How Can Women Develop Better Self-Images?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Thanks for the good responses, people. I realize taking on the media and big business is an uphill battle, but I still think there has to be ways that we can un-brainwash ourselves. It’s all so insidious, you know? I don’t even know where my negative self-image came from, which makes it all that harder to counter. Most of the time I feel fine and happy with myself, then I have a bad experience (seeing a picture of myself where I look huge, for example), and I have a day of “How can my husband truly not see just how fat I am?”

I’m not one for blaming my parents for my life, but in this instance, I think I’m going to give my mom some of the blame. She was on a diet all of my life, and at a very good-looking 60, she still talks about how she needs to lose 10 pounds, and how she shouldn’t eat this, and shouldn’t eat that. My oldest sister is about 30 pounds overweight too, and I go out of my way to tell her that she looks great, and she is a great person for the life she’s living, and that her weight is irrelevant to that. She doesn’t believe me.

Us ladies give each other lots of credit when we do lose weight, too, and I’m not sure that’s a great thing. “Wow, you look so great - how much weight have you lost?” Then when you gain it all back (like I have done, three times over), you feel like a complete failure. I think women need to stop focusing on their own weight, and we need to stop focusing on each other’s weight, too.

22

Jess2, oddly, your dad sounds just like my mom. One day, when I was, I dunno, something like 15 I waled out of the bathroom after taking a shower and my mom stopped and looked at me and said, "Look how scrawny you are. You have no chest. Why don’t you go lift some weights?"d

Thanks mom. She was the same way about grades and pretty much everything else too … bitch.

Well, anyway, I am once again forced to agree with FairyChatMom about what people need to hear that matters.

Just saying, “You’re hot” to my wife will make her feel like a million bucks for the rest of the day.

Mindset is not the only key - positive reinforcement by people you care about helps more than you might consciously be aware.

23

The hardest part of being a female is the fact that we are constantly inundated with the emaciated glamourous women who represent about …oh… less than .5 of the entire human population.

This .5 control not only the fashions, but, effectively our minds.

None of the fashions that have come along in the last 20 + years for me have ever fit me. I was certianly no porker, on the slim side in my youth, but I am short and have big shoulders and a waistline that defies sit ups. After two kids, the waist line is gone for ever with my ass in flabby retreat.

To be told by these faceless dictator’s that because of whatever is in fashion makes me look fat, just sucks the soul right out of a woman.

Men get fat, bellies lapping over their belts and *it’s okay * by them. If a woman

24

This seems to be the key thing that several posters mentioned. I don’t blame women’s low self image on the media. I blame it on the people around them who either accidently or on purpose convince them they need to be different. I think it starts at home when they are young children who think that they are not pretty enough, fast enough, smart enough, or good enough for their mom or dad and then just builds from there. Once you decide there is something wrong with you it is pretty easy to build the case that proves it.

25

This is a great thread.

I have to take care of things here first…you know…life stuff…

and I will try to give my heavy thoughts on this because it is something that niggles me quite a bit.

26

Well, hell…how in the hell did my mental brain fart of a post up there get there when I deleted it when I realized I didn’t have time to spew and the spewing was going off on a tangent that I didn’t want it to take?

Ignore it if you please.

27

Not ignoring that, Shirley.

I can’t speak for other guys, of course, but is most certainly not alright in my book. I used to be in great shape, but after an injury and spine surgery I am not really able to work out. Mingled with the inevitable slowing of my metabolism, I have put on weight in the past two years that I am not happy about.

My formerly rock-hard stomach is now a “belly.” I do not like this belly.

I do understand what it feels like to want to look good and be in shape. I’m still young and I don’t appreciate looking like a swine. Women aren’t alone in being annoyed with who they show on TV.

Look at all the hunks on nearly every show and commercial. It seems the only place where it is OK for the guy to be out of shape is in sitcoms where they are former stand-ups who now play “the dad.”

I admit it: I want people to think I’m good looking. I don’t want to be bothered by feeling a flabby goosh when I sit down and my new belly is pressed by my belt.

I’m done ranting for the moment.

28

I was taunted and teased (well, bullied actually) about some of my features that I got cosmetic surgery while I was young and foolish.

Changing self image is tough. It takes time. I see it as a life-long project.

