Ok, so, a girl who i’ve made friends with since the beginning of this semester (so i’ve known her about 4 weeks) gave me her phone number today. It was just as we were leaving a lecture, she caught back up to me, said “Oh, hey, take my phone number!” and walked off again. People that know both of us have told me in the past that she might like me in a going-out-with sorta way. It’s not certain, though.
So…uh, what the hell do I do, basically? I’m not sure if she even likes me that way, and she could have just given me her number because we’re friends. Or maybe not.
Add to this that i’ve never dated before (asked people out, but it’s always been no) so even if she does like me i’ve got no experience here.
Basically, i’m freaking out over this. Any suggestions at all would be welcome.
(Interestingly, this same situation happened a while back, but with a male friend. Seeing as how I get asked out by guys pretty often, I knew enough to get the information around to him from other people that i’m straight, so there’d be no embarassment.)
Give her a call and ask her to go for coffee. It’s casual and you can see if you hit it off. Or ask her to get together to study or work on homework since you have a class together. Basically, do something to see if she’s actually interested without asking her on a full-blown date. That way if you don’t hit it off or if she’s not interested, you can find out in a more casual situation where both of you can get out of it with minimal embarrassment.
Call her and pretty soon. Ask her out for something quick and non-threatening, like coffee. Talk about stuff you have in common. Get in a pitch for a second something in the near future that’s more date-like, such as dinner and a movie.
Stay away from getting togather for studying. Not only are you not likely to find out how she’s interested in you, you’re aslo not likely to remember anything you studied.
Coffee is good, and if it’s just about being friends, well, that’s a pretty good way to spend a couple hours.
Don’t wait too long to call. It took guts for her to make the first move.
Maybe invite her to a Haloween party? A few local frats put on great haunted houses, with the price of admission being a canned food donation. Anything like that?
If you have a group thing you can do, do it. Less pressure. Otherwise, stick to coffee or a bike ride through campus or something else non-threatening. Avoid situations where you’ll be totally alone. Be specific: say, “The Beanery, 4pm, Wednesday.”
Do not ask her to “do something sometime.” Most girls I know respect a guy who has taken the time to plan their date, even if it is something simple.
Call her… try to pick a time that you suspect she might not answer… Not too early in the morning or anything. Just some time she might be in another class or eating dinner… Hopefully get her voice mail… Leave a friendly message and give her your phone number.
If she calls you back right away… She’s interested. If she doesn’t call you until the next day it’s all up in the air… but if she doesn’t call until the the day after that… She’s looking to cheat off your paper.
First rule: Relax. I know, easier said than done but you are reading way too much into what you think her actions are. She gave you her phone number so she wants you to call her. You don’t have to worry about whether or not she wants to date you because the truth is, she probably doesn’t know that either! Remember, she’s just a girl so you don’t have to be nervous :-).
I agree with the posters that say you should call her tonight. When you call her you can start the conversation off by thanking her for her number. Tell her you’re studying for whatever class you two are in together, you’re taking a break and you wanted to see what she is up to. Since this is your first phone conversation with her I can almost guarantee that the conversation will include some variation on the line of “so, when you aren’t in school what do you like to do?”. Answer honestly but this is also a perfect chance to open the door to set up something you can do together. For example, does your area have a museum or a zoo that you would be interested in seeing? If so, when you list your interests say that you have been wanting to check out the museum. If she acts like that would be something she’d like, then ask if she’d like to go on Satruday afternoon. A museum or a zoo are ideal to get to know each other because it gives you plenty of time to get to know each other while also giving you plenty of things to talk about when the conversation hits it normal lulls. If all goes well on Saturday at the museum you can probably carry it over to dinner afterwards. Keep the conversation tonight short because you don’t want to run out of things to talk about when you see her on Saturday :-).
Whatever you do, don’t follow the advice that says to call her when you know she won’t be in. Girls know that trick and she’ll think your a weenie for calling at an odd time. She gave you her number because she wants you to call her when she’s home.
Good Luck! Try to be calm and things will go fine. The first time is always the worst, it gets better from here, I promise :-).
Another woman checking in to tell you to RELAX. Making too big of a deal about this and getting freaked out will cause you to give off creepy vibes. She’s a human being just like you. She has good points and bad points. She has insecurities. She wants to be liked, just like you do.
