Women: What are the psychological effects of overemphasis on women's looks and sexuality?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I take it for granted that at least in Western societies, there is overemphasis on women’s looks and sexuality.

I would like to know what negative effects (especially in terms of women’s cognition, feelings and behavior) you have experienced or witnessed as a result of overemphasis on women’s looks and sexuality.

Since threads about gender have a tendency to take uncourteous and unconstructive turns, I would like to lay some ground rules to keep this thread about the negative effects you have experienced or witnessed:

If you would like to question the premise that, at least in Western societies, there is overemphasis on women’s looks and sexuality, please start another thread. There’s nothing wrong with questioning my premise, but doing so in this thread is likely to make it derail.

If you would like to discuss how men have it badly too, please start another thread. There’s nothing wrong with discussing how men have it bad too, but discussing that in this thread is likely to make it derail.

If you would like to go into depth about the causes or who deserves the blame, please start another thread. There’s nothing wrong with discussing the causes in depth or who deserves the blame, but discussing that in this thread is likely to make it derail.

It’s fine to discuss causes if it’s ancillary to discussing the effects. For example, you could say that you feel a certain way about your body after reading certain magazines because of the ads you see. Discussion of the causes in significantly greater depth than this will likely derail the thread. Again, there’s nothing wrong with starting another thread to discuss just that.

2

I have my hang-ups, but I can’t trace them to society’s overemphasis on looks etc.

However, it does bug the shit out of me every time a woman’s looks are mentioned before her other traits. And this happens all the time. Usually in a jovial, frat-boyish way, but it still is annoying.

3

Man here, but I have personally witnessed this phenomenon with people trying on new clothes (examples are hypothetical but typical):

Man, trying on new pants that don’t fit well: “The legs are too tight.” [Subtext: I need to get a bigger pair.]

Woman, trying on new pants that don’t fit well: “My legs are too big.” [Subtext: I need to go on a diet.]

4

I don’t really have any hang ups about my body myself, but I do feel the effects of the emphasis on women’s look that pervades society.

Like monstro said, often looks will be mentioned over any other trait. It is not uncommon to hear people say: “oh yeah, she’s the really pretty one, right?” where that would probably be less likely for men (personal experience, no cites).

When I was younger, older family members would often mention that I was pretty as something that was of importance, which they wouldn’t for my male cousins. My grandmother might even say: “you are so thin and beautiful”. It creates an ideal, it tells you, at a young age, what you are meant to look like and also that your value lies in being pretty and desirable. Obviously my grandmother meant well, she wanted to compliment me and give me confidence. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t be able to tell people that you think they are beautiful. But I think this was, by some family members, emphasised as an important characteristic, when for the boys it was more about achievements or intelligence.

I think it hasn’t scarred me or anything. It just bothers me, and I think other people might have been conditioned to equating their self-worth to the way they look as a result of similar treatment.

5

I can’t feel good about myself if I’m more than a bit overweight. I don’t know if this comes from societal pressure or something within myself.

When I see girls who are well put together, dressed better than me, thinner, or just more attractive, I almost always feel a twinge of jealousy. Objectively, I know appearance doesn’t have much to do with who you are, but I still get the feeling these girls are “better” than me.

6

I do think that it negatively affects my thinking–still at 31 years old, though less and less as I’ve gotten older.

I grew up with relatives eyeing me and saying “well, you’ll stretch out.” Then when I didn’t stretch out enough my dad would look at me darkly and say “we all need to lose some weight”. My mom would try to make in-jokes about fat chicks. This in a family that isn’t grossly overweight, just not naturally slender.

I grew up assuming that because I wasn’t slender, I was fat, and therefore couldn’t be pretty, so a lot of standard growing-up experiences couldn’t possibly apply to me. My parents pushed me into all kinds of sports and music lessons but never suggested dance. My mother made it clear that I couldn’t wear bikinis because I had too much of a belly. I wore baggy clothes because I was too fat for the stylish fitted ones (biker shorts in 1988, bodysuits in 1993, babydoll tshirts in 1996). I did not go out for any sports because I was fat and therefore not an athlete. There were no boyfriends. There was no prom. My pervasive conviction that I couldn’t have these things because I was too fat to deserve them became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In college I got over it. I lost a little weight and felt good about myself, without my parents around constantly suggesting that I shouldn’t. Men were happy to bonk me, but about half who did found it necessary to comment that I was one of the larger women they’d slept with (at the time I was 5’6" and 160 pounds). In my early twenties I gave up on that, got myself a much older boyfriend who was never going to marry me, and began dressing like a spinster–long skirts, bulky sweaters, no makeup, and hair tied back in a tight bun.

I got over that a second time when I broke up with the boyfriend. This time while I was feeling good about myself and dressing attractively I managed to get a husband and get married. Then I had a baby. Now that I have given life, I don’t give a flying f*** what those selfish and self-absorbed kids think about my body. I have stretch marks. Get over it.

7

I am normally somewhat dismissive of these kinds of concerns – yes, they exist, but like so many other unfair things, they are part and parcel of our society.

