How come no one talks about "consensual" domestic violence?

Bit of a misnomer there isn’t it? Well to me that is the problem, there is some domestic violence that is basically two people in love with wailing on each other.

You know the apartment with the nightly fight and police call, so what the hell can an outsider do there?

I’ve known cases so nutty both parties are violating protection orders to get together for a secret romantic beat up.

When I see domestic violence PSAs that are like see something, do something I am like what exactly?

I think it’s very difficult to tell from the outside if it’s really that mutual. It’s like how some people will say that a woman is asking for it because it appears that she deliberately provokes the man, when really she’s just trying to have some measure of control over WHEN the inevitable happens, plus then they can get back to the honeymoon phase (not a great way to handle things, of course, but it’s different than “asking for it”).

So, if I knew someone in what looked like a mutually violent situation, I’d still call the police, offer help, etc.

It gets mentioned but not directly, when people talk about “people who love make-up sex”.

My Grandparents from Hell were like that: no hitting, but every lunch would be a screaming fight in front of the kids. What the kids never got to see were the 4pm boxes of chocolates and 4:05pm make-up sex.

I’d have to say that was a good thing. :smiley:

While recognizing that there are extraordinary circumstances that prevent a small number of people from leaving an abusive relationship, I’d say that 97% of domestic violence is consensual. The first time a person hits you, that’s a surprise. The second time a person hits you (and every time thereafter) you consented to that by, you know, being there.

I disagree. While I don’t personally know anyone (that I know of) who has been in a long-term physically abusive relationship, I would think that the amount of volition in staying in an abusive relationship is about the same as being addicted to heroin or something. (For different reasons, of course.) I think that the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship have more to do with threats, fear, or a messed-up family background that makes one compelled to seek and embrace chaos, and prohibits common sense like DTMFA.

And you can identify this ‘type’ by sight? How?

And the ‘type’ that turns into whatever you consider to be ‘true’ abuse begins how? Because I’d wager the first type, which you seem to find acceptable on some level, is just the onset of something that will transform into the second type.

If you and your spouse actually enjoy going a few rounds, I don’t think anyone cares.

You got kids watching/in the house, it’s so loud as to disturb neighbours, cops attend, blood is drawn, ambulances attend, any of these and society has the right to intervene.

It’s illegal to beat on your spouse, whether or not they are a half willing participant, doesn’t really enter into it. And if they keep it up, they should both be charged every time the police are called. Let them pay the damn fines until they grow up, I say!

Low key roundhousing, in the privacy of your home, without disturbing the neighbours, for your own amusement, is the exception though, not the rule.

I have no clue what you’re on about, please point to where I said any kind was acceptable for starters.

On sight? What does this mean? You usually notice because calling police just gets one or both parties hauled away, just to return and start again.


Sorry then. I took this curious sentence to imply there are some domestic violence situation that it’s okay to just walk by without intervening.

My bad. I parsed that sentence more than once, as it seemed unclear, but apologies if I mistook your point.

I’m too confused as to what it is you want to talk about clearly, I’m out.

Comedian Kristine Levine covers the topic in a bit from the documentary: The Unbookables. (NSFW.)

(And if you have to ask why she is considered one of the unbookables, check out her other videos on YouTube.)

I haven’t followed it that closely and it’s just a gut feeling, but it seems the Chris Brown & Rhianna thing is like that.
Like when she got beat up and eveyone was screaming (and rightly so) “You never hit a woman, you never hit anybody” that she never really agreed with that. Almost like even though she took a bad beating she didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Enough to even get back together with the guy.

Not ok so much as resignation at the fact your actions don’t seem to accomplish anything, and can sometimes even backfire and start involving yourself. One or both partners can decide the one calling the police is their mortal enemy and start asking around the neighborhood grapevine or someone tells them the police were seen speaking to you. (WTF is the reason the police do that anyway?)

Its like having a friend who constantly talks about suicide, you literally can’t report every threat because their family and other friends even would just circle the wagons and claim you a liar etc. So what can you do? Report extra serious seeming threats only?