BE YOURSELF. Sooner or later she’s going to find out what you’re really like anyway. Joni Mitchell said it best: “The times you impress me most are the times when you don’t even try.”
A coffee date is good. RELAX. Don’t try to plan it all out. Just let things happen.
And please don’t play games like trying to call when you think she won’t be there. Just call.
Sorry, sentence doesn’t compute.
I called her earlier. I’d like to say what we talked about, but I can’t actually remember; I think I was stuck in the vocal equivalent of deer-in-the-headlights-eyes ( or at least that’s what it felt like). I made some very bad jokes. I laughed at hers far too long, and then when I tried to get back to normal, had a coughing fit. Altogether horribly, horribly cringe-worthy. But…
We’re going for a coffee thing on saturday. I honestly don’t remember how that came about. I dimly recall us agreeing to it. And i’ve got the time written down in front of me.
There are no words for how unbelievably scared this all makes me. I think the closest I can come to describing it is “aaarrrghegheijemaelmflsapsdhfeafj”.
Can I ask why it scares you? Girls aren’t aliens: in general they are much prettier, have less slime, and on an average first date with one there is almost a zero percent chance of being anally probed. See? Much more fun.
Things to make you less nervous: do you have a girl friend who will role-play with you? After that, make sure you are prepared- read up on current events, think of a few topics of conversation, and make a list of some good ice-breaking questions.
Because I have zero body language reading skills. It’s not the “she’s a girl!” part that worries me, I generally get on better with girls than with other guys. It’s just that I usually have no idea (beyond what people say) as to what they’re thinking. Normally this is annoying, but not hugely important, but with dating stuff it seems like it’s all too easy to read signs that aren’t there, or vice versa. She could be giving off all sorts of signals like “Damn, this is going badly, I need to get out of here without it being embarassing” and I could be thinking everything’s fine.
Oh, what date would anal probing be acceptable, then?
I would say that there’s a very, very, very small chance that she only wants to be friends, provided that you don’t clusterfuck it first. She gave you her number. She made the first move. Make something of it.
You’re in good company, then. Many, many Dopers (myself included) are in the same boat. Lookup Stranger on a Train’s threads for more confirmation.
The good news is that you can learn the skills that everyone else seems to be born with. Study it just like any other school subject. Get books on interpersonal communication or books by Dale Carnegie, anything you think might help. You’ll have to practice, but you’ll get there.
If in doubt, ask her if she feels comfortable, or if it is going well. If you can do it sincerely, without cringing, I’m certain she won’t be offended. It’s okay to tell her that you like her so much she makes you a bit nervous- she won’t mind that at all.
One more bit of advice it took me years to learn (“if I knew then what I know now” dept.)
Be interested in** her**! Too often we guys try to be clever,smart, and talk about ourselves until we make fools of ourselves.
Think up a bunch of questions to ask her about herself (nothing too personal, of course). Just things about her home town, her old friends, what she likes to do most, her pet peeves, about what courses she likes and doesn’t, etc, etc.
I’d suggest you don’t make a written list and read from it, though.
Don’t try to make any jokes memorized beforehand. If she says something that makes you think of a funny rejoinder, then go ahead.
Hey, she would not have agreed to meet if you had screwed up too badly, so it’s not as bad as you think.
The gals can answer this better, but I wonder if it would not be an incebreaker if you admitted early on that you were a bit nervous (while shredding your napkin and sweating ). She may be just as nervous as you.
Thanks. I do have a couple of books on body language and stuff like how people orderr and phrase the way they talk. They don’t seem all that helpful, but I’m sticking with it because, well, I’d rather have a little insight into people than none at all. I’ll have to have a look at Dale Carnegie’s books, as well.
No, no and NO! Something like that is the absolute minimum you can do, and you must do it, if you’re to avoid falling into the dreaded “friend” category. Better dead than “friend”.
Make some kind of move or statement that clearly indicates that you like her in that way. A kiss with some tongue is good, but if that seems a little fast for you, then this:
Now don’t you feel better now knowing that you called her? If you hadn’t you’d be kicking yourself when you went to sleep tonight. You did good and I’m sure you’ll do fine on Saturday. Try to come up with a few conversation topics you know you can talk to each other about so you can always have something to talk about in case of uneasy silences…
5 dates from now you’ll be saying “why was I so nervous when I first had to call her??”