Most important for me is to change where I put my attention. I focus my thoughts on what people like about me (I’m funny, smart, good-looking), and squash my thoughts about what people don’t like about me (I’m serious, foolish, not attractive to them). If someone is enjoying talking to me, I notice that they are choosing to be with me.

I also adopt a bit of “fuck 'em” attitude. It doesn’t come naturally, but I allow myself to feel superior to others who don’t like or understand me.

Now it helps to get good feedback once in a while. I used to ignore it or freeze up when I got a compliment. I used to say “Yeah, but ___.” Now I look them in the eye and say “Thank you. Tell me more.”

It’s a long process, but I’m am devoted to thinking well of myself.

29

Well - guess what - it doesn’t always work that way. I have been overweight all of my life (clinically obese, actually)- I finally took the weight off - and I still see myself as fat some days. Luckily, I still have perspective and know that I am not fat - but the people who develop eating disorders don’t have that. They never stop seeing themselves as fat - and all the negativity that goes along with it. Fat is an extremely ugly word.

We all have different distortions of how we see ourselves - we think of ourselves as hotter/uglier/smarter/dumber/uglier/prettier…than others would tell us we are.

Susan

30

Please excuse my gross generalization, but it seems to me that a lot of the men in the “fashion” industry are gay and being such, may possibly tend to not have the same opinion of what is attractive (to a straight man) in a woman. I’ve discussed this matter with many of my friends and the overwhelming majority of us agree that most models would be much more attractive with some meat on their bones. Same goes for actresses, singers, etc. In fact I am turned off by extremely hardbodied women and heroin-chic waifs. Seems to me being turned on by that sort of thing is a bit latent…I know, I know, different strokes…

Anyway, please excuse me if this offends any of you. I’m honestly not trying to be hurtful or denigrate gays or anything of the sort. Perish the thought! I simply don’t have the best words to describe what I’m trying to say.

:o

31

In my opinion it is extremely difficult for a person to “will” a change in their thinking, perception or behavior. A person’s thoughts are shaped by their surroundings and interactions and that in turn shapes their thoughts and that shapes their behavior/interactions and… etc. etc. around the mulberry bush we go.

I think in many ways this question is analagous to the nice guy plea of “Why don’t women like nice guys?”. The answer to this is usually “You lack confidence”. But you see, that’s the catch. How is he going to get confidence if he keeps getting rejected? And if he keeps getting rejected how is he going to obtain confidence? Confidence isn’t something you can fake easily.

There are a number of things that can go a ways towards improving self-image I think. The first is to develop a skill, talent or knowledge base. There’s nothing like capability for building confidence. Course, having read the SDMB for many years now, skill and talent is something that the Doper ladies have in abundance. No problems there. The second is an attempt to make yourself look better (whether that be a revision of your wardrobe, new hairstyle, whatever) combined with regular physical activity. I say physical activity rather than exercise since the primary reason (IMHO) to be active is to have fun and feel better about yourself NOT necessarily to lose weight. Studies have shown that exercise has powerful stress reducing and confidence building properties at a basic physical level REGARDLESS of the body type of the person in question. In this sense, it’s just a good thing to do for yourself, even if your shape doesn’t change (though it almost certainly will even if it’s not a drastic change). The third can be difficult. Care less about how people perceive you. This is hard to do. We’re social animals and it’s normal for us to derive a portion of our self-image from our interactions with others. When reliance on other’s perceptions is lessened self worth can be better gauged by internal evaluations. “How well am I doing?” “Am I following my own code of ethics?” “Am I meeting my goals?”… These sorts of questions do not rely on how you are doing compared to someone else, rather they they only take into account you and your capabilities.

1 year ago you could run only a 20 minute mile and this year it’s a 15 minute mile? That’s great! Who cares about your neighbor that runs a 12 minute mile? Didn’t understand a particular poem before, but now you have special insight? Awesome! Someone else’s degree of success (or lack of it) shouldn’t play a part in your self evaluation. It’s all about you.

Grim

32

**Gorgon **
I am very sorry to hear about your back problems and the surgery. That cannot have been an easy part of your life to endure. Physical pain and the mental anguish of being trapped in your body and the self doubt of “what ifs” are something we, as humans, should never have to endure, but we do, and I suspect it is to teach us compassion and humility. (Two things I soley lack.) Things that I learn about daily here from other members lives.

(How are you feeling now?)

33

Good sex is the answer, at least according to my little conspiracy theory.

