How do you usually handle a mistake you can't fix?

I made a bit of a screwup recently. It was not much in the big scheme of things, but something didn’t turn out as well as it could have due to my mishandling, and someone close to me was probably mildly annoyed. It can’t be fixed now.

I have a hard time with this type of situation. My dissatisfaction with myself seems to linger in my mind, like some sort of unfinished business that I don’t know how to complete. Nothing really seems to make it go away. I just try to avoid thinking about it.

Is your experience like this?

Absolutely…I’m sure I don’t have to think too hard to remember quite a few of these. The best you can do is sincerely apologize to anyone who was hurt and move on. It’s a cliche, but everyone makes mistakes and you are sincerely trying your best. And you have a lot more chances to get things right in the future. I have to actively remember the many things that went fine to somehow outweigh the mistakes.

I had a semi-major screwup at work today. I’ve found (after spending many years trying to desperately think of excuses or otherwise cover up my ineptitude) that the easiest thing to do is just come right out and admit it. I called my boss and said “Hey, I F’d up today”. I told him what happened. It’s not like we don’t all do stupid things occassionally, so I don’t really let it bother me anymore. I probably won’t commit that particular goof up again, since it caused all kinds of problems and I’m not likely to forget about it, but I assure you I’ll be making another goof up sometime in the not too distant future. Admitting it up front I find to be the fastest way to get it behind me.

  1. Own up to it immediately and apologize as appropriate. Trying to hide it, or being perceived as letting it slide/blowing it off will come back to bite you in the ass very hard someday.

  2. If you can’t fix it, see if there’s anything you can do to mitigate it (“I’m sorry that we lost your dinner reservation but here’s a coupon for a free meal next time”).

  3. Sit down and honestly think about what didn’t go right and how that problem can be avoided next time. It might be as simple as “I forgot to put the due date for Project X in my calendar so I missed the deadline. From now on I will put the due date for everything in my calendar immediately so that doesn’t happen again.”

Everybody has screwed up before (and will do so again), but how you handle it makes a world of difference.

Learn from it, so that it doesn’t happen again.

Other than that, don’t think about it too much. There’s nothing you can do, so ultimately you will have to let it go.

Valgard’s list is excellent. To it I would add:

  1. Forgive yourself. This is at the heart of letting it go and moving past it. We’re all human and we all need - and usually deserve - forgiveness. Forgiving yourself and others goes a long way towards making life enjoyable.

Yes, my experience is very similar.

First, I would suggest that you actually focus more attention on it rather than trying to avoid thinking about it. Try to place the event in some perspective. Recognize that your dissatisfaction is with yourself. (Often, I feel worse about these types of mistakes than the person who is “mildly annoyed.”)

Do you think in phrases? Do you say to yourself, “There’s nothing I can do to fix this.”? I try to stop myself from using “intensifiers” — words and phrases that make a situation seem worse than it is. I also find it helpful to try to catch the various phrases that go through my head. If I catch myself thinking something like: “You always screw these things up and then there’s nothing you can do to fix them.” I try to catch that phrase and look at it reasonably. I don’t always screw things up. What does it mean to fix a problem? Everything can’t be perfect. Sometimes you just go with good enough.

Also, it’s not really your problem if someone else is mildly annoyed. Even if they’re downright pissed off about something you screwed up, if there really is nothing for it but to fess up, that’s all you can do.

A lot of this gets more difficult when I’m trying to ‘think’ it. I sometimes have thoughts that pass so quickly that they don’t even seem to be in words. If I write down particularly troubling events and why they are bothering me — sometimes even trying to write down those phrases — and then “write back” to them it really helps me, if only just to let it go.

By “write back” I mean writing down responses to intensifiers and other phrases. If you write down, “There’s nothing I can do to fix this.” You might write back “This isn’t beyond repair.” “I did what I could to catch the problem quickly.” “I try very hard to do a good job.” “The fact that I’m concerned about this demonstrates my desire to do a good job.” Things like that.

It might seem overly simplistic or even Pollyannaish, but it does help and when you tone things down even just a little, it makes it much easier to let go of those events that we all face.
Sorry if I rambled on a bit.

