuate mythology as unquestionable fact, it certainly isn’t as socially debilitating as a drug addiction.
Right! And don’t make the questions too critical or leading, because kids aren’t stupid; she’ll suss you out in no time and come to resent your questions. Instead, be honestly curious and accepting, as hard as that may be.
You can keep taking your kids, but you can also talk to them about religion at home. After all, as you well know, they are getting a one-sided view in Sunday school.
Show them some of the contradictions. Talk to them about when the Bible was written. Read to them from the parts that the Sunday School teachers skip.
I never prevented my kids from going to religiously oriented things with friends because I didn’t want them to think it was forbidden and therefore attractive. Happily they are both logical, saw religion as nonsense, and grew up as good atheists.
which is what he is doing…
Seriously, though, while I think it’s silly to perpetuate mythology as unquestionable fact, it certainly isn’t as socially debilitating as a drug addiction.