That’d be a topic in and of itself, lol.
This would totally not work on me. I don’t like talking about myself. I find my self rather boring. There are hundreds of subjects I find more interesting and would rather talk about than my self.
So, when I first read that book and encountered that advice, I wanted to call BS on it. But I have since found that it is true of some people.
Some people like to talk. Those are the easy ones to have a conversation with, because they’ll do most of the work. All you have to do is give them the opportunity to talk, and listen to them and respond to them.
But one thing I had to learn—it probably seems obvious to other people, but at one time it wasn’t to me—is that it’s not enough to listen to someone. You have to let them know you’re listening. It’s not like listening to the radio or a lecture or something, where all you have to do is hear and undestand and process what’s being said. In a conversation, you have to give some feedback (verbal and/or nonverbal) that you hear and understand: nod, maintain eye contact, summarize what the person said, ask questions.
FWIW the best book I know on how to carry on a conversation is Alan Garner’s Conversationally Speaking.
In a thread full of good advice, this stands out for me. At a party, if the conversation falters after a couple of minutes, you’ve done your bit with that person and can move on. What you need in fact is a good exit line: “Christ, I really need to pee!” or something like that.
Listen to what the other person is saying. Ask more questions based on what she or he has already said. Don’t try to be interesting. Be interested.
If you use that line, don’t just turn around and start chatting with someone else without making your way toward the bathroom.
What’s the most interesting thing you’ve found on Wikipedia?
Ask people questions about what they are saying. If you know things about the topic insert it. Try not to interrupt people and apologize when you do interupt them, but on the occasion where you get into that, “You speak, no you speak.”, you should take the initiative and speak, otherwise you will never speak. But you should also let others speak, particularly if you think what they are saying will be more interesting that what you are saying.
Say things that augment what others are saying. If you agree with someone build on their statement for no longer than 5-10 seconds, and let them carry the ball from there, it’ll engender warm feelings in them that you agreed with them but maintained their status as the focal character.
Don’t worry about being the focal character in a discussion. If it becomes you at some point then go for it, if it’s not then no matter. This will allow you to look like a nice an empathetic sort of person, and when it comes your turn to talk you won’t sound like you were straining to get a word in edgewise.
Use I statements sparingly. Try not to use the words I and ME most of the time. Generally it’s understood that you are speaking for yourself so you don’t need to point it out. These statements draw attention to your ego, and that can be stilting in conversation. Let your ego relax and just flow with it. Sometimes you want to interject your ego, at this point your sparing use of I and ME will make them more potent when you use them.
Last but not least, don’t speak if you have nothing to say. But if it’s awkward you can interject a pleasant, “That’s interesting, I didn’t know that.”, or some other kind of thing. That shows that you were listening and that you care about what they were saying, but you don’t have anything to add. There is no reason to lie to make someone feel better about their conversations, so don’t agree with them if you don’t agree with them.
You shouldn’t do it more than three times. Three times will establish it in your memory and establish it in their memory that you know their name. People like it when you know their name it’s very important to them, it’s the first step in knowing them. I have a common first name that is spelled oddly, so people who know how to spell my name always have a place in my heart. It shows that they paid attention.
So no, don’t repeat their name ad nauseum, but you can do a little ritual of repeating it three times.
Like this:
‘And you are?’
‘David’
‘David?’
‘Yes, David.’
‘It’s nice to meet you David.’, shakes David’s hand with eye contact.
have a conversation
‘It was nice meeting you David’ eye contact
“No, we haven’t been able to have kids” accompanied by hangdog look. Experiences like that make me walk on eggshells!!
This is my problem too. I tend to feel like I need to “entertain” the other person, when in actuality, I should be facilitating their talking. It’s just that I hate to talk about stuff like, “so how many kids do you have?” and the usual…
I’ve seen people doing the “mirroring” thing, where you mimic the body language of the other person to convey interest, but it looks forced to me.
I wish we had an SDMB practice chat room.
We do.
So what did you want to be when you were seven?
“I told you my name was David!”
Eight?
Heh. Have you ever noticed that people always want to be older than they are, until they turn 21, then they want to be younger?
[Chipper Voice]
OMG that is soooo true!
[/CV]
At what age do you think people start looking forward to getting older, once they’re past 21 of course.? If at all. For retirement benefits and such.
I’m 23, 24 in two months. I usually answer “24” to the “how old are you?” question because I’ve already made that switch over in my mind. I suspect I’ll be telling people I’m 30 during my entire 29th year.
I do the same thing, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to getting older; just that I’ve (slightly prematurely) internalized the fact that it’s happening.
59.5? Where do you plan on retiring? Myself, I’m thinking somewhere with beach access. Do you like the beach?
Do I like the beach? Do I look like some sorta freak? I love the beach. But I refuse to move to Florida when I retire. I don’t like the idea of moving to the place to die (you can obviously tell I’m still quite young lol). I’m gonna be a hip old person. 
What are your thoughts on Florida beaches versus others?