But in this case, I’ve seen these kinds of comments directed at very accomplished women in contexts that make it absolutely clear how irrelevant they are. Two that come to mind were Hillary Clinton, as Secretary of State, and Elena Kagen during her confirmation hearings. And I thought, “Really? How she looks has the slightest relevance to what’s going on here?”

When you can have comments about physical appearance come to the forefront when discussing the most senior Cabinet position in the US government and membership in the Supreme Court of the United States, something is wrong.

8

And women do this more often than men.

9

To some extent, I agree with this statement. Men may objectify women, but at least most know how to keep their comments to themselves, or the converse, which is to own the piggish behavior. At the very least, you can ignore the negative remarks and take the compliments.

Women, on the other hand, tend to be catty and backhanded, at least where looks are concerned. Some really don’t care, or if they compliment another woman, it’s genuine. On the other hand, there are women who will never give a compliment without being mean about it. If a woman is wearing an outfit that makes her look thin, the woman needs to eat more. If a woman has gained a little weight, “she’s let herself go.” If a woman, for whatever reason, chooses not to wear makeup or style her hair, she’s a slob. The woman in question may be objectively stunning, but there are women out there who are happy to tear them down.

10

Internalized misogyny is a real problem. When your culture is telling you, as a woman, are only worth as much as your looks, and you don’t or can’t or won’t question the validity of that message, you use the same yardstick when evaluating other women.

Have you all seen this recent piece by Ashley Judd? She answers the OP’s question pretty thoroughly.

11

The OP implied that this happens in western culture. Is there any culture where this does not happen?

12

There probably are women out there who have always felt just fine about the way they look without paying a whole lot of attention to it, but I have never known one who wasn’t a lesbian. There is a phenomenal amount of self-criticism often amounting to self-loathing, often on very slim grounds.

Conversely, women who have always been tagged as “beautiful” and who actually believe it (a considerably smaller subset) seem to often have a difficult time adjusting to getting older and losing the automatic favoritism offered by the world.

I also remember Diane di Prima (the beat poet) remarking that when she was young she realized that she could be beautiful if she made that specific effort of presentation but she saw what happened to women who did that and consciously decided that she didn’t want to go down that road. It was about power, and and an internally generated sense of self worth.

13

I cannot think of any example where it doesn’t happen. I mentioned the West specifically because I want to confine the conversation to Western culture. As you can see in the OP, I went out of my way to reduce the risk of spillover because I know this sort of thread can easily veer off course.

Although if someone does know of a culture where it doesn’t happen, the contrast might be instructive.

14

Me neither. I think it’s just part of the human condition.

But surely mass media has an effect.

15

In my case, the effects of objectification have dug themselves very deep into my psyche. I’m still trying to oust it, and trying not to become a bitter feminazi as I discover just how much damage it’s done. For me the most harmful effect of the women-as-decoration attitude isn’t the overemphasis on looks, but the implication that women aren’t fully human and don’t deserve to be treated as such. I bought into the idea that I didn’t need to be respected as a person for way too long. Screw that!

My self-concept right now is a kind of Venn diagram: the biggest circle is labeled ‘Me: A Human Being’, and inside it are a bunch of smaller circles (some of which overlap) labeled interests, tastes, personality, accomplishments, sexuality, etc. It used to be a checklist, with ‘Am I a Worthy Person?’ at the top, followed by ‘Am I pretty?’ ‘Am I nice?’ ‘Do I have a good body?’ ‘Do I have a good personality?’ ‘Do I make other people feel good about themselves?’ That life blew chunks. Part of this is self-confidence that I’m sure everyone deals with, but part of it is the effect of how our society measures up women. This is the checklist the media uses when deciding women’s value, so why shouldn’t I be using it on myself too?

16

I think one of the major things that is relevant is that every woman has a deep relationship with her sppearance. Sometimes its one of respect and admiration. Sometimes its one of loathing. Often its mix of deeply complex, often contradictory feelings. But it’s always there. Most women get precious few opportunities to be neutral about their looks.

We are always negotiating thin, sometimes impossible, lines. For example, dressing professionally is an issue. Professional clothes are tailored and fit well, and yet you must be absolutely sure that you are not too sexy. But of course, you can’t do the H. Clinton mannish pantsuit thing either…you don’t want to get the reputation of being that woman. So you have to do this weird balance that is almost impossible to win- if you get to work and realize your skirt is a bit shorter or your top lower, you are “inappropriate”. But if you are too plain, you are not projecting a professional image. And half the stuff you can buy at the “professional woman’s work clothes” stores fail one of those. Men don’t sit in front of the mirror at work saying “Is this too sexy for work? Do I look too plain to kick butt on this presentation? Is this shirt normal, or is that cleavage?” I do that almost every day. I can’t tell you how often I second guess outfits.

Being a teacher was tough for me, because a female teacher cannot be sexy in any way. And yet, by just existing in space, women are sexualized. A young woman in jeans and a tee shirt is sexy. A young woman in a business suit is sexy. A young woman in pajama pants is sexy. The biggest option is to go absurd- lots of frumpy skirts and baggy turtlenecks. But that doesn’t feel authentic and plays tricks with your own identity…it’s not really a comfortable look for a young single woman to put on “look, I’m not young woman woman!! I’m not attractive- not ugly, but not attractive” drag every day.

