I find myself getting irritated when otherwise very intelligent people start a conversation or sentence with"you know". I get even more irritated when I do it myself.
Does anyone know of a technique to help one to stop saying this and further does anyone know how this got to be such a common part of our everyday speech?
I think I read about a technique that is used with broadcasters to reverse this nasty habit but “you know” I don’t know where I read it. Do you ever see “you know” in posts or e-mail?
You’ve already started the process, you know? Ah, now you’ve got me doing it. Seriously though, being concious of it will help you to minimize doing it.
godzillatemple gives a good start. Alternatively, you could either only speak from prepared texts, or teach yourself to substitute the earlier “um” and “er” for “y’know.” I’m not really kidding, (although I confess to being a bit of a smart ass).
People who study speech patterns have noted that all people use what they call spacers to hold their end of the conversation as they search for words to continue their thoughts.
A person who is speaking intensely on a subject about which they are informed will use spacers rarely in that conversation. The same person, when speaking on a subject for which they have a smaller vocabulary (or for which they have not prepared thoughts in their mind) will insert spacers regularly into their speech. This is why so many people who have a microphone shoved into their faces ramble on with many "y’know"s, "like"s, "uh"s and "er"s, regardless whether they are grade-school drop-outs or nuclear physicists.
If, as godzillatemple suggests, you teach yourself to speak more slowly, letting your thoughts race ahead to find the appropriate words before you speak them, you will reduce the number of spacers that pop up in your speech. If that sounds like too much effort, you can simply continue sounding like the rest of us–fluent and voluble on topics for which we have great interest and somewhat stuttering when we are caught trying to express thoughts that we have not prepared.
I agree with godzillaT, just be more conscious when you speak.
Saying “ya know” or “eh”, or saying everything in a sing songy voice is really a means to get validation from your listener. IT’s as though the speaker doesn’t want to state an opinion without having someone agreeing with them. Maybe figure out why you need yoru listener to agree with ya when you tell a story. THat might help, as well.
With regard to the use of “spacers,” I learned that it’s perfectly acceptable to pause in my speech while I looked for the correct word, rather than insert an “er” or an “um” (or a “know what I mean?”)
I can’t force myself to always have the word I want at the top of my tongue, especially when speaking rapidly, but I can control whether I use a “spacer” or not.
I agree. In high school I had a speech coach help me break the “uh” habit. He first asked me to pretend I was two people, one person actually speaking and the other standing off to the side listening in. Doing this for a while helped me become more aware of my own speech patterns. The next step was to anticipate each “uh” or “um” and to simply pause for the same amount of time those spacers would have taken - the pauses are much less likely to be noticed, and may even give the impresion that you are simply a very thoughtful person.
Join Toastmasters. It really helped me to be more conscious of spacers in my speech. I still use them, but I hear them too, which helps me to cut back.
Anything that makes using the term more of an ordeal than it’s worth.
The rubber band on the wrist idea is good.
Another good one is to have a friend in on it and that person gets to call you on it and snap the rubber band.
I really think it’s best to have a friend help since it’s such an automatic behavior.
Even better, have everyone in on it. I worked at a camp where if a person placed his/her elbows on the table, everyone sang them a song, and they had to walk around the table and touch both walls. People usually get busted once, maybe twice.
On the mexican tv show “Otro Rollo” to draw attention to a tic the host had (but denied having) every time he did it during the monologue they brought out acrobats to do flips. It was hilarious.
Maybe have all your coworkers (other social group that you spend alot of time with) in on it and tell them if they catch you saying it, you will recite them a poem and give them a candy. The bigger deal made of it the better.
Morgainelf - me too! The number one thing that Toastmasters does to help you with this issue is that someone at the meeting watches for this, and reports back to you to point out how you’re doing. Just noticing it can help you stop.
The number two thing that helps is simply to get in the habit of using silence - pauses - as filler instead of the filler words.
Now, this works well in formal speaking where no one is going to interrupt you. On the other hand, I understand that part of the reason people do this is to “hold the phone”, so to speak. That is, to verbally signal to the person you’re speaking with that, even though you are pausing, you aren’t done yet, and it’s not time to interrupt. Because of that, I find it much harder to get out of this habit in casual conversations, especially if you are around people that will jump in if you pause long enough.
Just a thought, but with others, have you considered being very direct? When they use the phrase, say, “No, I don’t know. If I did, I wouldn’t be asking you.”
Now keep it in the back of your mind that someone might do that to you.
George Carlin did a bit about people who have that exact problem. I wish I could remember how he worded it. Anyway, it was enough to make me aware that I was going to say it before I actually did. I hardly say it now and I notice when other people do, which is a lot.
My darling Marcie has this problem—she can interject eight or nine “you know’s” into a four word sentence. I wish someone could advise me on how to gently break it to her, because I am sure she is totally unaware of doing it. The real dificulty is that she doesn’t deal well with criticism, even if criticism isn’t intended.
My similar pet peeve is the use of “like.” Fortunately, I never developed a habit of using it because I had this great high school English teacher who, if we said “like,” would reply, “It’s not “like” anything.” She was cool. That has stayed with me. I can actually hear her saying it.
For me, “I mean” is at least as annoying as “you know.”
For some reason I started noticing people saying “I mean” and once I noticed it, I heard it everywhere! Then I started noticing that I was saying it! I began to slap myself lightly on the cheek whenever I’d hear myself saying it (when talking on the phone, or with my husband, who understood) and I think I’ve cut back, if not cut it out.
I cringe now when I hear it while watching TV, which means I cringe quite a bit.
I had this habit too (I had a lot of bad habits) and I cut it down, if not completely out, by striving to substitute “as if” and if it didn’t fit, I’d realize what I’d just done. It was easier to do than explain to others what I was doing and why.
Seriously though, being concious of it will help you to minimize doing it.