How can I get over the fear of growing old and dying?

[MoodIndigo1]

For a while in my life, I was afraid to die. When I was 8 years old, I said my prayers every night, convinced that I would not make it to the next morning. My grandfather, who lived with us, died when I was 4; my father died suddenly when I was 5; my mother got sick and we, the children, went into foster care. I remember fearing for her life every day.

Later on, the fear eased off slowly. Then there was another period in my first marriage, after my husband died suddenly at age 38. I remember once waking up screaming “Non! je ne veux pas mourir”.

But then, life got better again. I married again (and am now going through a divorce). My son grew up, he’s a great guy. When I hit my 60s, that fear had faded to almost nothing. The only fear I have is that I will die and leave things a mess for my son and his wife, but it’s a minor, manageable fear. I am sorting through stuff in this house now, in order that things be simpler when I do die.

On the whole, I’ve had a good and interesting life. I’ve loved, been loved, had a lot of sex, done things I’ve enjoyed, muddled through others that I didn’t enjoy. I’ve spent a lot of time listening to live jazz, going to the theatre, concerts. I’ve travelled, though there are still many parts of the world I’d like to visit. I’m close to my son and my siblings. Most of my friends were older than I am, and many of them have died. I still have two very good friends, but one of them retired in Europe, so I haven’t seen her in a while. The other lives in Montreal, we are very close, I love her and her family.

This is a boring enumeration, I know. I do feel serene about life now, lucky to be alive, to have eyes open on this wonderful universe. BTW, I’m 66 years old.

[MacCat]

@Scharzcha

I may not be close to the age of OP but I too am freaking out about growing up and death in general.

I’ve always thought about death and hoped that before my time came, the secret of eternal life would have been discovered. Though not looking so good, I really have come to terms with it. Nobody, no matter how wealthy, powerful, talented, brilliant or beautiful has avoided death. I consider that no matter the perfect life someone has, when they die, I am better off than they.

Life is for the living. As an atheist, I believe I’m alive because one particular sperm cell beat out millions of others to one exact egg, ancestor to ancestor to ancestor back through time immemorial. Greater odds than any conceivable lottery, I always remind myself to appreciate that I ever existed, and not lament that I will die like every other.

I know for some, life is a horror and death a relief. Even worse, for many it doesn’t have to be that way but for greed, selfishness, cruelty, ignorance and other human failings. In my opinion, human quality of life has been on a downward spiral for decades and I don’t envy what young people are facing.

I actually had this conversation with my daughter tonight who is seriously worrying about the health of her daughter, the health of her Mom and the likely imminent death of her last grandparent. As difficult as they are, these all should be okay and when compared to what others face, she did express a lift in mood and determination to persevere.

Life can be the most absolutely wonderful gift, barring unfortunate circumstances, if appropriately appreciated.

@MoodIndigo1

I do feel serene about life now, lucky to be alive, to have eyes open on this wonderful universe. BTW, I’m 66 years old.

Well said. 66 too, maybe we’ll see Chefguy

[Mijin]

The thing is, it’s perfectly rational to have a fear of ageing and death (well, if by “fear” we mean dread and resentment, rather than running around screaming fear).

It sucks.

We’re used to the idea that someone will deliver some positive way of looking at things, where we’ll see it’s actually great or at least fine that our lives have a small time box, most of it spent in decline. But it’s BS. Such messages simply don’t stand up to scrutiny.

However, just because there is this negative aspect to life, doesn’t mean life itself has to be negative. Or, just because we have a physical decline, doesn’t mean the quality of our life has to follow the same decline.

IME It’s never too late to reinvent yourself and find new interests.
A friend of mine started salsa dancing, for the first time, when he retired. He and his wife enjoyed it so much, they danced several times a week, and are now so good they get paid to do performances. They’re currently on a cruise ship, teaching salsa.

Sure, they’ll come a time when they can’t do that any more. But that’s life. In the meantime we extract as much pleasure out of it as we can.

[Zeldar]

Some 55 years ago as a high school theme project I chose to analyze the poem Thanatopsis. A few years later I did another analysis of the sensory imagery in it. As a by-product of that analysis I adjusted my attitude toward death and dying to the ideas in that poem.

Since those days I have lost both parents, a wife, several older relatives and a few close friends. Each death reaffirms my conviction that the things expressed in the poem work for my own sense of appreciation of what death really means. Long ago, about the same time as my interest in the poem was born, my concern for an afterlife went away.