And of course the rules keep changing. Certain looks (and not just clubwear) become “inappropriate” for your decade. “Appropriate” isn’t just about yards of skin or the tone of clothing. A man’s outfit is or is not appropriate for the workplace. A woman’s outfit can be totally appropriate or grossly inappropriate depending on age and body type.

And the problem isn’t just that it’s tough to figure out how to balance you looks with what you need to project, it’s that you can’t get away from it. You never get a break from managing this complicated thing that everyone in the world has an opinion on and that you probably have your own complexities with.

There have been a few times in my life when I’ve been able to wake up, go to work, and go home without managing my body any more than being clean, neat, decent smelling, appropriately covered and healthy. It’s a wonderfully liberating feeling.

17

I feel a little resentful. I mean, a man who is fat and unattractive can still be admired and respected through his deeds, but a woman will always have the looks card hanging over her head. And it makes me want to backlash. I don’t feel like ‘she’s pretty, I should do some self-improvement to look more attractive’, I feel ‘meh, I’m going to go play World of Warcraft because no one gives a shit what I look like’.

Another feeling I have is that overweight women aren’t allowed to have attractive clothes. There’s like a special frumpiness built into plus size clothes, and the times they do try to make fashionable clothes, they copycat the worst parts that don’t make any sense, like horizontal stripes and skintight leggings.

I also feel a little bit thankful that my medication kills my sex drive because if I was trying to find a partner, I’d feel a lot worse over my appearance.

18

I totally second this.

I’ve been fat all my life. It finally dawned on me a few years ago that the fashion industry doesn’t want my money. They say they do, but they don’t.

Now yes, things are a lot better than they were 50 years ago in the clothing department. Instead of a 10/10 on the shittiness scale it’s now umm … 8.5. Yay for progress.

Just the other day I was in Lane Bryant and I couldn’t believe the selection. If it didn’t have spaghetti straps, it looked like a flower garden had thrown up on it. And LB is supposed to be plus size friendly! Whatever. I cannot WAIT for the day that I can cut up my LB card. When you see a big girl and are tempted to criticize what she’s wearing … bear in mind that most of us have to take what we can get.
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I would like to know what negative effects (especially in terms of women’s cognition, feelings and behavior) you have experienced or witnessed as a result of overemphasis on women’s looks and sexuality.
**

I can really only comment on my own experiences. Imagine every single day of your life being told, in one way or another, that you are not good enough. Ever. You never see anyone on TV or in a magazine that looks like you. You’re treated differently by your family, friends, coworkers and even strangers. The differences may not be blatant (sometimes they are) … sometimes they’re subtle, but they’re unmistakeable. It’s a cloak you wear every day. An invisible scarlet letter.

If you’re not thin and pretty, you don’t exist.

If you’re fat – even if you are pretty, it’s not enough. You’re fat, period. People have a one track mind when it comes to this, to the point that if they were zeroing in on ANY other quality, they’d be presumed to be retarded:

“She has a PhD … too bad she’s fat.”

“Wow she’s got a pretty face … she’s fat, though.”

“Have you ever heard her sing? She’s pretty good … she could probably go places if she’d dump 100 lbs or so.”

“She’s a really nice person but daaaaamn she’s huge!”

You know how when you multiply something by 0 the answer is always 0? It’s the same with being fat:

x*fat=fat

Whether it’s true or not … at work I feel like I have to work harder than other women (and I do). I work for the government … I love my job and I’m VERY good at it. Know why I chose a government job, though? I knew civil service was the only arena I’d ever even *remotely *have a fair shake in the workplace. I couldn’t make it in the private sector … I’m smart enough, I work like a dog and I can get along with almost everybody, but I simply don’t have the looks for it. I’m sure that looks are a factor even where I work now, but it doesn’t seem to be AS important … if it was, I’d never have been hired, much less promoted.

Here’s the kicker: I’m better now than I was in the past. Do I like myself? Not particularly, but I don’t absolutely hate myself like I used to.

Yay for progress.

19

Something I witnessed: I didn’t watch the Victoria’s Secret fashion show last year (I used to work at a VS store, which is a rant for another thread), but I knew the show was on because when I looked at my Facebook news feed, I saw at least four statuses that said something to the extent of, “Watching the VS fashion show. Never eating again.” I’m 21, so the girls with these statuses were probably around 17-22.

I forgot about it until the next day when a guy friend posted an article (again on Facebook. Maybe I should delete my account) about how men prefer women with more meat on their bones than that of a VS model, along with the status “Curves = fantastic.” Which pissed me off because I have no curves to speak of. I sure as hell don’t look like a VS model either. I’ve gotten over my body type issues since I know I have it better than most, but it was still frustrating.

20

If you have a chance, watch the documentary “Miss Representation” and it will really give you an idea. WARNING, there are a few NSFW images (quick ads showing a butt here or there) Here is an 8 minute trailer that I think is a good start. If that is too long, there are shorter trailers on the right side of that screen.

Watch it though (at least the trailer), it’s really interesting.