The thread asking what makes men attractive to women got me musing about the idea of overall physical attraction. And I thought a place where I’m anonymous and no one knows what I look like might be a good place to ask something personal.
Last year, for reasons I won’t delve into too much, I got more attractive. My husband was so happy for me, and I was thrilled as well. But something about it didn’t sit well with me, and I haven’t been able to tease out precisely what it is. Just wondering if anyone else has thoughts on this.
(FTR, I’m not saying I don’t want to be attractive. I’m just saying that the feeling of being attractive isn’t 100% warm fuzzy feelings, and I’m trying to figure out why because it seems like it should be.)
It’s hard to parse why it feels creepy to you without further elaboration, but it could be:
Getting more attention than one is accustomed to
Having to be suspicious of people’s ulterior motives
Getting attention from undesirable people (not to sound cynical, but the saying that “the difference between harassment and flirting is whether the recipient finds the initiator attractive or not” has a lot of truth to it)
I know a bit of the feeling. It’s hard to put into words, except…there is a safety in being less attractive. Since my age and weight have put me solidly in the ‘unfuckable’ category as far as most people are concerned, I don’t have to worry nearly as much about catcalls, being followed at night, random dudes hitting on me, creepy male friends being creepy, etc etc etc. When I lost weight a while back, some of that came back, and I found it really unnerving.
Some good thoughts in previous posts. I think there’s a limit on the insight you’ll get from strangers online - even if you give more details.
I’ll throw another WAG out there in case it helps:
If you have lingering negative feelings about your attractiveness (and related issues - self-worth, etc.) you may feel internal conflict about your increased attractiveness.
A feeling of “do they mean it?” when complimented.
Or - “if they knew the whole truth - would they still say that?”
Just a stab in the dark. I sometimes get what I think are undeserved compliments (not so much on my appearance, but maybe it applies). They make me very uncomfortable.
We may never figure out why we feel undeserving of - or uncomfortable with - praise, internal or external, but thinking and talking about it is a good first step to dealing with it.
You feel uncomfortable enough to post about this issue here. It might be worthwhile talking face-to-face to some impartial third party - therapist, counselor, 12-step group, or whomever - to work these things out. This is something you’ll have to either deal with, or choose not to deal with, yourself.
Because looking for advice online, you’re gonna get shitty “jokes” like Gatopescado’s as responses. And I’m guessing those don’t help.
Velocity and Maggie the Ocelot … I’m trying to think of a tactful way to say this. I think the issues you are referring to are not issues specific to attractiveness, but issues that really almost anyone of the female gender worries about.
Omar Little, I think there is some truth to what you’re saying. Vanity is an unattractive personality trait that leads to a more attractive appearance, which I think ultimately leads to a person feeling more physically attractive but not necessarily more attractive overall.
beowulff, do you mind expanding on what you said. You said the two were more intertwined than many people would like to admit, and I’d like to hear why. Your comment about being judged about what I look like rather than who I am hits close to home, so I do think you’re onto something.
snoe, I don’t think I have lingering feelings of unattractiveness or unworthiness. In fact, I’m concerned about precisely the opposite: I’m scared that if enough people tell me I look attractive, that I could have an inflated ego as a result. And once you have an inflated ego you become less attractive.
Based on the scant details, my wildass guess is that internally your subconscious is reacting to the extra attention as, “But…I’m exactly the same person as I was before?”
It’s the conflict between, I extended effort to improve and should enjoy the attention, and, attention causing, “Wait! Would you have even noticed me before?”
Do you graciously accept compliments in recognition of your efforts? Or suspect those paying those attentions might be kinda shallow jerks at heart?
Well, actually, I wasn’t entirely truthful in the OP. When I got more attractive, I got more attractive in my own eyes, but it didn’t really make that much of a difference in everyone else’s eyes, like I didn’t really notice myself getting checked out that much more or anything. Gosh, I’m trying to think of what to say that’s relevant, as opposed to what would just be me blabbering.
I guess what I struggle with is that I see how much being good-looking can make a person admire you more. So when I hear something like “my coworkers think you’re the hottest wife” or “you’re the hottest woman at this company,” then it feels three things at one: (1) Great, because I succeeded at something that is important enough that people actually take the time to notice and rank stuff like that, (2) Uneasy, because now if some other hot woman comes along then that title gets taken away from me, and (3) Disgusted that so much effort would go into achieving such a shallow position.
