My cactus always can sense when I’m about to leave on an errand. His spikes perk up, and he starts looking thirsty. I always tell him where I’m going (“I’m going to the store. I’m going to the bank.”) and that I’ll be home soon. He’s very calm and mellow. He seems to accept my comings and goings, but he’s always deliriously happy when I get home. Do any of you reassure your houseplants when you leave? I know he doesn’t understand all of my words, but I talk to him in a calm, reassuring tone of voice when I’m about to leave, and this seems to make him happy.
Will you believe my mother did it for a while? She stopped on the day when she did it in front of Dad and he asked whether that was supposed to be some kind of idiotic joke or was for real, because if it was for real he was getting her an appointment with the doctor…
Having her last line as she left be “and remember to water the plants!” when she left us kids alone was bad enough, but seriously, for a while she’d go plant by plant talking to them before finally grabbing her handbag, opening the door and saying “and remember to water the plants!”
The last time she asked how come none of us have plants, we explained it was sheer jealousy. It’s hard, growing up with a mother who seems to give more of a shit about whether her geraniums are properly watered than about whether her kids are beating each other up…
No, but then there are about 300 of them, so it would take too long.
I know you think you are being oh-so-clever, but pet people have nothing on devoted houseplant people when it comes to obsessiveness and pure goofiness.
Get over yourself.
Seriously, man, we get it. You don’t like animals.
Sometimes parody threads are smart and insightful. Sometimes they’re amazingly stupid. This is not one of the smart ones.
I thought the imagery was kinda cute. Such a happy, contented little cactus.
Actually, the spine thing is their way of saying “Don’t water me, goddamit! I’m a fucking cactus!”
Well, he sure looks happy to ME!
Yes, this is stupid.
I talk to my animals, the cats and the dog and the giant rabbit, because the tone of my voice has informative content for them (except maybe the rabbit, for whom etiquette-mindful body language is pretty much it). I could firmly tell my cat to get off the table or, I suppose, I could growl and make hissing noises at him. I could tell my dog that I love her and missed her while I was away, or I could make happy yelping sounds and roll around on the floor or whatever it is domesticated dogs expect (I love my dog but I’m not much of a dog person). Frankly talking to them in English makes me feel much less silly than any alternative methods for interacting with them.
It’s also a proxy for talking to myself when alone and working, which very much helps me think. Would someone like to ridicule me for believing that cats can understand econometric techniques for addressing endogenous sampling? That would be just as dumb.
The one time I didn’t tell the plants when we were coming back, we returned to find the ficus fucking the philodendron.
I know this is supposed to be a parody, but I do talk to my houseplants.
I talk to them in babytalk, call them my “little green friends” and ask them if they’re thirsty before watering them.
Not sure what that says about me, but it can’t be good! 
Jeebus, prr, just change your dating status to “No Pets Allowed” and move on with your life. Making fun of other peoples preferences and habits is not going to get you a date and it’s not making the rest of us Dopers think you are witty, wonderful, and wise.
Anyone who says anything bad about you, Isabel8, tell 'em they have to fight with me. I won’t tolerate people making fun of you for talking to your houseplants. Stay strong!
It’s a lot less easy to take you seriously when you say you don’t hate pets and they aren’t a deal breaker for you WRT relationships when you post stuff like this.
Honestly, I’m starting to get why his dates spend so much time talking to their pets.
You mean you’re not supportive of Isabel8 and Nava’s mom? Why not? It makes them feel better to anthropomorphize their houseplants, so why all the hate for houseplant-lovers? Where’s the harm in houseplant-love?
Depends on whether its in addition to, or a substitutue for.
(bolding mine)
One of my cats doesn’t seem to be able to pick up on the tone of my voice when I tell her to get off the table or my computer desk. (Well, if I yell loud enough she’ll get down, but it seems to be more a reaction to the volume than the tone.) However, if I growl or hiss at her she immediately jumps down to the floor, runs a short distance away, then looks back at me. I’m not sure what I’m saying, but it works and that’s all I care about.
I have four plants at my office, and they all have names. I water them last thing before I leave on Fridays, and while I don’t talk to them out loud because my coworkers all think I’m a bubble out of plumb already, I like to send them reassuring plant vibes that will last through the weekend.
At home I do talk to the cat and my two killer attack goldfish. I find that fish make the best audience for when you just want to piss and moan because they can’t tell you to shut up or go wander off to use the litterbox or anything.
F-