Was Squooshed’s mom the other woman?
I don’t have time right now to respond to everyone’s comments (and my wife has done a good job of answering many of the questions), but I should respond to Mornea. My mom was not the other woman in the first marriage. She didn’t even know dad at the time. They were introduced to each other later.
I’m glad you could clear that up quickly. I’m sorry if that question seemed in any way offensive to you.
Not offensive at all. It’s a perfectly understandable question. I just didn’t want anything getting derailed by speculation.
When I was about - eh, actually, let’s just say late teens, things got to the point where I couldn’t ignore the affair my father was having with my best friend.
I kind of withdrew for a while to think it over and try to cope with all the emotions /that/ threw up. Not long after, my parents split up.
I decided in the end that while hating my dad and/or her would be satisfying in the short term, it was in /my/ best interests to forgive both parties as soon as as much as I could.
Man, it wasn’t easy, but I didn’t lose a father over it. I did lose a best friend - she and I are more aquaintances who occasionally speak in a friendly manner these days - but we’re not enemies and thinking of her doesn’t fill me with impotent rage any more. I think I got off better than either of them did, since I have no guilt to lug around. Despite the fact that they’ve since split up and we never really talk about it, I /know/ my father carries a lot of guilt.
On the plus side, I now have a half-brother. I always wanted a brother and half a brother is better than none.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that forgiving them might do you more good than it does them. It’s very hard to carry hurt around for years.
Surely you see that there is a world of difference between “getting an earful” and “getting completely cut off and never spoken to again”. Again, handle this situation the way you would want your kids to handle it if YOU fucked up really, realy badly: which you may well do. All of us bear the burden of being one bone headed minute away from beinga person we have no respect for.
First of all, sorry for your pain. I know it hurts. I think there are some basic questions you need to ask yourself.
Do you love your dad? Would you miss him if you had no contact with him? Life is so short, why cut him out of your life now. They’ll be plenty of time to miss him when he is dead. No options left then.
Does your son love your dad? Would he miss him if he weren’t around? You and your wife are your son’s parents and the biggest influence on your son’s perceptions. There is no need for you son to ever know what Grandpa “did”. Lots of grandparents are divorced.
I know you love your mother and I commend you that you are hurt that she is hurt. But that is something that she has to deal with on her own. She is a grown woman. You are a grown man with your own family. As your children grow you will find there will be many many times someone has hurt them and you can’t do a damn thing about it. It’s maddening not to be able to fix it for them.
Your father knows what he did was wrong. Why do you think he won’t talk about it? He has to live with it every single day. What he did has nothing to do with you and especially nothing to do with your children. I wouldn’t deny either of them the right to a relationship. Take the high road.
Thanks everyone for all of the responses. They have helped. Turning to issues raised since I last posted…
Affairs as a symptom of a bad marriage: I admit that I honestly don’t know why my dad had the affair. He has told me point blank that it had nothing to do with my mother and that she was a great wife. However, I recognize that he may be saying that because he perceives that telling me that the affair was all my mother’s fault would not be a wise way to repair our relationship. My mom has changed, as my wife pointed out, due to some health problems. Even so, I can’t say that I think affairs are an appropriate response to a troubled marriage. They may be an understandable human failing, but they are rarely if ever justifiable.
I suspect that a lot of the origin of the affair may have had to do with a late life crisis that my father went through. He was becoming a grandfather for the first time. He was experiencing some financial difficulties. He was facing a loss of power and prestige at work and had faced some professional setbacks for the first time. I think he may have been feeling his age and a loss of the position he had been accustomed to and found some ego boost through the relationship. But, I admit I don’t really know that any of this played a role, and I don’t think he knows either.
Efforts to repair the marriage: I think my wife may have adequately covered this. My mom perceived something was wrong (which is not hard to do when years go by without physical intimacy). She even asked me if I thought that my dad could be having an affair. (I told her that I didn’t think so.) She repeatedly asked my father what was wrong and, as far as I know, dad never responded. Even after the affair came to light, she asked dad to go to marital counseling and he refused. All in all, dad has not put a lot of effort into saving the marriage and the only explanation he gave me was that he didn’t know what he wanted. I find it hard to work up much sympathy for this, when he created the dilemma in the first place.
The other woman: I may be wrong about this, but it’s my understanding that she broke off another long-term relationship, one in which she had a child, largely as a result of the affair with my father. I admit that I’m not sure whether there was a marriage or not. Like my wife, I’m willing to admit that she may be a very nice person. I’m just not willing to find out right now and that may be for purely irrational reasons. I guess the difference between her and dad is that I know and love my father and am willing to put everything aside for those reasons. I neither know nor love the “Other Woman” and therefore don’t feel much like making the effort.
Deciding now: Manda JO raises a good point. I’m the kind of person who generally wants to bring things to a resolution quickly. I’m beginning to recognize that that approach may be neither possible nor desirable here. I suspect I’ll be just kind of seeing how things go for a long time.
Cutting off contact with Dad: I don’t want to cut off contact with him. I want my son to have a relationship with him. I’m just having difficulty putting aside my emotions and doing so. Right now, I have to admit, I’m just so tired of dealing with the situation (supporting my mother, making an effort to reach out to dad, etc.) that I don’t want to have much to do with either of my parents. But, I don’t want any irrevocable breaks. I just want to be able to reach some sort of internal consensus where I’m able to put aside my father’s actions and just accept his presence again.
I hate even responding to posts like this but here goes.
I’ve seen and heard everyone elses feelings represented so far except for your child.
Say you do cut off all contact with your father and possibly siblings over moral judgements and fear that your child will emulate the poor example set by your father. Have you factored in how your child is likely to respond to your actions when he grows up enough to realize that he was prevented a relationship with his grandfather?
I can see the distinct possibility of your son’s resentment towards you.
I hope that you will also recognize that grandchildren who grow up in a close relationship with their grandparents tend to get most of the financial benefits/perks that go along with the position.