I report all domestic violence and let the police sort it out. My actions are to report, not ‘sort things out’, that’s the police’s job.

Where I live, I can call the police discreetly, the only way anyone would know, I’d called, would be if I chose to tell them.

Now you want to talk about suicide threats? I’m confused again!


You make those PSAs don’t you?

The not seeing the sex, yes. The thinking a normal marriage consists of yelling abuse at each other, not so much. The trying to have the exact opposite and therefore having your own kids think their parents were born in perfect agreement (the agreement being that the answer to any request on the child’s part is “no”), call me crazy but neither.

It isn’t that easy. I wish it was, and I used to think this way, but I found out otherwise.

Probably would not have ended well for me when my wife was attacking me in my sleep or “accidentally” shoving me into things and then telling other people that I was the one who was abusive (while strangely never providing a single example of what I was supposed to have been doing). If the police showed up, I’m quite certain as the male and the larger person, they would have believed her crying and arrested me.

Sorry to disappoint. Next time try to make it clear in your OP that you’re just looking for agreement, not actual discussion. Then you won’t be so crushed.

Care to explain what’s so wrong about reporting violence and letting the police sort it out? Why it deserves the lame face?

Especially since you yourself, just a little up thread, seemed concerned about getting involved based on your own safety. It was in response, to that comment, that I posted. If you fear repercussions, don’t step in, just report it, let cops sort it out, they are trained to and know the law. Seems self evident to me.

I do think there can be some grey area here - my husband and I “play fight” a lot, but because we both are fairly athletic and have done some grappling training, our play fights can look pretty rough to outsiders (although not as rough as my husband and brother’s play fights). Our regular group of friends knows we’re just playing - even if we might end up with a few bruises, but I’ve been called out more than once for mysterious bruises and once had a park ranger called over to our campsite. Now, I don’t think this is as extreme as what the OP was talking about, as our play fights are mostly grappling with a few light punches and knees, and there’s usually some smiles and laughs, but they’ve been known to surprise people.

(I think most of the mysterious bruises comments were more from fencing bruises, which in their defense, can look absolutely horrifying)

I don’t want agreement, but I never gave approval or acceptance to anything.

In Houston the cops ALWAYS come to the caller’s door for a statement, unless you call from a payphone and ignore the requests to identify yourself. Then they ask for your ID, and anyone else present to go run them for warrants. They also like to try to come inside to fish around. But that is the big city, small towns are WORSE as everyone knows everything so good luck on staying anonymous. The assailants will even get powerful family involved.

In that enviroment yes I would pause to make the 3rd or 4th call to report domestic violence, I’m not interested in becoming two nutball’s archenemy.

Let me give you an example.

I got to sleep around midnight Tuesday night. At 1am yesterday morning (the 4th), I wake up to one of my neighbors rather flatly yelling “somebody help me” over and over. I get up, go to my door and listen. As I do so, one of the other neighbors steps out, says she has already called 911 and demands to know what is going on. The woman says that her boyfriend is off his meds and she’s not going to let him leave because he’ll hurt himself. He denies this, claims that she’s drunk and doesn’t know what she’s talking about, then says that he doesn’t need his meds.

I step out briefly just for a visual, because there’s no fucking way I’m stepping into the middle of a domestic between a drunk and someone off their meds, and I see her in the door way, one hand on the door and one arm holding him. No blood, no real violence, just a little bit of feeble wrestling. If he really wanted to get through her, he could.

I call 911 as well. They already know my address and say that “lots of help is already on the way”.

BTW: She’s lived there about 6 months, he moved in last weekend.

The man gets out and they stand in the hall arguing. Again, at that point he could have just left. Five minutes later a half dozen cops show up. Very quietly and very professionally, they interview both of them and interview me because I opened the door to speak to them. They ask her what she wants to do and she decides that he should leave. They ask him where if he has somewhere to go, and he says he can go to his parents house. They quietly escort him out* without cuffs, without threats, without even touching him, and the whole thing was over.

  • Honestly, they were so quiet about the whole thing that I wouldn’t have known they were outside my door if I hadn’t been standing right there. I doubt I would have heard them at all if I’d been in bed.