Gatopescado
We have had long board discussions about the inappropriateness of responding to sincere discussions about women’s bodies with jokes. There is absolutely no reason to answer a sincere discussion that happens to involve body issues with jokes about boob jobs.
Warning issued.
This applies to everyone in the thread. Just don’t do it.
I’m no Brad Pitt by any stretch of the imagination. But at 46, there have been a whopping three times that I can think of where two women have openly fought over me.
And each time it happened, I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. I couldn’t help thinking to myself: :“People like this shit?”.
It makes no sense to me either. Because had any one of those women shown an interest in me individually, I would have been grinning ear to ear.
Average people don’t have this issue.
If you are of average looks and average intelligence then when someone is attracted to you, you don’t need to spend a lot of time worrying about why - they are attracted to you. But, if you are smart (and you are - you are Doper), then the dynamic changes. If you make yourself more attractive (dress better, drive a fancy car, get a makeover, get more fit, etc.) then there’s always the concern that “hey - I’m no different than I used to be, why wasn’t that good enough?” And, in some ways that’s right. But, I believe that the personality/body separation isn’t as complete as some people think. The reason you made the decision to do whatever it was that you did to make yourself more attractive is because you are smart and self-aware. So, getting attention for a physical (or some might say superficial) “improvement” is not completely dissociated from the thought process that led you to make the decision to do it.
I’m not sure that’s completely clear (even to me).
One thing - I think this issue is much more acute for women than for men. Men don’t give a rat’s ass as to why they are attractive to women. If it’s money, clothes, muscles, smile, brains - it’s all good. The only time that starts to become an issue is when a rich guy attracts “gold diggers” and becomes self-aware enough to be bothered by it.
I think you just need to be accepting of yourself as a complete package. If that package is now wrapped up with a nicer bow - great. Take the attention as confirmation that whatever you are doing is working.
I can see this happening. The downside of being attractive is that sometimes you’re going to attract people you don’t want to attract. I’m not just talking rapists and catcallers. I’m thinking more in regular situations like the workplace where you don’t want your colleagues checking you out.
Well, personally, I like being checked out. Though maybe this comment wasn’t specifically directed at me. Though on further thought, there is a type of checking out that I don’t like, and that’s where the gaze lingers to the point where it seems like the man feels entitled to look at you for as long as he wants. That’s disturbing.
Oh, it’s all such a clusterfuck for us women. I don’t know if it’s even possible not to have mixed feelings about our appearance whatever we do or don’t do. I’m not sure men know what how very pervasive it is at all. Just turn on the TV and see men listened to and their opinions valued. If it’s a woman, there’s a good chance the discussion that follows will be about her outfit. People like to put it on you individually, about your “self-esteem” but that ignores the small detail of the world we live in.
I am older and have had a couple of “updates,” plus stay thin and blah blah blah. I will say this, when you are a woman, you are treated much differently by the world at large according to your appearance. That is not the same thing as self-esteem although it’s probably not possible for how you are received and treated not to affect your self-esteem.
My husband seems very pleased with my “updates.” Of course I love the renewed attention, who wouldn’t. On the other hand, the blatant objectification makes me slightly want to slap his face now and then. I’ll start to feel like, so this is all there is to it, huh? But then, on the other other hand, of course I know that’s not true. On the other other other hand, I don’t blame him because he is a product of the world he lives in the same as I am. I shut off thoughts like that and remember I am lucky to have the opportunity to do what I want to do.
Step outside your door and see the difference in how you are treated when you’re overweight and/or too busy with more important things to bother vs. how you are treated when you put in the effort. Huge difference that affects all kinds of things for you.
Add to the mix the crazy mixed messages we always got about sex. Guys wanted, wanted, wanted and at the same time crapped all over girls who wanted the same or gave them what they wanted. Now that is the definition of crazy, I think. Etc. So then you can feel like you’re being “slutty” to get any male notice when you tried to look good and you’re married (or even if you aren’t). You can also be accused of being shallow or feel like you’re being shallow. Of course it is shallow, it’s only appearance. And yet…
I really don’t allow these thoughts in my daily life because I put in the effort so I will feel good, not bad. So I guess that’s why I had so much to say here. My advice would be since this update is what you wanted enough to go through with, please enjoy it and don’t worry about all that other crap that tries to bring you down. Good luck.
