So we just had our second child and Lady Chance is suffering from that whole ‘second child’ weight gain thing.
She’s very stressed about losing the weight and being trim again etc… Get me that she’s not exactly Rosanne Barr here. She’s wider in the hips and has a little belly and so forth.
And, actually, I sort of like her that way. She looks more natural to me and I find it quite nice in a late-30s sort of way.
But I sure can’t think about how to express it to her that I like her that way without getting myself killed.
I say buy her new clothes that fit and flatter her new form.
If she is trying to wear her pre-pregancy clothes and her body is different that will make the change in her more obvious and unbecoming. So of course she wants to go back but if she had clothes that fit her and make her look good…
One morning as I was heading out to the gym I said to my husband ‘No one likes a middle-aged fat woman.’
My husband said ‘I do!’
It was great of him to say that to his wife of 23 years and the mother of his three children. I’m fairly fit, I bike and row, but I’m not exactly what you’d call ‘lean.’ More like ‘strapping.’
Tell your wife ‘I think you’re beautiful.’ Trust me, she’ll appreciate it.
Mention to her that since the birth of the baby, she’s looked more beautiful to you than she ever has. Good if timed with a moment where she’s not actually thinking about it, not stressing to you about it, so that she can see that it’s a genuine comment, and not just you appeasing her.
I like what TellMeI’mNotCrazy said. That statement will go over even better if you preface it with, “I didn’t think it was possible, but…”
Similarly, you might tell her that the little changes in her body (little! little! you have to say little! very important!) remind you of the life you’ve shared and the children you’ve had together, and that you think that’s so hot. Then pounce her.
Another thing - when you are out together, do not ogle other women in front of her. She’ll be more apt to believe that you like her form if she does not have to feel like she is in competition with every attractive woman within a half-mile radius!
Not that I know Jonathan Chance from Adam but, from reading his posts, and the way he refers to his wife and family, I definitely get the impression he is a non-ogler. I could easily be wrong though.
Wanted to mention that I’m not too sure about the buying her new clothes idea - if my husband bought me new clothes, I’d take it as a clear message that he’s not happy with what I’m currently wearing. Except at holidays and birthdays, do women ever want men to buy them clothes?
You’re not going to be able to convince her that she looks good the way she is.
I saw her and I think she looks good the way she is. You have a wonderful, engaging, entertaining, interesting wife, and she’s very pretty. But she’s not going to listen to me or you. I’m a woman, I know this. assumes wordly air
If she wants to, she will accept her new body. If she doesn’t, she won’t. All you can do as a husband is tell her she looks perfect and you don’t want her any other way. Roses can’t hurt, and loving interludes can’t hurt, but you’re not going to be able to convince her. That’s up to her.
I agree. The ownership of new clothes might make her happier, but there are so many bad ways to approach this. If you think getting her to acquire new clothes is a good idea, you have to come up with some non-appearance-related way to bring it up. If her old clothes are worn out or of a lower quality than what you can currently afford, she might be amenable to shopping.
That’s the gist of it, but I think it leaves out the most important part - you can tell her that in a way that makes her certain that it’s really, truly what you think, not just what you’re telling her because you love her and don’t want to hurt her.
It’s been my experience that one does not coach one’s wife through two pregnancies without developing an appreciation for the not-so-Hollywood-approved female form, so you’re definitely not alone in this. Other than that, I don’t have anything to add to the good advice listed above.
You can’t make your wife like her body. You can make her realize how much you like it, exactly as it is, and that may make her feel better about it. TellMeI’mNotCrazy had very good advice about making sure you tell her how attractive you find her when she’s not currently thinking/talking about it, so she can’t dismiss your comments as appeasement.
If you’re with someone who assumes that you want them to look a certain way, it can be very difficult to get past that “you’re just saying that” barrier. Remember that you aren’t trying to talk her into believing she’s beautiful, you just want her to know that you think she’s beautiful.
Ginger is referring to my long-term unrequited love for her. Dang that Weirddave!
Honestly, I’ve been married to Lady Chance for 11 years and a couple for 18.5 (since our first year in college). I’m a committing guy. To say I don’t look at other women is, however, foolish. I just never DO anything about it. And the few times passes have been made at me I’ve said no and had a laugh with Lady Chance about it later (her last reply, “You fool…she was really cute!”).
She was very thin. Before getting pregnant with our first she was 33 and actually below her high school cross country weight (I think she was 105 then).
I don’t think she’s heavy by any means. And it suits her better than the ultra-thin thing. But God help me if I try to convince her of that.
Since she was really thin, and you like her a little better now with a little weight, you might want to point out a few really thin women and say “gee, is it me or are women just too skinny nowadays.” Point out the nice curves that have come with a little weight (I’ll assume some curves came) and how much you appreciate them.
Lady Montoya and I have been a couple for 22 years (since first year of High School) and married for coming up on 12 years. We did have a 1 year hiatus from each other a couple years before we got married, during most of which she became bulemic to the the point of losing her period and looking like a child swimming in a size 1. We had a couple dates during this time and I absolutely could not stand being with her. Cute enough to look at, but narcissistic and bitchy beyond attitude. Just plain mean. Our entire relationship was like that. Whenever she lost significant amounts of weight, she become an absolute rag with her insecurities becoming increasingly visible as her padding melted away.
20-odd years, 3 kids and 30 pounds later she’s as pleasant as a type A can be. When she starts in on how I would like her without the weight I tell her point blank: “No. You’re a hag when you’re skinny, you look good in the clothes you have, and we make love in the dark. Doesn’t really matter to me.”
She doesn’t hit me when I say that, but the lights are usually out in a few minutes.
I agree with Elysian and Giraffe that you can’t make her happy with her new body, only she can do that, but you can try to make the process as easy as possible for her. Unfortunately, there can be lots of little things that can make it worse without you really realizing it.
I don’t know if you typically talk about other women being hot, but if so you might want to zip it on such comments for a while. While such comments are just good-natured commentary when she’s feeling confident in her appearance, they can really come across as twisting the knife when she’s feeling like she apparently does now. Especially if said women are not shaped like her, and most especially if they’re shaped the way she was pre-pregnancy. You just don’t want to go there. Really.
