How can I get over the fear of growing old and dying?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

One of our whippersnapper dopers is freaking out over growing up (he/she’s 23).

I’d like to ask pretty much the same kinds of question of our much older dopers. I’m 53. I consider 50+ the “dying half of life” for the obvious reason. I understand intellectually, of course, that I could die in the next moment, and that that is always true, but there’s no arguing the fact that it becomes much more likely the older we become.Not to mention the fact that some major aspects of a rewarding life become less available as we get older, impairing the search for joy as well. (Sex, movement without pain, energy)

Among those who have actually had a problem with the fact of getting older and dying, who have had anxiety around it, (vs. those people who have always been pretty much at peace with it, and I’ve found over the years that there’s a remarkable number of you, lucky bastards) if you are over 50 and most especially if you are well over 50, as in 60, 70 and up… how are you feeling about it now? Do you find yourself taking the attitude that every morning when you wake up it’s a gift and you feel great about it, or are do you have a building dread or deepening depression about the fact that what remains of your life is shrinking very rapidly and your turn is almost over?

Do we have any active Dopers who are in their late 70’s, 80’s, 90’s? I am most especially interested in what people who are living at the upper end of a lifespan are going through.

I was deeply moved by the story of George Dawson, who obviously lived life fully every single day, and I hope to be like him.

FTR, some of my anxiety around the whole topic has eased for me in a very organic way that makes sense and gives me hope that by the time I have to really face the fact that my turn is really ending, I will be genuinely at peace with it. While I want to live my life to the fullest until it ends, I don’t want to go out kicking and screaming, either. So I hope I will be happy with each day right through my last, and I’m always conciously creating that for myself as much as I can, and this is part of it.

By the way, this is the one and only thing I’ve always envied about people who have a deep and unshakable belief in the afterlife and that it will be positive. And I happen to think that the desire to be at peace with death is 99% of WHY so many people have a deep and unshakable belief in a positive afterlife, but that’s a different thread in a different forum.

(For the psych majors: I’ve been freaked about death my whole life, and in a very disturbing way, I’ve been counting off my life since I was a child in a manner that has always felt very similar to the way one counts the days of a vacation or summer break:

Age 12 - well, right now it’s Monday of my weeklong holiday, I’ve got all week ahead… Age 20, well, it’s late Monday night. Age 30…still only Tuesday, five long days stretching in front of me before I go home. Age 40. Wednesday…Sunday night looks a lot closer. Age 53…wow, it’s already Thursday afternoon? And it has been a drag. I have no idea why I’ve always been like this, but a good friend tells me that she was there when I learned about death as a small child and she remembers that I fell apart for two days, my mother wouldn’t let me come out and play because I was such a wreck over it.

Of course now I understand, intellectually, that death is almost certainly the end of the conscious self of Stoid so once I’m actually gone it won’t have any suckage because I won’t exist to experience being dead- but that’s still really only an intellectual understanding, not an emotional one. In my gut I feel like death will be the world’s most miserable post-holiday Monday ever.)

2

I’m 65, and no longer have time to read such a lengthy OP.

3

You may think you won’t experience being dead, but that last minute of life could seem like true eternity. Time is not experienced in a linear way. Good times move fast. Bad new takes the slow train.

4

Here’s something that may be relevant:

Donny Hathaway was a very talented Emmy-winning singer/songwriter of “soul” music. He and I were both born on the same day. But Donny Hathaway took his own life in January 1979, at the age of 33.

I think back at my life, and think about what if it had ended when I was 33. I had experienced a lot by then, but only a fraction of what I’ve experienced, and done, in the years since then. If I had thought that there was nothing more to live for, that my best years were behind me, I couldn’t have been more wrong. My 33-year-old self would be amazed at what my life has been since then . . . all the places I’ve traveled to, the people I’ve known (especially my partner, who I didn’t meet until I was 42), and an entirely new career. In fact, most of this has occurred since I turned 50.

Oh sure, the older I get, the more age-related challenges there are. But the “best years of my life” are the 50+ years, including things that I couldn’t even imagine when I was 33. And I have some great plans for the future as well.

Donny Hathaway didn’t know what he was missing.

5

I’m older than you and the prospect of dying doesn’t worry me one bit. I know I will go, but I have never woken with any sort of thought “this could be my last day- I will capitilise on it”. I wouldn’t have time for that sort of thinking.

So, I plan holidays in the future, I think of meals for the next few days. I will be here- if I’m not, I haven’t lost anything.

