One communication situation that I don’t thing I’ll ever going to find a ‘correct’ solution to:
Injured Party: Why did you make that mistake?
me: I was slightly drunk, tired, in a hurry, forgot X, overestimated my abilities, overlooked Y, was too lazy and arrogant to check Z, then did not dare ask you because you were so busy. Injured Party: Do you really mean to say it’s not your fault? You are even trying to shift the blame to me :mad:
me: I did just answer your question
For example, once a driving instructor almost tore my head off after I had duly reconstructed in detail the lapses that had almost made me kill the two of us. Some people seem to be incapable of distinguishing between an explanation and an excuse. To me my answer in the above example sounds like being totally candid about my mistakes - to the other party it does not.
Are there better way to deal with that question than to answer it?
Good question.
I had an answer in mind prior to actually reading your post (yeah… I’m bad about that kind of thing), but upon further review, I’d say that you were “damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
If the other party is part of the complex web of events that led to the mistake, then pointing out their role in that will rarely be a good idea.
But, just saying “Ooops… my bad” is somewhat lame in my opinion.
How about, “It won’t happen again, chief!” with the appropriate Agent 86 voice, of course.
Adding to this, the “correct” response is to accept blame for whatever aspects of the mistake over which you had control, and then describe what steps you are taking to ensure that the mistake will not occur again.
Injured Party: Why did you make that mistake?
Me: I didn’t make a mistake. I did exactly what I intented to do and recieved exactly the results I wanted. I can’t help it if you don’t understand why or don’t find the outcome beneficial to you.
Being drunk or tired is not a good excuse. Don’t even bother.
Not paying attention, overestimating your abilities – these are understandable and don’t require detailed explantion. “I messed up. I’m sorry. How can I make it right?” If possible suggest what you can do to avoid making the same mistake again. E.g., if you forget appointments a lot, maybe you need to set a timer on your watch or make a daily to-do list.
If there are mitigating factors that the IP should know about, a brief explanation is reasonable. “I was holding the map upside down.” “I thought you said sprocket, not socket.” Assuming it has been established that you did indeed make a mistake, this explanation should be short and followed by: “My bad, sorry.” A longer monologue is likely to step into blame-shifting territory. “I thought you said sprocket, not socket–you do kind of have a lisp” is not going to win you any points.
I try not to promise that it will never happen again because–let’s face facts–it will. My character flaws are few but they run deep.
All of life is a exploration, trial and error, for all of us. Sometimes we make choices that don’t seem to work out, other times the do. I have been hurt by others in the past on their life journey, and I blame them not, as I too am on the same journey, and will get hurt and hurt others in the process. I want you to know that hurt against you was never intended and want you to know that I am sorry that you did get hurt and hope you can move on.
Okay, here’s what is happening - they do not want an explanation; “Why did you do that?” and “How could you do that?” and “I can’t believe you just did that!” are rhetorical devices that all mean “You are a thoughtless, or malicious, or dangerous person.”
The proper response is, “Do you want an explanation, or an apology?”
If they say. “I want an apology!”, look at them with exhausted but still smoldering gorgeous brown eyes, and say:
I have been caught many times by the excuse v. explanation people. I think they are born that way. They really don’t want to hear the reasons something went wrong, no matter how valid. Any reason or explanation you might give them, they brush away as an “excuse” If you counter with, “I’m not making excuses, I’m explaining what happened and why” they will get angrier. You may even lose your job if you keep trying to figure out the chronology of what went wrong and why. Explaining that X led to Y and then was complicated by Z, and could have been prevented if A, B, and possibly C were in place, or saying that you just forgot, is not enough. They really don’t want to hear why something went wrong…they just want you dead and gone.
You’re taking the question too literally. More often than not, a question like “Why did you make that mistake?” is a demand for, not an explanation, but an apology. So the proper response is to take responsibility and to express remorse and a determination not to do it again.
Though I can’t think of any actual examples right now, it’s a minor staple of comedy when someone responds, inappropriately, to an exasperated exclamation of “How could you do such a thing?!?” with a matter-of-fact description of how he did, in fact, do the thing.
