Our local County Attorney is a rather short, quiet-voiced, very pleasant woman.
She has been underestimated by a whole lot of people, who have ended up having their assets handed to them on a platter.
Like a couple of rich-boy republicans who’ve run against her. And a fair number of the big-name local defense lawyers who’ve come up against her in court, and suddenly found their clients heading off to long terms in prison.
She’s quite willing to let people continue to underestimate her at first. By the time they realize they should be respecting her, it’s generally too late for them. But they sure remember it for the next time!
You might point out to your petite female friend that this can sometimes be an advantage to her as a prosecutor.
I am 5’2" and while I probably outweigh the OP’s friend by a few curves, I am still quite petite. People routinely underestimate my age, too. I have been baffled by all the anecdotes in this thread (and elsewhere) about small women being treated like dolls or children, because this has not happened to me since I was 15. Nametag seems to have hit the nail on the head with this list of body language cues. I am the kind of woman descibed above, and didn’t even think about it until now. Of course, I am not the lady-like personality noted in the OP, either, but I can play the part.
The OP’s friend does not have to cultivate The BitchTM to be respected. These cues are registered on a subliminal basis for most people, and in my experience, only the very observant can tell when they are cultivated. Her colleagues and new acquaintances will simply realize she’s not to be pushed around, without realizing that she is making some conscious changes to her behaviour.
And for the inappropriate touches, she can probably find a marvellous way of telling people that “this is my dance space, and you are not invited.”
How much “space” does a person get, anyway? A year or two ago a poster on some gun thread was going to “pop some caps” on me if I invaded his 20 foot zone. Sounded a little exreme to me.
Ahhh, Petite women. Not too many of them around. Not to be confused with skinny.
Short answer, her style. Clothing and haircut set the tone. That’s what I cue off of, particularly at work. If she is ungodly cute then there isn’t anything she can do to avoid ALL the hound dogs. I’m going to give her a second look no matter what she’s wearing. An air of self-confidence is a must for any women.
Anybody that just grabs her and kisses her needs a knee in the crotch. Doesn’t have to be anything more than a tap.
Absolutely. She needs to learn to command respect. I have a client who is TEENY tiny, 4’10" IIRC. She’s so small, airbags are actually dangerous for her, she has to have them disabled on her vehicles.
However, she has such a no nonsense air, that I’ve neither seen, nor can I imagine ANYONE not taking her seriously. It’s all in the attitude.
So people have presence, they just have an aura that commands respect. Other people don’t have it. Men, women, tall, short, whatever. Other people project comfortableness, or goofyness, or freakyness or potential axe-murdererness, or whatever. But people who try to portray something other than their natural nature don’t do it right. It always comes off as wrong. And people who try certain actions to seem powerful just piss people off. Not only do they not get real respect, they get active resentment.
I don’t have a good suggestion how to fix it. It sucks, but people judge instantly based on impressions, and treat other people that way. If she tries to act intimidating it will come off as comical, and people will laugh behind her back.
On the otherhand, the position of always being underestimated and overlooked is a very powerful position strategically, and a lawyer could use that to very good advantage. Don’t conform to counteract to the idiocy and assholetry of people, use it against them.
There’s something to be said for this, but especially given what she does for a living, it would be nice if she had more colors of crayons in her box. The self-defense classes are a good idea just because they give such a direct experience of physical effectiveness. But less involved methods could be helpful, also, like weight training (which is a particularly good idea for us teensy women with small bones). Or watching movies and shows with very physically empowered feminine protagonists (Alien, Buffy, Alias) - cozy on up to that internal Amazon! I also learned how to shoot a gun. Not a little pistol, but a semi-automatic Glock. I don’t carry one around with me or anything, but people never think I’m as small as I am, and when they start looking like they’re going to do something unacceptable, my “Are you out of your fucking mind?!” gets results. My girlfriend says I’m the scariest when I get Real. Quiet.
I tried to read through the thread before posting, but it got really repetitive, the farther down I went. However, I’m making one or two new suggestions, and endorsing others. FWIW, I was a hair under 5’8" when I was younger, have always had erect posture (Thanks, Mama!), and internalized the Native American “Blank Features” before I was old enough to realize it. I have rarely had problems of any sort, unless I was wearing “inviting” clothing, which Ms. Petite, Esq., apparently doesn’t realize matters as much as it does, for any woman who is even marginally attractive.