6

I’m 38, so I don’t quite have the perspective the OP’s looking for, but it’s something that I dwell on quite a bit as well: How to come to terms with my own mortality.

Here’s my conclusions, and at least two of the more popular outcomes is basically good news:

  1. If there is no afterlife, then all you’ll ever know is life. You won’t know you’re dead, so what’s to worry about (except the transition)?

  2. If there is an afterlife (although, it’s not looking good), then all bets are off, but my assumption is whatever this plane of existence might be, it’s a more cosmic and “eternal” place of rest and peace. Heaven, so to speak. Unless, of course, it’s eternal hell.

  3. “It’s LONGER THAN YOU THINK!!! LONG JAUNT!!!”

7

Just wait, it’ll work itself out.

8

Well, they say the best way to get over your fears is to confront them. Exposure therapy.

9

“Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying.”

10

This.

I think what you’re experiencing is a common feeling for people reaching the age of 50. I went through it, and I remember Bill Clinton, David Letterman and Tom Brokaw all talking about how they really become aware of their mortality when they reached that age. In other words, it’s a phase. :smiley: (And you thought you were done with those, didn’t you?)

You’ll come to grips with it eventually (and probably within a fairly short time), and then you’ll begin to view your mortality in a more matter of fact way. And you’ll most likely start to live with an eye toward making the most of the time you have left, which in turn is likely to make your life more full, interesting and enjoyable than it has been in the past.

11

Several great philosophers have said that whatever you will be after your death, chanches are huge that it will be very similar to what you were before you were born. And no-one has bad memories of that time in this life, do they?

As for the second half of your life, well, the science of psychologycomes to the rescue. Your question has been researched extensively. The fear that life after 25 is a black hole is just that, a fear. Research shows otherwise.

So Stoid, things are looking up for you! If you are past 50, the deepest part of the U-shape is over and you are about to enter happier years.

Other studies show that happiness is remarkably the same throughout a persons life because it is largely dependent on their personality.

So the good news is that you are quite likely to be no less happy, personalitywise, then you have always been. And while we can’t reverse the clock, we can change our personality, skills and habits to some extent. So we can even improve our chances at happiness a bit.

12

I was eight when I realized what death was. Elvis Presley died, then my grandpa, then my dog Rusty. Probably all within the space of a week or so, given my age and short attention span. I remember being found outside in the back yard crying over the whole thing. It’s one of the few clear and distinct memories of my childhood.
It wasn’t long after that I had my first panic attack, thinking I was dying of a heart attack while laying in bed one night. I have had them for 32 years since. I feel like everything is moving too fast. My life has been so short and really, honestly not very satisfying. I hope I make it to the point of contentment.
It’s gotten much worse lately, especially since I hit forty. My mom died at 49 after being ill with congestive heart disease on top of other health issues. She killed herself by not taking care of her body. My body is much like her body was. For 40 years I haven’t taken care of my body so I’m a bit frantic now about it. And it doesn’t help that there is so much conflicting advice about how to stay healthy. And I just feel like I’m rolling downhill really really really fast and I haven’t anything to hold on to. The past 42 years have gone by so fast, and yet I can barely remember any of it. And suddenly, after years of claiming “I have no regrets!” I am FULL of them. I just feel like it’s too late to go back and change anything, but everything I’ve done has set me off on this cycle I can’t get out of. I need more time! I love life, despite all the regrets and pain, and I just don’t want to go. I’m afraid I will be kicking and screaming so much toward the end that I won’t appreciate what time I have and I’ll give my family bad memories. I want them to remember my quirks and silliness, not the terror in my eyes and the desperate clinging when there’s no hope left.

So yeah, I got issues too.

13

Getting close to fifty. :wink:

I’ve watched nearly all my older family die in the past 15 years. My mom has lost both her sisters. My grandparents passed and their sisters/brothers. Several cousins have died. Worst of all was losing two second cousins (age 18 & 20) in two separate car wrecks a few years apart. I babysat both of those kids and the loss hurt a lot.

Up until 1988, Thanksgiving required a big house and two dining tables.
Today it’s only five adults at Thanksgiving. :frowning:

Yes, I think of death more frequently. The grave plots were purchased years ago for my parents and my wife & I. I hope they won’t be occupied anytime soon. :smiley: But, I can do the math. Thirty years from now… Well I won’t be posting on the Dope.

14

I just happened to re-read "Cautionary Tales” by Larry Niven last night.
If you’re not familiar with it, it’s in the collection “Convergent Series.”

Go to the library and read it - it’s only 10 pages or so.

