How do I call this guy?

As some of you know, I went to a couple of AA meetings some months ago. At both meetings, I met this guy that I just can’t stop thinking about. After the first meeting he gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him anytime if I wanted or needed to talk.

Now, my gaydar did go off even before he gave me his number, but I don’t exactly have a good gaydar track record. Anyway, I’ve finally decided to give him a call. Since I’m not exactly good at this either (never dated, two long relationships that were more or less initiated by the other party), I’d like some help. What do I say to the guy so that, if he is in fact gay, he suspects that there’s something more to my call, and if he isn’t, he thinks I just want to talk about the drinking (which I do, in fact; if nothing else comes out of this I would like to have talked to him about that)?

Treat it like us hetero guys do if we want to spend time with a woman. Have no ulterior motive or expectations and just see what happens. Ring him up and tell him that you two seem to have struck a chord and you appreciate his offer to call him if you felt like it. There are a few things you’d like to talk to him about and perhaps you could shout him a coffee somewhere nice.

While talking to him tell him that you are gay. You will find that the problem will then solve itself.

I think a friendly call to say hello and ask what’s going on is never inappropriate. It’s not like you need to invent a pretense to call him. Sounds like you’ve got a good enough reason to pick up the phone already (AA).

So just chat casually. Suggest a meal. Perhaps ask if he plays a sport that you might both enjoy (golf, tennis, etc…).

If your signals are a bit wonky, time together should clear that up. No?

What don’t ask said – call him up and suggest coffee. Talk about whatever – including, but not limited to, questions you might be having about recovery, etc. (ahem – where are you on that, BTW? I think about it every time I see your username). And, while you’re talking, mention the fact that you’re gay. Or whack him over the head with a big rainbow-striped … no, wait, just mention the fact that you’re gay. Something either will or won’t happen.

Wow. Thanks for thinking about me. Where I am - well, I think I’m doing fine, but I’ll probably disappoint everyone who tried to help me. I’m doing what everyone told me not to do, which is drinking socially and occasionally. My diet/training regime rules out alcohol anyway. When I’m at a “cheat meal” and alcohol would usually be in the picture, then yes, I’ll have a couple of beers or glasses of wine. So far, that’s worked out to about once every three or four weeks. In between, I don’t desire alcohol, I don’t even think about it much.

But since I started that thread I haven’t had one of those ten-in-the-morning drinks that I used to do several times a week, I haven’t been drinking just for the sake of it, nothing like that. It’s been beer or wine with food, on occasion.

So that’s it. I hope you’re not too disappointed in me.

I’ll think about this, but I don’t know of a way to just drop “I’m gay” into the conversation, especially since I’m not and “I’m bisexual” sounds even weirder as a casual mention.

Not at all. The point, for me at least, was that you were concerned about your drinking. I made a couple of suggestions, and you listened to what I had to say, investigated a couple of options, and took appropriate steps to deal with what was going on. Nothing to criticize in any of that! It’s not my place to say you are or aren’t an alcoholic – and if you’re not, there’s no reason not to have a couple of beers now and then.

And excuse me for misrepresenting your sexuality – I was unclear about that, and, yeah, that definitely makes it a little trickier. Since I’m not bi, I don’t have anything useful to add here – hopefully someone else will be along who can make some suggestions on that point. I was just responding to “Is it okay to call up someone I met in AA and ask him or her for coffee, even if my interest is not only recovery-oriented?,” and the answer to that is “yes, as long as your interest is not not recovery oriented at all.”

You’ve already got something in common, so I don’t think you need to make up an excuse to give him a call. I wouldn’t push the sexuality issue, though. See how the guy is doing, establish some sort of relationship with him, and if it gets physical it gets physical - if not, then that’s OK, too.

maybe i have this all wrong, but if i were a potential sponsor at an aa meeting and gave my number out as such, i would feel it was inappropriate if i got a call that wasn’t aa related from a person i gave my number to.

I’d agree with that and I’d also like to say that the AA folks are fairly hardline about abstinence. The fact that you’re socially drinking would be considered a “slip” and the fact that you’re handling it “denial” and you are likely to be told that your drinking will eventually escalate again to the point where it’s a problem. At least that’s been my vicarious experience with several family members in the program.

I’ve been a member of AA for damn close to 20 years.

We don’t know whether the guy was offering to be priceguy’s sponsor, or just someone to talk to – we don’t know a damn thing about his intentions, length of sobriety, or sexual preference(s).

We do know that he gave priceguy his phone number and told him it was okay to call.

priceguy still has questions about drinking, etc., per his OP, and wants to talk to him again regardless of whether the guy is gay or not.

I’m not saying call him and hit on him; I’m not saying the guy is a good potential date; I’m not saying the guy is a bad potential date; I’m not saying a damn thing other than yeah, IMHO, it would be okay to call the guy up and suggest coffee.

I doubt it. When I was there, I made it clear that I was there to find out whether I were an alcoholic, and everyone was very supportive in that. No-one tried to tell me that I was, just that it was great that I was finding out.

And another thing: Try to forget the AA thing. I just mentioned it because it was where I met the guy. All I wanted was some advice on how you call someone in a situation like this.

Just call and say hello.

Don’t agonize over it.

“How’s it going…what are you doing…want to get together for coffee sometime?”

It’s a phone call.

Pick up the phone and punch the buttons.

What is the worst that could happen…it goes nowhere?

they don’t talk about the “13th step” at your aa meetings?

thats kind of hard to do because using aa meetings as a dating pool and/or having liasions with new attendees is frowned upon in my aa.

it’s called the 13th step or 13th stepping.

I was there twice a few months ago and have no particular intention of going back.

My advice: on the first call to him, I wouldn’t broach the sexuality issue. After you’ve met with him, if you still think there is potential, then you could drop a hint or two.

Have you ever felt pressured in social situations to have a drink? Like, maybe you had a former boyfriend who liked to go clubbing? If so, you could casually mention him and how the drinking/ dating issue affected you, and ask for advice. Then, just sit back and let him make the first move, if any.

Although I’ve never consumed enough alcohol to get drunk, If I did have a problem with alcohol, I definitely know how I’d handle this situation. Living outside any metropolitan areas and no longer attending a university, combined with being in the closet myself, it is really hard for me to meet other gay guys. The only options are the few online or at bars. So, this would really limit my options if I had a problem with alcohol. How would I deal with the pressure to drink at bars? If I chose to cut them out completely, I know I probably wouldn’t date much.

Well, if you’re only having a couple of drinks every few weeks I doubt you’re really an alcoholic anyway. From what I have heard from various AA types, that sort of drinking just Does Not Work for them. They just keep going after the first couple. Sure there are some rather extreme AAs out there, but there are also plenty that know that there is such a thing as heavy drinking without it being an addiction. (Not that what you’re doing now is heavy, but before.)

That being said, I see no reason why you shouldn’t call him.

I think you should be honest in this case. You really can’t just set aside that it was an AA meeting, because that might be the sole reason he shared his number — to offer that sort of support. Unless he’s homophobic, he’ll appreciate your honesty. I fear that anything else might smack of being manipulative or opportunistic. Just call up and say, “Hi. I’m Priceguy from the meeting. I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate your supportiveness, and that you can count on me as well. Beyond that, I don’t know whether you’re gay or straight, but I’m gay and wondered if you’d like to have some coffee together.” That’s it. Crisis over. You’ll have your answer in a second or two.

Keep in mind the possibility that if he were gay, he more likely would attend GayA meetings (if the centre is large enough to support them.)