How could a man use potatoes to masterbate?

Please don’t be mean, I have a mentally retarded (FragileX) relative (50) who does this. We always found potatoes under his bed, and could never figure out why he took them from the pantry to his bedroom. Now he does live in a facility, but when he came home on a visit, this always happened. Then the facility called us after one home visit, and explained why he did this, and that when he returned after a home visit, he usually got an infection of some sort from the potatoes. They asked that we put a basket or something of clean potatoes in his room when he came home.

The potatoes were never damaged (well…um) or broken in any way, so we can’t figure this one out. Even the men in the family claim ignorance.

I’m stumped.

I’m buggered

Sorry, no idea how to fix the title. Damn it.

I don’t know, but I wouldn’t let him help cook anything in the kitchen.

Well, I mean, you could certainly rub your junk against a potato if you were inclined to do so. I don’t know why you’d want to do that, but the list of verifiably-practiced sexual activities I can’t fathom anyone enjoying would take eons to compile.

In a world where dozens of men per year decide it sounds like fun to stuff their sausage into the business end of Hoover,* potatophilia is comparatively pretty tame.

Well yes but…how? And why? I mean, it’s conceptually easier to understand why some guy might stick his junk in the Hoover than it is to see what he might do with fully intact potatoes.

I mean, call me old fashioned and all.

What’s infected? His penis or anus?

Dunno, they said “his groin area.”

I’d ask at your local Irish Embassy.

mystery solved

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1429/552125548_5439d58c7c.jpg

That is very considerate of the facility. I’m serious.

I gotta think he’s shoving those spuds up his bum. (For masturbating)

No need to worry. It is the Circle of Life.

This.

Good thing is not a pedophile, or he’d use Tater Tots.

(Congratulations on the best thread I think I’ve ever seen in IMHO, by the way. There were laughs, chills, and at the end I think I even got something in my eye.)

He can use whatever he likes, he’s a dick tater.

He’s mashterbating.

How do you think the potato felt.

Au gratin no idea.

“I call her Julienne!”

according to the op the potatoes were found unaltered.

could he sit and rock on them and message the prostate at the base of the penis and get the same effect?

So? What are most people’s buttholes going to be able to do to a raw potato that they can’t just rinse off in the sink after they’re done?

I suppose he could try, but I don’t imagine it’s anywhere near as much fun.