15

I’m not afraid of growing old myself, I’m afraid of my parents growing old. I’m 24, my dad is 70 and my mom is 63. My dad is a smoker and an alcoholic who looks more like 80 because he’s spent his life doing manual labour in the sun. His liver and/or lungs could stage a mutiny any moment now which scares me, but I think at this point I could cope with his passing since I’ve been ready for him to pickle his liver since I was in elementary school. My mom is obese and sedentary. Life would throw me the curveball of my mom dying and my dad surviving forever. If I lost her I’d probably go crazy - like, mental institution crazy. She’s my rock and my best friend. I usually have a nightmare about one of them dying at least once a week.

16

This may not be much consolation, but I used to feel a lot like that. I used to think that I couldn’t live without my parents and have a lot of anxiety and dread about what would happen when they died. When my worst fears came true and they really did die (both died by the time I was 26), yes, it was very sad, but I didn’t go crazy or self-destruct. Yes, I still think of them and I definitely would prefer to have them here, but life does goes on. Outliving your parents is the natural order of things, and most people have to deal with this sooner or later…and most of us do get through it okay. When the time comes you will probably realize you are stronger than you thought.

17

I am 68. The thing that bothers me most at this age is that I tire out standing and walking and can’t travel on my own in Europe as I would like. At least I made it to Paris before everything gave out. And I guess I could hire a beast of burden. Of course, Icould start getting some exercise.

When I was in my twenties and thirties, I used to wake in the middle of the night with the terrible thought, “I’m going to die someday!” It terrorized me. Now, although I’m not wild about the idea of moving on, it doesn’t bother me that much. And here’s why:

People that I love have died or are dying. My father was the youngest of seventeen children. All of them are gone. And all of their children are gone. I have no grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no parents, no siblings left. I have distant cousins on my father’s side and first cousins who do not live close by on my mother’s side. My nearest relative that is in contact is one hundred miles away and his is on hospice care. A niece and a nephew live a thousand miles away.

I haven’t seen two step-children or grandchildren in years although they live nearby. They needed a babysitter and transportation. When that ended, so did the phone calls and visits and invitations at holidays. One step-child who lives away calls a couple of times a year and that is much appreciated.

But we have many friends and we are not lonely. Some of my old buddies – I went from grades 1-12 with the same small class – have become to “shuffle off this mortal coil.” When you lose certain people, life just isn’t quite the same ever again – even though you can still be happy.

I’m very much a Twentieth Century person and I know that. I try to stay up to date with the news and involved with my club, I just don’t understand what a lot of technical terms mean. It’s awful not to be in-the-know. So while I am not wanting to go, being alive is not quite as sweet to me as it was. And that’s okay most of the time.

My mother, on the other hand, was terribly in love (and very much loved back) for the last ten years of her life. She was like a young woman in that aspect. She died at the age of 97. Her sweetheart died five months before she did.

And when my husband is away, I still look at the clock looking forward to his return. We’ve been married 25 years.

I hope this helps to give you some perspective. I think that a lot of older people have similar feelings.

18

Zoe, I’ve recently taken up bicycle riding. It has been an unexpectedly whole lot of fun. It’s freeing, enjoyable and really takes you back to your childhood, although modern bikes with their gears and things make it much easier to pedal than the bikes of our childhood. It a very fun way to exercise and without changing my eating habits I’ve lost around twelve pounds in the last two months, and it really builds up the legs. I’d bet that after a year or two of biking you could walk anywhere you want, and maybe sooner than that depending on how much you do.

And thanks as always for your friendship. :slight_smile:

19

Yes, this aging is difficult.

I am 85, and my DH is 91. We’ve been married over 64 years. Most of our relatives are gone, including one of our sons. Our other son lives nearby and keeps an eye on us. We also have four grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren. Two of the grandchildren still live close to us and we see them regularly.

So many of our friends are gone now, and that is a sad thing.

However we are working on living as long as possible and as healthily as possible.

About 11 years ago I started to make myself more healthy. I worked at losing some weight, and managed to shed over 65 lbs. My DH has also lost some weight, right along with me. :slight_smile: It isn’t easy losing weight as a senior citizen, but it can be done.

We are also eating a healthy mix of good foods - veggies, fruits, whole grains, lean meats. We exercise regularly, mostly by walking. I’ve also joined Curves for Women.

It’s not that we are afraid of death, dying is a part of living, it’s just that we really want to put it off as long as possible. :slight_smile:

20

You go, JoThrive!