If some of that same sense of inevitability and an acceptance of it can reach you, I believe it will help your fears and dreads.

[usedtobe]

I’m 64 and watching my kidneys fail.
Which wouldn’t be so bad - at least it’s an end to the constant pain of osteoarthritis.

Funny how these things balance out.

I’m nearly at nearly lethal levels of pain killers + sleeping pills every night - I always expected I’d be a suicide, but I never thought it’s be accidental. By the time last night’s drugs wear off, it’s - well, see post time. Time for bed.

Learn to enjoy what you can and appreciate that nothing lasts forever.

[MacCat]

@Zeldar

Some 55 years ago as a high school theme project I chose to analyze the poem Thanatopsis. A few years later I did another analysis of the sensory imagery in it. As a by-product of that analysis I adjusted my attitude toward death and dying to the ideas in that poem.

Thank you for posting this. I’d long forgotten my reading of it, but it probably directly influenced my thoughts on the topic. I more than occasionally pass by Cedarmere, usually while working and being my work is related, I always take notice for the beautiful setting. I was by there yesterday and took particular interest because I had recently seen this photo while researching the historic Motor Parkway, a particular passion of mine. Now with your mention of Thanatopsis, my rereading of it, and the skimming of the Cedarmere link I posted above, I will most definitely visit.

Only as I’ve gotten older have I become more interested in history, especially local and more personal. I read an article in the NY Times (yesterday?) regarding nostalgia being an emotional positive as opposed to previously being considered a negative. I think all these tie into my comfort level regarding acceptance of mortality, as does this very discussion.

@usedtobe

Learn to enjoy what you can and appreciate that nothing lasts forever.

Interesting post and user name

[Hari_Seldon]

I’m 76. I like Leonard Woolf’s title: It’s the Journey not the Arrival that Matters. Being dead is like going to sleep and not waking. That part’s okay. But I greatly fear being incapacitated and unable to care for myself. My children are all far away and don’t visit very often. Their lives are full of their children. My wife is 75 and has the same fear. We keep reading about eldercare abuse. People left lying in their own shit for hours, even sexual abuse. Loss of autonomy frightens me a lot more than death. I keep thinking about moving close to one of my kids, but the lack of medicare in the US is a big deterrent. One of them lives in Boston and his wife is a doctor, so maybe Romneycare is the best solution until (and unless) Obamacare comes in.

[Soylent_Juicy]

I’m crowding 40. I lost my best friend in 2008 to a sudden and aggressive cancer when she was 38 years old. That was when I decided that Life Is Too Short and I began checking things off my Bucket List. Sure I’m about $30,000 in debt right now but I really don’t give a rat’s ass - I know that when my time comes I will have lived my life to it’s fullest.

I have 2 items left - one will be completed in October.

Then the rest of my time here on earth will be a bonus. I can relax, pay off the trips and enjoy the rest of my life with my wonderful husband.

I joke that I live my life in such a way that when I get to Heaven and meet God I’m going to say “Thanks man! That was awesome!!”

Death can come at any time. You can’t be afraid of it. You can only treasure the precious time you’re given in life.

[RTFirefly]

@Stoid

Among those who have actually had a problem with the fact of getting older and dying, who have had anxiety around it, (vs. those people who have always been pretty much at peace with it, and I’ve found over the years that there’s a remarkable number of you, lucky bastards) if you are over 50 and most especially if you are well over 50, as in 60, 70 and up… how are you feeling about it now? Do you find yourself taking the attitude that every morning when you wake up it’s a gift and you feel great about it, or are do you have a building dread or deepening depression about the fact that what remains of your life is shrinking very rapidly and your turn is almost over?

I remember getting a bit depressed back around my 50th birthday because, to me, it marked the point when, inarguably, there was less road ahead of me than there was behind me.

It took a few years to get over that, but it happened.

Part of it was the simple realization that, OK, maybe there are more years behind me, but there are still in all likelihood 20-25 good years ahead for this 59 year old, and that’s a long time. Eventually the body will start going, but in my family, people live long and keep their wits about them. I expect that by the time I’m past 85, there will be even more good tech around than there is now to ease the life of a geezer and make the remaining years worth living.

Also, I’ve got a not-quite-6 year old son. He keeps me pretty well anchored to the now. I don’t have time to dwell on aging.

[Bam_Boo_Gut]

It’s the only certain thing in your life! People say ‘if I die’ … what’s that all about? You will die, we all will, I find it comforting. I’ve had a couple of near death experiences though,maybe that helps - not that I’d advise getting into any.