I used to get a little freaked out at work when things would go tits up, whether it was because of me or because of someone else, or because of something out of our control.

I learned to cope with it by just moving on. Not ignoring the problem but realizing whatever happened CANNOT BE UNDONE. Can’t change the past. So what now? Try to fix it. If it can’t be fixed, oh well, it’s all over. There’s really nothing else you can do.

This extremely cut-and-dry approach really really works wonders on the ol’ constitution. Problems roll off my back with ease now. I am extremely cool in stressful situations.

It’s all good.

Not to criticize your response, but this seems more like a personal attribute rather than a coping mechanism. I know some people who just don’t worry about things. I tell them about my responses and they say, just stop it. That’s easy, if you’re laid back to start with. Otherwise you may need to try something that’s specific to your own make-up.

Wiser words were never spoken.

If it’s any consolation, you can’t possibly be as bad as me

I find it impossible to forget any screw up – even ones not caused by me make me cringe.
And if in a given day I were to win $1000 but also lose $20 because of some dumb mistake, guess which event would occupy my thoughts more…

Hey, it feels pretty good getting this stuff off my chest. Freud was on to something :slight_smile:

Time. Accept that today you will feel badly about it, but tomorrow, it will be a little better. I had a horrid accidental IM exchange at work, was completely embarrassed, apologized profusely, felt like crap for the rest of the day, but I told my boss and his boss what happened, admitted I f’ed it up, and now the person I accidentally IM’d and I are fine.

We’re going to make mistakes. It’s what we learn from them that counts.

You can’t fix what’s happened.

If you can fix or otherwise improve the process that resulted in the mistake, look into that. Anything worth worrying over is worth thinking about how to prevent instead of just thinking “This is horrible.”

If you’re not going to be able to stop thinking about it, at least use that thinking time constructively. Having one mistake become your mental hobgoblin helps nobody.

As far as other people, I’m one from brutal honesty. Miss Manners taught me that being polite is something a way of being mean. Likewise, being honest is sometimes a great way to get out of trouble. I mean, once you’ve admitted that you fucked up, there really isn’t anywhere else the other person can go as far as blaming you.

Just put it out there…“I made a really stupid choice, and this is the result…” or “So I just didn’t do what was asked of me, and now I don’t have the result I was supposed to have…” The conversation will kind of hang for a minute, but then the other person involved will have to get over it and you can start working on the next step.

As for myself…

I have a saying: “Either it’ll be okay, or we’ll end up dead in a ditch.” Since I don’t think I’ll end up dead in a ditch, I usually comfort myself with the fact that it’ll be okay. I always look at what the worst possible thing that could happen is. Usually it is something that is kind of manageable.

The Mark Twain quote “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” also gets me through. When I look back at all the stuff I’ve freaked out about or beat myself up about in the past, it turns out pretty much none of them amounted to anything.

Screwing up is very normal. It should not be a big deal for you to admit it.

I’ve found that the more confident you are in your skills, the easier it is to admit a mistake. You know this was bound to happen and you know you are still doing exceptionally good work, regardless of the mistake.

I would man up to it and concentrate on not making the same mistake again.

I’ve massively screwed up so many times it makes my hurt to think about it. Losing friends really sucks, especially if they now hate you and have some fairly legitimate reasons for doing so. I have a couple of those.

Anyway, I try to be honest about the screw up. Honest, and apologetic to those who deserve apologies. I also freely accept whatever criticism they have to sling at me. It’s about the best I can do. If I get a chance to make amends of some sort, I do it.

Ask yourself “If I knew the outcome, would I have done this anyway?” You’ll be amazed at how many times the answer is “Yes.”

Remember: Everybody has problems in their life all the time. If something can be fixed with money, it’s a small problem. If it can’t, it’s a big problem.

A lot of good advice have been given here by the others.

The point of Confessing Right Away goes hand in hand with Accepting Consequences.
We are the sum of our triumphs an errors.

If its minor, i hide it. If its major, I own up to it and try to help fix it.

Each situation is different though, so it has to be judged on its own. Its a sliding scale from “I accidentally used more toilet paper than i should have” to "I accidentally burned down your house while your wife and kids were sleeping.