Surviving Christmas Day
Everyone hopes that this year Christmas Day will be different. Uncle Charlie will have sworn off the booze and accepted that Bush is president. The two Aunts who had the “little tiff” last year about some long forgotten disagreement will have at last forgotten. Your sister’s kid, the one with career criminal written all over his face, will be feeling unwell and won’t have the energy to break your kids’ stuff. Ben’s brother will have worked out that it’s best if “Ricky the Regurgitator” eats away from the main table. No-one will say “Now that’s what I call a turkey.”
Some Tips.
Get out the mug shots of the family. Since the kids can’t behave well all day, give them a good scare about the relatives to avoid. “Yes son she is fat…and she sits on naughty boys.”
Warn the children that if your parents criticise your parenting they will be staying with Grandma and Grandpa for the rest of the holidays. Grandma and Grandpa miss the rough ‘n’ tumble of kids running through the house.
Prepare the leave early excuse, so that later you can say “Remember I said…” Ideally the excuse should make you look stupid or putupon to avoid investigation. “When we were leaving I dropped the house keys, so we’ll have to get home before dark or we’ll be locked out.”
Being seen to be drinking too much is tacky, secretiveness is essential. The designated drinker should fill all their hipflasks. Don’t worry designated driver, next year it’s you turn to be medicated.
After finishing the Christmas meal quickly begin to shoo people from the table and clear it. If people attempt to talk about the meal nip it in the bud “Ha, ha don’t talk about that spread I’m too full to think about it.” This is because you require a 45 minute gap from the last manifestation of food before people forget that you had a meal. Leaving this break prevents “shame you have to eat and run” comments.
I hope my fellow Dopers have more tips we can share.