[Loach]

@Stoid

Among those who have actually had a problem with the fact of getting older and dying, who have had anxiety around it, (vs. those people who have always been pretty much at peace with it, and I’ve found over the years that there’s a remarkable number of you, lucky bastards) if you are over 50 and most especially if you are well over 50, as in 60, 70 and up… how are you feeling about it now? Do you find yourself taking the attitude that every morning when you wake up it’s a gift and you feel great about it, or are do you have a building dread or deepening depression about the fact that what remains of your life is shrinking very rapidly and your turn is almost over?

I’m 46. My father died at 61. His brother at 51. My mother’s sister at 43. Cousins in their 40s and 50s. So yeah I think about it.

On the other hand I am in good health and I had a grandmother who died at 104 and tons of relatives who lived into their 90s. It seems like all or nothing in my family.

I have had some close calls. Dealt with people who would kill me as soon as look at me. I think about what it would be like. I think about how it would effect my kids and my girlfriend. But one of my strengths (and sometimes weakness) is I don’t dwell on things. Overthinking possibilities can paralyze you into inaction and depression. Most of the time I live my life as it comes.

[Nava]

@Zeldar

If some of that same sense of inevitability and an acceptance of it can reach you, I believe it will help your fears and dreads.

I hadn’t encountered that poem before, but you summed up why I’ve never had a problem with death; whomever explained it to me also explained that it was inevitable, and apparently my younger self was very good at not worrying about what she could not change. Pity I grew out of that wisdom and it took years to get it back!

[chargerrich]

I am only 44 and have in the last couple of years really focused on my health now that I realize I wont live forever.

I do see signs almost every day that my mortality is no longer that distant nebulous miasma that my children think will never happen to them (and that all of us once also believed).

I also have had in the past few years extreme if infrequent near panic attacks at night thinking I might not wake up, that I could die at any moment. This all started about the same time as a very close friend who was extremely fit, a vegan and who cycled and ran iron man’s like a religion…died at 37 of a heart attack. Then my mother who was an alcoholic and smoker died at 60 not so unexpectedly. Less than a year later a family friends 4 year old daughter succumbed to brain cancer.

Flash forward a few years and my wife and I live healthier and have a near 3 year old daughter to keep us feeling young and motivated to live long, but I know that life is precious and most of us wont get a second chance.

All I hope for at this point is to see my daughter grow up happy, graduate from college and cure cancer anything after that is icing (also would not mind getting some of the hundred of thousands I will have paid to social sercurity back before I kick it!)

On a lighter note… I, as a non religious person (at all) but my wife being very religious… often tell her that IMO I have just as much chance at being reincarnated as some rock star, oil baron or bunny rabbit as I do living on a cloud in the kingdom of heaven.

[NoraP.Neffrin]

I feel you. After a certain amount of time enduring pain the hope begins to erode. I thought about death since I was a child…it is natural to some degree. It was in vogue then, to say a child’s fear of (his) parent’s death was really some kind of inverted fear of the child’s own anger toward them. Could be true in my case, I guess. The actual death of my mother did not settle the matter in my heart or mind. As I age–and more people I know pass-- I’m less convinced in some of eternal soul. I believe the “energy doesn’t die-just changes form” theory, but I know one of my friends would have contacted me by now from the other side, if there was one. Everyone living well is offering the best advice. Used To, please don’t die…I don’t even know you but that makes me sad.

QUOTE=usedtobe;16458343]I’m 64 and watching my kidneys fail.
Which wouldn’t be so bad - at least it’s an end to the constant pain of osteoarthritis.

Funny how these things balance out.

I’m nearly at nearly lethal levels of pain killers + sleeping pills every night - I always expected I’d be a suicide, but I never thought it’s be accidental. By the time last night’s drugs wear off, it’s - well, see post time. Time for bed.

Learn to enjoy what you can and appreciate that nothing lasts forever.
[/QUOTE]

[TreacherousCretin]

@Leaffan

My motto is worry about the things you have control over, and don’t worry about the rest.We’re all going to die.

@Bam_Boo_Gut

It’s the only certain thing in your life! People say ‘if I die’ … what’s that all about? You will die, we all will, I find it comforting.

We all die sooner or later, and considering how many people have already done so, I figure “how hard can it be?”