Good sex is one of the best things ever. It is free. It is fulfilling. Even good solo-sex can be a rewarding and entertaining way to spend your time. Sex makes people happy.

But there are people who stand to benefit from people being unhappy. Nobody buys stuff when they are contented and fulfilled. To advertisers, good sex is the enemy. It keeps people away from the discontent and ennui that they need to cultivate in order for people to buy their stuff. So they work unhappiness into their advertisment. And what better way to make people unhappy with sex than making them unhappy with their body?

Thus they work unobtainably skinny-and-airbrushed people into ads- to keep people to anxious about their bodies to enjoy sex so that they turn to the product advertised instead.

So the best rebellion is to have the most joyful sex possible. Explore your body. Learn its responses. Play. Have fun that doesn’t cost money and doesn’t require anything more than yourself and a willing partner. Become open about sex. Talk about it to your friends. Refuse to be shamed.

34

Shirley thank you for your concern, but as you say, it’s something I’ve rather gotten used to. Nowadays I don’t eat very much and I do what few exercises I can, but nothing that can get me back into shape.

'Tis lamentable, but such is my position at this point.

35

As some one above stated, *you are looking for validation * and it comes, when you least expect it, and never as often as you expect. You will never stop looking for it, because, like crack, it is never ever good enough and never lasts as long as you’d like. It is addictive. Possibly the worse form, because if you cannot get it when you want it, it leads to more negative patterns later on ( drinking, eating, relationships, drugs) as it isn’t *your *fault. It is someone elses that they don’t get just how * wonderful * you are. Mama wouldn’t lie to me, would she?

So you listen. You watch. You talk. You explore. You try new things. You Go to new places. You try to ferret out the deep, burning answer that will make you a whole person.

Eventually from your patience, you pick up things from the oddest places, things that worked for this man, things that worked for this woman. Things that you read about that worked for other people. Things that other individuals went through. Things that complete strangers tell you in earnest. Things that you don’t dismiss as *another lecture from a parental unit * because this stranger has *nothing to gain * from telling you what worked for them. They tell you this of their own free will and hope that it will help you.

And after a lifetime of strangers crossing your path, all the little things they tell you, individually have the same message. * YOU, of all people, discover the great secret is: When you stop caring about what other people think about you and do the things you love and stick to the things that are your strengths and to not be afraid to ask for help on things that are your weaknesses, then you will come into your own. *Oh, and: be nice, practice tolerance, don’t shit in the well from whence you drink your water from, are just a sampling of the other things you learn too.

We are our own worst enemy and tend to believe all the negative and forget the positive.

Learning to find our own voice is possibly the longest lesson in self education that we will ever make. ( I’m still on page 1)

36

**Sven *…are you Mr. Ujest in the real world? :smiley:

Or are you selling dildoes in a home based sex toy business?

:smiley:

37

I’m not saying that everyone who works out will be skinny. That’s not the point. My point is there’s nothing wrong with trying to look your best, whether that be large or small. There are plenty of big people who look great, there are also those who look like they’ve given up completely. Big difference.

38

Stop watching TV and reading Cosmo, Mademoiselle, et al.

39

I have been thin all of my life, so just saying “go to the gym” doesn’t do anything for me.

I used to think I was the ugliest girl on the face of the planet. When I was in grade school, I was the outcast and was constantly teased about my looks and clothes.

When I went to high school, people started calling me “cute” even “pretty”. That helped a lot, but what helped me more was my own changes in self image.

Everyday, stand before a mirror for at least 15 minutes and tell yourself what you love about you. Even if you have to start with things like “at least I still have both my eyes”, this can really change your self-image.

Also, everytime you find yourself thinking negative things about yourself, immediately answer it back with a positive thing. Walk upright, smile, think happy thoughts. It sounds so cliche, but it really works.

If you have a signifigant other, ask them what they love about you and concentrate on that. You can also do exercizes together where you take turns complimenting each other. However, the key to being happy with yourself is liking you for who you are despite what others have to say.

Who cares if the world doesn’t find you sexy? It only matters that you find you sexy.

40

My point is that even those who are skinny don’t think they are - and that’s not the same as good self-images. I can walk in feeling like I didn’t dress well, and someone can compliment me - which can be a surprise.

What I am saying is that external does not always correspond to internal. Pretty doesn’t mean happy - any more than not so pretty means unhappy.

Susan