[ol]
[li]She should consider wearing pantsuits to work. It may be difficult for her to make a concession WRT clothing styles, but it is nearly always a very important part of a professional woman’s persona. She wouldn’t have as high an opinion of a male colleague who wore less-than-professional garb into the courtroom or office, would she? If she refuses that idea, she should at least wear longer skirts. If a person wears clothing that reveals one or another of their attractive features, s/he is calling attention to that feature, whether s/he realizes it, or even if s/he rejects it. Respect from others is a direct product of how they see you, and not of how you see yourself.[/li]
[li]She should very seriously consider taking martial arts classes. Aside from the fact that they are clearly an excellent means of maintaining fitness, they also change attitudes. Once you know you can destroy an attacker, you stop looking like a potential victim to any potential attacker, whether hostile or “merely” overly-friendly. It doesn’t matter in the least whether the aggression is physical or verbal. One poster recommended learning to shoot. That will work, but many women don’t find it an appealing method. Besides, when you’ve learned a martial art, your “weapons” are always with you, and can’t be taken and used against you by another person.[/li]
[li]There are physical mannerisms that several others have mentioned, including ending sentences in a rising, questioning tone. Absolutely verboten for any professional woman who wishes to be respected by her colleagues and her subordinates. Another is having a self-deprecating smile quasi-permanently pasted on one’s face. Still another is eye-contact. When you look another person “square in the eye,” you can hold their gaze. It’s not possible for them to be looking in your eyes and gazing appreciatively at “physical assets.”[/li]
[li]She should get at least one of Suzette Haden Elgin’s books on Verbal Self-Defense. Haden-Elgin is a Ph.D. in linguistics who also writes SF, so anyone who decides to read her stuff, looking at Amazon or ABE or Half.com should be sure the title has “self-defense” in it. She might also consider buying a copy of Lois McMaster Bujold’s A Civil Campaign or Komarr. Those are novels, but each contains multiple considerations (from the POV of another character) of how this or that character achieves an effect on others. Not to mention that Bujold is a superb writer. :)[/li]
[li]She could also take an acting class. Drama instructors teach their students how to convey not only emotions, but also any given personality. This works, even better than taking a public speaking course (which she presumably doesn’t need, if she’s a successful attorney). However, she should look at how some of the “star” attorneys behave, both in court and among colleagues, and think about how she can adapt the things she admires in them.[/ol][/li]
Please feel free to give her a printout (of my post, at least). I would not mind in the least if she wished to contact me (using the email button in my profile. And I would try to be helpful, though if she follows all the above, she should have no further problems.
That’s a completely different issue in my mind. Nobody should ever get self-defense issues, whether it be martial arts or guns, confused with respect issues. Danger and security are one thing, and the issue of not being respected are a world apart. I am a strong gun rights supporter, and one of the things that concerns me most is people wanting a gun while in the mindset of wanting respect. The whole idea that gun knowledge or possesion can make you more formidable is very dangerous. A gun is a tool only to be acknowledged, or more siognificantly used, in the most extreme of circumstances. And if that changes the way you act or present yourself in anyway then it is not a simple issue of gaining respect. I am absolutly not saying that self-defense capability isn’t desirable, only that it should never be associated with the issue of gaining respect.
wolfman mentions men. Boy, do petite men have problems being taken seriously, same as or more so than women. All except for the sexual advances, that is. Quite the oppositei fact. Whether that difference is good or not, I’m not sure. But the OP’s friend might take some comfort in the fact that small men tend to share most of her disadvantages.
“Napoleon complex, my ass” say’s my friend Ron, who’s about 5’5" on a good day.
Not all people are the same and as such won’t be treated as such. It seems like your friend may not be treated like a ‘equal’ (I hate that term but it seems lie the best term I can use for this), at 1st sight, but looks like she can more then hold her own on different levels, those are the methods she should use to get respect. If she tryed to defend her ‘natural weak points’ she is fighting a lossing battle.
Your friend should first perfect the Look Of Pure Demonic Hatred. She should also master the Voice Of Icy Cruelty. There are times when the “don’t fuck with me” look and attitude are all that is needed.
The problem with the “carry yourself with confidence” recommendations, though I agree this is what needs to be done, is that most people don’t pay enough concious attention to their own or others’ body language to be able to effect this particular manipulation.
A really easy way to make people uneasy around you is to send deliberately mixed body language. Smile, but don’t use your eyes… or better yet, crinkle your eyes into predatory slits. Make apologetic noises, but close your hands and stand on the balls of your feet. I’d also recommend jabbing people in the ribs when they make inappropriate physical contact. Either a two finger or single knuckle… just a quick playful “Oh you!” poke, except for the fact that it can be really painful with a little practice.
I’ll agree that trying to act like something your not is a tough sell, but clothes and manners are not. If you walk into the room with poise and are smartly dressed, you will tower over everyone else, even at 5 foot nothing. How you walk says a lot about you. A self-confident walk has a specific tempo to it. Too fast and you look like a law clerk trying to get papers to Judge Kissmyass. Too slow and you look like a slack jawed yokel. And then there are the people who seemed to have hip displacement problems. When you walk, you tend to walk as you feel. If you shift into Katherine Hepburn mode you will naturally stand straight and walk with purposeful grace. It’s surprising how a good fitting suit makes you feel (not the obvious power suits either).
I used to have a similar issue. Not that I’m as small as your friend, but I am on the small side and look younger than I am. I also look very “girly.”
Some of the things I found out that were undermining my respect:
Trying too hard to be liked rather than respected.
Not standing up for myself when I was in the right–not that I had to be beligerant, but I was trying to appease people when I should have been firm.
Using way to much self-deprecating humor
However, I don’t know if your friend is doing any of these things. One suggestion for her is to find a woman that commands respect and observe how she handles herself then learn to conduct herself in the same way. It’s not always a matter of size or appearance. Those can be part of it, but how you handle yourself matters too.
She might also consider buying a copy of Lois McMaster Bujold’s A Civil Campaign or Komarr. Those are novels, but each contains multiple considerations (from the POV of another character) of how this or that character achieves an effect on others. Not to mention that Bujold is a superb writer. :)[/li]