As amusing as the possibilities for such a title are, it’s actually pretty dull.
Situation: I have a female classmate whom I’ve been giving rides home for the past few weeks (we have a Monday-evening class together). The last couple of weeks, we’ve gone out for coffee and walks after class. The first time we did, she invited me to a play and gave me her e-mail. We planned, and went to the show, then decided to go out for drinks.
Planning by e-mail is cumbersome, especially if people don’t check their e-mail often. Thinking “hey, she’s gone out with me three times, I assume she’d want to in the future,” I asked if I could get her phone number to make things easier. It didn’t even occur to me that she would refuse.
But she did. She gave me a weird look and said “no.” I’m confused. The night had been going as well as the previous two. We’ve spent several evenings together, I’ve both walked and driven her home, I have her e-mail, and I’ve met her friends and roommates, yet she won’t give me a phone number (which I only asked for to make planning simpler). It’s obvious that I completely mis-read her signals, but I’m not sure of her mindset here. Help me understand so I’m less disappointed!
You didn’t get anything more than a “no”? How did the conversation go after that? Otherwise, based on what you’ve shared, I’ll say up front that whatever reason, it doesn’t seem to bode well for your relationship.
If you’re talking about a landline phone number (you didn’t specify), the most obvious thing to me is that she is not the only person using the phone, and that she doesn’t want this person and you to end up speaking with each other by “mistake”.
If you’re talking about a cell number, it may be that she doesn’t want to continue or become more involved, and that by limiting the methods of communication she can gradually ease out.
It was loud and friends came up and interrupted us afterwards. I’m thinking it was her way of gradually easing out, but it seems like she would have said “hey, why don’t you just take me home” after the play rather than suggesting drinks.
My guess is that she already has a man and she doesn’t want your number showing up on caller ID. Otherwise she might think you are cool but is not attracted to you and doesn’t want you to think that this is going somewhere it isn’t.
Well, obviously, I can’t speak for her. This is IMHO, though, not Psychic Love Line, so here’s why I would refuse my number to an otherwise interesting companion:
[ul]
[li]My home phone line is a shitty connexion reserved only for the most dire of emergencies (actually a true scenario)[/li][li]I had no phone[/li][li]I work in a call center, I prefer communication via email and am loathe to talk to people I might actually like on the phone – also quite true[/li][li]I am married (true) and just wanting a quick creep (not true for me, but could be for her)[/li][li]I’m just using you to get a ride, drinks, dinner, whatever and email is easier to change than phone[/li][li]I live with my dad/mom/brother/sister/friend that is way the hell too nosy and I don’t want them to talk to you[/li][/ul]
I would just ask. “I know where you live. I have your email address. What dire thing could I do with your phone number that I can’t do already, should I want to?”
Only thing that comes to mind is that she’s had a phone stalker and is extremely leery of giving it out – seems unlikely.
Well, if she is somewhat proper then she may have thought that, if you prefer phone to email, then you should give her your phone number, rather than ask that she give out hers.
But most likely it’s something closer to what Litoris suggested.
I have to say that regardless of her stated reason for not giving you her number, I think it will boil down to her having issues. I think you would be doing yourself a favor if you ease out of seeing her much.
Even if she had some non-weird reason, she should have mentioned it at the time: “Actually, I don’t have a phone.” or, “I share the only phone on my floor, so it’s really easier to reach me by email.” or, “I only have a cell phone and it’s out of minutes for the month.”
Her just saying ‘no’ with no further explanation seems to indicate some weirdness – that she’s using you for rides and drinks is certainly one possibility. Another is that she has some neurosies about her phone number being too ‘private’ to give out. I’ve know people like that – “Oh, I don’t want just anyone calling me.” Such people, in my experience, are more trouble to befriend than it’s worth. If I were you, I’d ratchet the relationship back to the ‘classmate’ level and leave it there.
I gave a woman a lift home (well most of the way, her roomate has issues with us creepy internet folks) and no harm was done but it was mentioned in a half joking way. All this Bundy crap makes it tough for normal nice guys nowadays.
The whole expectation that you cannot simply offer to be helpful without looking for something in return kind of pisses me off.
The fact that she doesn’t want to give her number is not as bothersome as the fact she didn’t think, “Boy, this is going to sound strange - I’d better give him a good explanation why.” Sounds like she’s lacking in some basic communication skills. Your choice whether to continue in the relationship, but I’d be inclined to decline the drama.
This was the first thing that came to my mind, but then I remembered that she’s actually quite generous when we go out–she was willing to pay for our first coffee, for example.
I’m interested in how this will turn out. As such, I assume you all are, too. I won’t see her till next Monday, but I’ll probably wander back and give an update then.
If she had another man, she probably would have given a lame excuse like, “I only use my cell for emergencies so I prefer email.” Her reaction was as if asking was inappropriate for some reason.
When I was in the dating game, I found that some women were weird in their ideas of phone numbers. Some women were vehemently insistent that women should never call men at first and that the first several phone contacts should be initiated by the man. Others were equally insistent that it isn’t safe for a man to have a woman’s phone number and that the man should give the woman his number so she could make the first contact.
You say it was loud, could it be that she misheard your question? I’d just explain why you wanted her number and tell her you found it odd that she declined w/o any explanation. If she is hiding something, or is somehow neurotic, you will probably find out in her answer. I’d think it better to settle something like this sooner, rather than later.
She does sound odd. My guess? She sees e-mail as informal and the telephone as taking things to the ‘next level’ (Tell her you’ll only text, you promise!). I’ve given out my e-mail address over my phone number before simply because I don’t like talking on the phone… but after a certain point, yeah. Weird. Unless she doesn’t have a phone. Or lives with her parents. Or thought you were gay, platonic, whatever and got the sense at that exact moment that you were interested in her romantically and wanted to nip it in the bud.