I have a friend who is always late for everything.
But it’s not just appointments-- bills are frequently sent in late. Forms that have a “due date” are submitted late. He often misses deadlines for work assignments and in fact lost a job for this reason (although there were admittedly extenuating circumstances.) Now he’s attempting to get his MBA and he turned in his first paper a day late.
About the paper, he said he wanted it to be “good,” but I was like you’re gonna get a worse grade on a good paper that’s late compared to a mediocre paper that’s on time. He’s not a particularly irresponsible person-- it’s not like he’s out all night partying, he just can’t seem to get his sh*t fully together.
I can’t even comprehend this mindset. It’s not like he doesn’t understand what a deadline is or why they matter. He knows there are repercussions and he’ll beat himself up about it afterward but it doesn’t seem to make a difference for future projects.
Does it affect you directly? If not, it’s not your job to fix him, and you probably can’t anyway (although your concern is commendable).
If it does affect you directly (i.e. he is late in delivering something you are paying him for), then the normal way to deal with it is to apply penalties for lateness - e.g. you knock 10% off your remittance against his bill (having stated this in your terms at the start).
I’m sorry to say that if you are in that situation, and you need to do that, you probably won’t stay buddies.
I know, it’s not really any of my business except that he’s a friend and it’s something that he struggles with. We talk about it semi-regularly (usually because of the latest late fee or bad grade or whatever) and I’d like to be able to help him but I don’t know that I can…
There are a ton of self-help books on dealing with procrastination. You might take a look and see if there’s one that could help your friend, or help you to help him.
I’m not sure what really works. I’m on the Dope right now because I’m supposed to be working on a project that was sent to me last week. At least this post has motivated me to try to get my act together.
Every single deadline is arbitrary. Unless there’s a meteor impacting the earth in exactly 12 hours, 36 minutes and 15 seconds…
Otherwise, deadlines are mostly just a matter of being polite. Like “please” and “thank you”, they lubricate a lot of the friction that will occur between people and organizations and their expectations.
Some people feel like the rules of politeness don’t apply to them for whatever reason. But they’ll still get pissed off if you’re rude to them or show up later than them to a meeting you both agreed to. Outside of pointing out the hypocrisy (which they’ll take forever to acknowledge, if ever), there’s not much more you can do. They’re just not built the same as you and I.
In a social setting being late without compelling cause is rude, and sometimes can be a significant inconvenience to others. In a business setting it’s that plus likely to cost someone some money. Consistent lateness sends a message that one doesn’t care enough about others to respect their time.
Your friend may need an attitude change where he doesn’t think in terms of how his lateness affects him, but of how it affects other people.
It sounds like he may have ADD. There are some resources for helping people with ADD get organized and learn to function better.
He might start by looking at some of the online tests, to see if he matches up. If he does, he can seek professional help for behavioral modification, he can start with the books, or he can seek medical help and try the medication route.
I know that I and several others on the board wrestle with ADD. If he does turn out to fit the profile, I’m certain we can recommend some self-help resources to get started with.
My adult daughter is the same way. There is no cure and there is no hope other than brutal sanctions being the result of the behavior and even then they will dance on the very razor’s edge.
In my experience there is really nothing to be done if someone is an adult and still doing this.
If you don’t like deadlines then just don’t commit to them. That’s the main problem, some people agree to do something that has a definite deadline but they aren’t going to make the deadline a priority and as a result aren’t going to fulfill a promise. If I don’t have a deadline I could take forever and year to get something done. If I have a deadline I make fulfilling my commitment the goal and I’ll get it done. I’ve learned not to commit myself to things I can’t get done, anybody can do that, it’s not a question of your intentions when you make the deal, it’s about being realistic, and if you are the kind of person who can’t work to a strict schedule then you just can’t do the things that require that.
Sometimes you can get through to them that being late for appointments (esp. if it’s a thing with a friend) is plain-out disrespectful to the other person. Otherwise, I’ve got nothing…