How did I get myself into this career: a late-night rant

I’m working overtime tonight, putting the finishing touches on an animation of a satellite deploying its solar panels and reflector dishes. I’m told the results are eagerly anticipated, but to me it looks no different than the other twenty or so satellites I’ve animated. Dramatic swooping camera angles and lens flares and sunbursts can only go so far to make what is essentially an orbiting phone booth seem interesting. It’s got me thinking about my first job in video, editing Christian puppet shows and porno movies.

Goldstein Video Transfer, AKA: Eternal Light Video. AKA: After Dark Video. AKA: Freedom Video. The owner of this business was fringe entrepreneur who, despite being Jewish, had no problem distributing fundamentalist Christian sermons and videos claiming that the holocaust had never happened. The best sellers included:

“Heavy Artillery” which showcased footage of helicopters and missiles and tanks blowing the crap out of stuff.
Arms manufacturers, Raytheon and Lockheed notably, make these product demonstration videos of the missiles and tanks and cluster bombs they hope to sell to the military. These things are just so twisted. Their basically sales pitches that make a helicopter mounted machinegun sound like some new frost-free refrigerator by using terms like “self-correcting target valiance” and “unprecedented collateral damage”, which is basically a polite way of saying “Hunts you down and blows you up”. My favorite was a cluster bomb made by General Electric (we bring good things to light) that blew up, killing everybody in the vicinity, while simultaneously planting little landmines that blew up anybody unlucky enough to step on them later. I think they called it “a sustained anti-personnel investment”, Nice.

Anyway, this stuffs copyright free because they’re looking for military contracts, so there’s no overhead. The ads ran in “Soldier of Fortune” and “Guns and Ammo” and a surprising amount went to P.O. boxes in Colorado. In the credits I’m listed as “Adam Bomm” (nyuk, nyuk, nyuk…).

“This Coming Rapture”:
Fundamentalist Christian video where poorly lip-synched puppets explain Armageddon to children. Lovely.

I almost peed myself with that one. It featured a scene where a devil puppet tries to con a group of children out of their immortal souls with candy and fireworks, and every time the devil puppet popped up this poor little girl with Downs syndrome went into hysterics. And not just the first time either, they filmed five takes of that particular scene and in every take, when the devil appeared, the poor girl would start wailing. Even with five takes it was a real chore piecing that one together. I recently saw this available on E-Bay for a whopping $3.99.

“The Couple Next Door: Real Amateur Action”

I don’t know if you and your significant other have ever set up the tripod and taped yourselves in ‘The Act’, but if you have, please don’t send the results in to any of those places in the back of Hustler that solicit submissions. Your dignity is just not worth three hundred dollars. I don’t care how hot you think your wife is, I don’t care about how great your stamina is or how generously you think yourself endowed, ordinary folks are just not hardcore porno material. First off, without proper lighting and make-up, on videotape most naked people appear to be a sad pale bluish color. Secondly, most porn-stars are only about 2% body fat (Ron Jeremy being a notable exception) whereas most everyday people are great deal more than that. While this might be natural and healthy, most folks popping a porno tape don’t want your jiggling blue ass. Third, real breasts are not the gravity defying, silicone inflated, make-up and tanning bed uber melons most porn stars sport. No, real breasts can be saggy, veiny, pale, mismatched puttylike things. Once again, while this is natural, it’s just not what’s expected in a porno movie. Fourth, if your girlfriend is willing to put your penis in her mouth, chances are she’ll be willing to shave your back. Fifth, stockings and a garter belt are sexy, ripping the cotton panel out of a pair of old runny pantyhose, not sexy.

Editing this thing together was not erotic in the least. In fact I think it temporarily damaged my sexuality. Nothing creepier than seeing a forty year-old man glistening with sweat finish his “Performance” then walk over to turn off the camera with his flaccid, moist dingus swaying in the breeze (Shudder). Another disillusioning thing I noticed was how uninspiring a performance most men have (hence the term “hump”). I lost interest immediately, and I can only assume that the poor women involved were just looking for pictures in the plaster on the ceiling. Highlights included a cat that thought it must be playtime, and a woman’s wig falling off mid-act. My name on the credits was “Reamer Green”.

“Master Mule Deer Hunting”

Predated “The Blair Witch Project” by a good seven years. Two dumb hicks go into the woods in search of mule deer. Sadly, both they and the footage made it out. I can’t describe what a chore it was piecing this thing together from twelve hours of footage…

Hick #1: Yep, I can feel it. There’s deer nearby.

Hick #2: Eeeyep…

Camera pans around woods. Left…then right… (Yes. These are defiantly woods, trees and everything). Camera turns off. Camera turns back on, time code indicates it’s three hours later.

Hick #1: Yep, I can feel it. There’s deer nearby.

Hick #2: Eeeyep…

In “Master Mule Deer Hunting” “Master Duck Hunting” and “Stalking Big Game” I’m credited as “Cleetus Green”.

Well, at least you’ve got some good stories!

Hey Pa, Pa I know Cleetus Green.
Eeeyep, it’s true Pa.