[MoodIndigo1]

@MacCat

Well said. 66 too, maybe we’ll see Chefguy

That part of your response, I didn’t get.

I read your post with great interest, MacCat, my feelings are pretty much the same as yours. I was raised in a religious environment, and I saw what comfort people got from their faith when faced with questions like these. Still, I am no longer a child, and after a very long quest for truth and meaning, the only honest conclusion I could come to was clear: I am now an atheist.

Trying to know our universe, creating art and music for others to carry with them, searching through science for ways to make our life more comfortable, our vision of our world broader, treating each other with kindness and compassion … those are all pursuits, each person`s humble, but very important, brick in the wall.

[Ulfreida]

@Rushgeekgirl

I was eight when I realized what death was. Elvis Presley died, then my grandpa, then my dog Rusty. Probably all within the space of a week or so, given my age and short attention span. I remember being found outside in the back yard crying over the whole thing. It’s one of the few clear and distinct memories of my childhood.
It wasn’t long after that I had my first panic attack, thinking I was dying of a heart attack while laying in bed one night. I have had them for 32 years since. I feel like everything is moving too fast. My life has been so short and really, honestly not very satisfying. I hope I make it to the point of contentment.
It’s gotten much worse lately, especially since I hit forty. My mom died at 49 after being ill with congestive heart disease on top of other health issues. She killed herself by not taking care of her body. My body is much like her body was. For 40 years I haven’t taken care of my body so I’m a bit frantic now about it. And it doesn’t help that there is so much conflicting advice about how to stay healthy. And I just feel like I’m rolling downhill really really really fast and I haven’t anything to hold on to. The past 42 years have gone by so fast, and yet I can barely remember any of it. And suddenly, after years of claiming “I have no regrets!” I am FULL of them. I just feel like it’s too late to go back and change anything, but everything I’ve done has set me off on this cycle I can’t get out of. I need more time! I love life, despite all the regrets and pain, and I just don’t want to go. I’m afraid I will be kicking and screaming so much toward the end that I won’t appreciate what time I have and I’ll give my family bad memories. I want them to remember my quirks and silliness, not the terror in my eyes and the desperate clinging when there’s no hope left.

So yeah, I got issues too.

Actually the predominant advice about taking care of yourself is not conflicting. Moderate exercise, regular health checks, fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains, time to relax, habitual activity that you feel contributes to the general good, and staying in touch with supportive friends. Also, get in the habit of flossing.

It sounds like meditation or yoga would help you.

[MacCat]

@MoodIndigo1

That part of your response, I didn’t get.

Sorry about that. Chefguy is one who’s proud of his 66 years and I always enjoy his posts. My response to you above is the first time I’ve revealed my 66 years.

I read your post with great interest, MacCat, my feelings are pretty much the same as yours. I was raised in a religious environment, and I saw what comfort people got from their faith when faced with questions like these. Still, I am no longer a child, and after a very long quest for truth and meaning, the only honest conclusion I could come to was clear: I am now an atheist.

Trying to know our universe, creating art and music for others to carry with them, searching through science for ways to make our life more comfortable, our vision of our world broader, treating each other with kindness and compassion … those are all pursuits, each person`s humble, but very important, brick in the wall.

A wonderful attitude and so good to hear. Like so many here do, you’re restoring some faith in humanity for me. Cheers!

[Ulfreida]

I don’t have a sunny personality, so I am not necessarily going to be any happier than this, but I did have the experience in late middle age of mysteriously letting go of some intractable issues. My abused childhood, for example. Years of therapy could not accomplish what age has done for me.

Also, I find I am far more at peace with how differently I have to organize my life than most people (way more alone-time, lots of recovery time after any stimulating experience whether pleasant or unpleasant).

I also have let go of almost all my worldly ambitions as the ones I accomplished turned out to be rather empty. No glory for me. Way more peaceful. Also, I am (medically inexplicable so far) chronically exhausted now, which turns the dial down on your goals big time (hey, I did ALL the laundry! Plus I didn’t have to cancel any appointments with lame excuses! What a great day!).

I traded energy and unthinking health for a lot more peace of mind. I’m okay with that.

Death really doesn’t worry me at all. Life is plenty worry enough.

[chargerrich]

I often wonder if having a TRUE and almost BLINDINGLY loyal faith where you are absolutely 100% certain that you are going to (insert your idea of heaven here) is the best way to go.

I almost think the burden of knowing you are just going to become fertilizer and cease is the hardest… and I admit I am a little jealous of that.