Although I guess it doesn’t have to be just straight guys responding, but that’s the population with whom I am dealing.
See, there’s this guy D who works at a place I frequent. He’s cute. I’d like to get to know him better. My friends say yes, he was flirting with me. Yay for that. I’d like to make some sort of gesture towards getting to see him outside of where he works. I know where his other job is so I could just accidentally bump into him there but that feels a bit silly. Also I’d need to be pretending to buy something. Anyway.
What I’m slowly getting at is that I’ve considered the gesture of giving him my phone number or email, something like that. In the past though, anytime I’ve given my number when it wasn’t asked for, my phone didn’t ring. So is there a way to give my number unprompted that doesn’t make me feel or look like an ass? Is there a good question/pick-up to use that would get him to ask for it? Assuming he’d like to have it, that is, but even if I have something to work on to see if he’d take the bait, that’d be good.
Help a gal out who is TERRIFIED of rejection. Especially when the place he works at is like my Cheers, where everybody knows my name. Really.
It’s a coffeehouse. He’s not a server, he’s one of the guys that makes the drinks. And while I do know a bunch of the employees, he’s someone there I only met/started talking to a few weeks ago. So it’s not like he’s trying to butter me up as a patron for good tips.
Why ask for male help only? Some of the women here are probably better at answering your questions than us blokes.
Do you have any shared interests with this guy? Any local pub / bar where you might hang out together after work? If all else fails, just try “How about a drink sometime, maybe Friday night?” Sure it’s obvious, but giving your phone number is just as obvious and a damn sight less effective (he could be lazy or shy himself).
Well, if the mere thought of rejection petrifies you for a month, you could always consider having a friend give him your number. You’ve of course figured out if he’s just very very friendly, if he’s trying to make an ex (or current) jealous, etc? For that matter, you’re sure he’s single and straight? You’re sure there isn’t anyone just behind you every time who’s flirting with him, and you only think he’s flirting with you when in reality he’s flirting with her (or him)?
Only one way to get a yes or no, and that’s to offer.
(bisexual, if it matters, but really anyone with dating experience should know enough to offer some advice)
Ask him what he’s doing this weekend. Depending on the answer, you can go any one of three ways: you can act like all you did was ask him what he’s doing, you can tell him you were planning on doing X and would he like to be involved, or you can tell him you have nothing planned and would he like to help you plan something, preferably involving him.
That way, he gets the impression right off the bat that you’re asking him out, but you can quickly feign ignorance if it’s not going according to plan, i.e. if he says “Me and the wife are shopping for wallpaper”- ABORT! ABORT! and no one’s the wiser. But if he says, “Nothing much, I was thinking maybe I’d catch a movie or something, why, what are you doing?” you can proceed with abandon. Incremental is the key, so that you aren’t over the precipice until you get at least some kind of signal that he’s coming with you.
Here in lies your problem. Despite what you’ve been told or despite how you feel; you’re not an ass if you give some guy your number and he doesn’t call.
Having said that I think Jimmy Chitwood had a pretty good plan of attack.
Although myself I have to admit I’d be a little more straigh forward than that. But I’m a guy so go figure.
Speaking for myself — and I don’t know how things are done this day and age — but when I was younger, I would have loved it if a woman had simply come up to me and said, “Hi. I’m Saramamalana, and I just couldn’t help but notice you. Would you like to have some coffee together?” For me, although flirting games were fun, it was disorienting when the relationship got serious and the games stopped. The games usually stop eventually, and what happens sometimes is that both people suddenly find themselves in a relationship with someone who was playing a role. Just like themselves. The fun flirt game turns into the awkward game of how to break it off. Usually, someone gets hurt. Life is short, and time is wasting away. Go tell him how you feel.
Give it a big miss. If you are too bloody timorous to approach the bloke directly, then you are too diminutive in spirit to deserve him. If you can’t flirt in the time-honoured traditional methods, you can’t learn lessons here and no one can propose suggestions that will work.
For mine, this is much too hard a proposition. Skip it and move along.
Sisyphus, that’s a little harsh, don’t you think? What do you propose…that she should just never be with anyone because she’s too “diminutive” in spirit and ignorant of the techniques of flirtation? And how do you know what the guy deserves?
Ignore this guy or girl. You’ve come to the right place. Just sit back and enjoy. I’m sure you’ll get tons of advice from those who’ve been there.
What’s so bad about rejection? If he says “no,” you’re not worse off than you were before. And it is not a reflection on you if he does say “no.” He may not be interested for a variety of reasons: he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t date customers, he’s gay, he prefers big-busted bimbos, etc.
Just ask him. “I was wondering if you’d like to get together after work,” will do. If it’s casual, no one there is going to think anything of it.
Don’t give him your number and hope he actually calls, take the initiative and CALL HIM!
What’s that? You’re afraid of rejection?
[All straight guys in the world (and probably most of the gay ones)]
Welcome to our world!
[/All straight guys in the world (and probably most of the gay ones)]
It’s like Cheers? And he’s the guy that makes the drinks? You’re getting hit on by SAM?!
Seriously - Bite the bullet, and ask him out. Don’t fear rejection just because of what other people there will think - If everyone knows you, then everybody know’s that you’re shy and wouldn’t normally do someothing like that, so everybody knows that you really really mean it.
Guys aren’t mysterious, and often lack the ability to deal with subtlety.
Strike up a conversation with him, and ask him what he’s doing next weekend/day off/holiday. If he mumbles something like ‘nuttin’, then the odds are he’s speaking the truth. That’s when you hand him you phone number and say, give me a call.
You can’t live in fear of rejection. If you do this to 10 guys, and one calls, that one makes the whole business worth it.
“Hey, if you’re not seeing somebody, you wanna get together sometime? Maybe a movie or something?”
Alternative:
I assume that there is a museum or something fairly close by. If so, see if there is a special or travelling exhibit. Chat him up about it. If he shows interest, say, “I’d like to go check it out, but I always feel kind of silly going alone. Wanna come with?” The Midwestern phrasing will briefly derail his brain, thus allowing you to overcome any protest with something like, “It’ll be cool. Certainly better than insert shitty movie here.”
But you want to be sneaky about it.
Lose something at the coffee shop. Something he sees you have in your possession and if you can, leave your phone number in it.
If he calls you and not some other employee, then you know he’s interested.
I think this is excellent advice. If you get the “Nothing much, I was thinking maybe I’d catch a movie or something, what are you doing?”, you can go ahead. And when you go ahead, what you want to do, IMHO, is ask for his number, rather than giving him yours.
Giving someone else your number when they haven’t asked for it is just a tad less confident than asking for someone else’s number and saying that you’ll call them. Giving him your number, when he hasn’t asked for it, is asking him to take the initiative (i.e., give you that first phone call) in trying to date you, even though you were the one whose idea it was.
I realize that asking for his number may feel a bit riskier, since he might not give it to you. But the slight extra investment of risk is worth the results, since you’re much more likely to actually have some sort of contact–even if it’s only a voicemail message–with someone whose phone number you have. What’s more, you don’t have to go through the agonizing waiting game, hoping that he’ll give you a ring; you can decide to pick up that phone and call him whenever you’d like. (That is, whenever you’re feeling most confident and up to it.)
Then again, I’m 30-year-old woman who’s still single, so maybe you shouldn’t be taking my advice on this stuff.
but that feels a bit silly. Also I’d need to be pretending to buy something. Anyway.
